on letting go*

Viola and belly surrender pose, Tilden park, Berkeley, Canon Rebel Xti

I remember that at times it was annoying to have people tell me to "surrender" or "let go" or just relax when I was going through infertility. Really annoying.

I think what was missing was the idea that letting go meant giving up, or tricking myself into not wanting anymore. How can you let go of wanting a child when you want this with all of your heart and soul? Similarly, how can you decide you don't really want a partner when every cell in your body is full of longing? Impossible.

What helped was when my coach finally said to me, "I'm not trying to take this away from you. You don't have to let go of wanting this baby. That is non-negotiable, I get it. But let's figure out what is negotiable. What about the how or the when? " I told her that the how could perhaps be negotiated.

"Okay then," she said, "I challenge you to throw out all of the herbs in your kitchen drawers, toss all of the potions, cancel all of your acupuncture appointments and start drinking coffee again. What do you say?"

My eyes got huge and I saw instantly how attached I was to my way. My natural, wholesome, green tea, "right" way. I was terrified to let go of these things. I took her challenge though and soon after decided that we should at least explore the western medicine route. (For those of you who know my story you know that we ended up conceiving Ben with the help of western interventions and medicine) For me, the breakthrough came when I was willing to do it differently than I had planned.

As I strolled around Tilden Park yesterday with my dear friends who will have a baby soon, I shared my birth story. I told them that the thing that helped manage the pain most was having my palms open, in a relaxed pose, my entire body in a casual gesture of this is totally no big deal. All this pain, whatevs! I told them that it was surrendering to the pain, not resisting it, that helped me the most.

I think what these two stories have in common is that in both, letting go means surrendering to what is happening right now. It is not letting go of having a beautiful healthy baby, but surrendering to the pain and discomfort of the now. It is surrendering to how long it will take, how painful it might be, or how exactly it goes down. It's not about giving up your power but stepping fully into it by stepping into the moment. It is noticing where you are resistant and relaxing those parts too.

Is there a place in your life where you can surrender? What parts are negotiable for you? Where are you resisting?

Grant, Tilden park, Berkeley, Canon Rebel Xti

Things that made me happy today*

Kim Indresano, Marin Headlands, Canon Rebel Xti

Seeing Ben modeling on the Speesees site.

Getting Rick Rolled and then learning what it means. (Weird and hilarious) In the middle of any random You Tube video, Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up music video suddenly appears.

Loading more Squamlets onto my flickr page.

These engagement portraits by Jerry Yoon (via Mighty Girl)

My friend (pictured above) writing me the following response to an email I shared about Squam being harder than giving birth:
"Ah but it sounds like a labor, a birthing of new things. I suppose if we can't do something every now and again that seriously shits the pants right off of us then what good are we? Something needs to catapult us off the mesa and onto the next mountaintop."

all you need

Nina's feet, Squam, Canon Rebel Xti

"Your treasure house is within; it contains all you'll ever need." -Hui-Hai

I see you

Kirsten Crilly, Squam, Canon Rebel Xti

My favorite Squam story was from the very first day. The students hadn't arrived and registered yet, and Jen, Jonatha and I were at the town general store getting sandwiches for lunch. After ordering at the deli I turned around to see a pretty little face behind me. (The one pictured above)

"Kirsten!" I exclaimed.

But wait, there is a wee bit of back story. Kirsten is a superhero journal reader. She is also a blogger and has written me some lovely notes over the years. Before I left for Squam she wrote me the kindest message with the subject line should words fail me. She then shared what my blog has meant to her and what it means to her to meet up in person. I was moved, and made a point to go to her blog and get her name down perfectly. Kirsten, not Kristen. Kirsten, Kirsten, Kirsten.

When I saw her at the deli I recognized her immediately.

"Kirsten!" I exclaimed.
Her eyes immediately flooded with tears.
"You know my name..." she said.
And then my eyes flooded with tears.
"I see you... I know exactly who you are."
And then we hugged, and cried.

I get very moved every time I share that story. It encapsulates so perfectly the experience that most of us have of feeling like we are not seen, that are voice doesn't matter, that our presence is inconsequential.

I think it is tempting to use this gremlin as a way to not express ourselves in the world. Why bother? we think. So and so has already done it, or done it better. Who cares what I do?

I still think this thought almost every day.
Who gives a sh*t what I think? No one wants to hear what you have to say... the gremlin growls.

But here's the big secret:
We ALL matter.
Our voices all need to be heard.
Our art needs to be seen.
When we don't show up at the meeting, at church, at the party, people notice and they wonder where we are.
We are seen and known.
And our stories need to be shared.

and the winners are....!!

Kelly Rae, Stinson Beach, Canon Rebel Xti

Here are the winners! If you are listed below, please email me (andrea@superherodesigns.com) to get your book. If I don't hear from you within a week or so, I'm going to pick another lucky winner.

Angie, who said "Fabulous photograph and lovely post as always. I would love to read Kelly Rae's book."

Chloe, who said, "My wings have been a bit damaged in the past, I long for them to help me to take flight..."

and Paula Hardesty who said, "Kelly Rae is truly a wonderful soul. She makes me smile with delight and I just can't seem to get enough of her fabulous paintings."