The Hustle for Worthiness + a Giveaway!

Phone booth, Guerilla Cafe, Berkeley, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

As I was writing this piece, inspired by Brene Brown's new DVD The Hustle for Worthiness, I couldn't help but notice the Michael Jackson silhouette on the phone booth outside the cafe. And it got me thinking: What about the electric slide for worthiness? or the moonwalk for worthiness? These images make me giggle because it's so true how we literally exhaust ourselves in the struggle to feel worthy (of love, of respect) or simply to feel like enough. One friend of mine calls her first dates the "dancing bear routine" where she watches herself do that first date performance of how fabulous and witty and interesting she is. It usually works, but she comes home feeling tired out by it all and wondering why she doesn't want to go through it again.

I think I've dropped a lot of my hustle over the years, feeling slightly less inclined to need other's approval, but I still see how what I do (or don't do) is tied up in my self-worth. Case in point, I have been staring at this blog for weeks feeling like a total blog failure, wondering what I should write about, what would be interesting, worth sharing, fabulous enough... And just the striving alone to be brilliant or fabulous will block you up every time. Pretty soon there are tumbleweeds drifting by your blog.

The irony is that all anyone really wants to read is what's true. The truth is so much more compelling than any dance we can do and our authenticity is the greatest gift we can bring.

Brene says it beautifully here:
“Our lives are a collection of stories – truths about who we are, what we believe, what we come from, how we struggle, and how we are strong. When we can let go of what people think, and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness – the feeling that we are enough just as we are, and that we are worthy of love and belonging.

If we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and have to hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. Our sense of worthiness lives inside of our story. It’s time to walk into our experiences and to start living and loving with our whole hearts.”

In celebration of Brene's incredible new DVD, I am giving away a copy this week to one lucky winner!
Just proclaim in the comments, "I am enough!" (or some variation on that theme) and you'll have a chance to win.

Giveaway Guidelines:
-You have until 8PM PST on Sunday, March 14th to enter this giveaway.
-Just make a comment ON THIS POST to enter.
-This is a random drawing
-One entry per person, please. (Just push "post" ONCE and wait a few seconds. The comment should appear)

Registration is open for Spring Mondo Beyondo course!

Come Dream with Us This Spring--Next Session Starts Monday, March 8th!
This will be our *fourth* session of Mondo Beyondo, and we can honestly say the class keeps getting better and better. Enjoy the warmth and encouragement of the Mondo Beyondo community while taking in thought-provoking lessons and engaging audio interviews. Our journal prompts and weekly secret missions will give you just the nudge you need to give your undeclared dreams a chance to flourish.

Repeat students can re-enroll for $59 (see the button in your community group). First-timers--$99 is your ticket to growth and new possibilities for a bright and hopeful future. Next session starts March 8, so register now.

Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born. --Dale Turner

little update*

Kelly Rae Roberts and me, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

Thank you for all of your wishes and support! You guys are amazing. We are still exploring ideas and possibilities around Ben's health and grateful that he hasn't had a seizure in weeks. I've heard it said before: The breakdown is the breakthrough... and I am already getting little inklings of how these seizures can be a breakthrough for Ben's overall health. We'll keep you posted!

In the meantime, I have been feeling like my life has been in a huge reorientiation process. Months ago, I knew I needed to create space in my life and I made a Mondo Beyondo style clearing. In that space, I felt like the universe picked me up by the scruff of the neck and pointed my in a different direction, away from my work and towards nourishing my family. This feels good and right and I am still adjusting and calibrating myself. Sadly, it often takes a good crisis to wake us up and jump a track, otherwise our well worn paths seem to do just fine.

In other news, I had the pleasure of spending the day with Kelly Rae and Mati Rose over the weekend when I crashed their class at Artful Journey. It was a treat to meet everyone and to play a bit with paint and collage. I had to smile at my piece when I noticed it looked alarmingly similar to some of the creations Ben brings home from preschool. Purple glitter, covered in feathers, random bits of paint. I am inspired in so many ways by Ben!

Anyway, thank you again for all of your notes and warm wishes. I am blown away by how valuable our intuition can be when it comes to health issues and how much knowledge can come from unexpected places.

The Breakdown Train

the Breakdown Train, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

If you want to instantly find your way to Ben's heart, bring him a train. My friend Jen must have known this because she came to my house last week with one in hand. "It's a breakdown train," she said, in her bubbly way... both of us noting the double meaning as the words spilled out of her mouth.

We had originally planned to go on a walk. I desperately needed some time to myself, some time to finally move my body after weeks of illness (mine and Ben's) Not to mention packing up an entire house for our move last Sunday... I needed some air.

And then I got the call from the school, the third call that week. Ben has been falling. A lot. Like fall-out -of-his-chair-for-no-apparent-reason-falling. By noon it had happened eight times that day. I called my friend to cancel and to ask her to meet me at my house so I wouldn't have to be alone. As I said to her on the phone, Please come over because I'm about to lose my sh*t and I'm behind the wheel. "Don't lose your shit yet!" she warned.

So she arrived with the train in hand and explained to Ben that this is the train that comes in and helps the other train back to the station when it breaks down.

It turns out these falls he was having were actually atonic seizures and they happened up to eight times a day for about a week. (They mercifully stopped last Friday) They are not harmful in and of themselves but his risk for a secondary injury from a fall is high. We had to send him to school with a bicycle helmet which he was delighted to wear. Thank god for three year olds... all of his classmates are jealous that he gets to wear a helmet and they don't.

A chorus of:
Why does he get to wear it? It's my turn!
He has to share!
Why isn't he sharing?!!

This is what the teachers were hearing all day long. They have now instituted Helmet Day on Tuesday in Ben's honor.

Ben in the tub, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

We are in the midst of EEG's, MRI's and second opinions, and trying not to panic. We don't have a definitive diagnosis yet, but we are culling our resources and trying to make choices with the most grace and presence we possibly can.

Smack in the middle of neurology appointments was our move last weekend. (My Mondo Beyondo dream of finding a new home in our neighborhood came true) Help came from so many places. A friend flew in from Los Angeles, another drove from Santa Cruz to pack our things, others watched Ben while we furiously shuttled boxes to and fro. Not to mention the psychic support from people who love us and love Ben.

Our breakdown train is long and hearty. It comes bearing gifts of all kinds--laughter and joy, homemade lentil soup and squash risotto, able hands ready to dive in, generosity beyond beyond, and fierce love at the bottom of all of it. I imagine it like Ben would: a circus train full of animals of all kinds, carnival music and bright colors, ready to swoop in and put us on the track again.

Ben in the tub, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

I had a great conversation with Ben this morning that I am sure came from spirit itself:

Ben: Did you put oatmeal in my lunch?
Me: Nope.
Ben: I don't like oatmeal.
Me: No oatmeal in your lunch.
Ben: I don't like pasta too.
Me: I didn't put that in either.
Ben: I don't like cheese mama.
Me: Ben, I promise, you will be so happy when you get to school and see what's in your lunch.
Ben: (pause) But I'm happy now mama! (and then he shouted for extra emphasis) I'm here! I'm happy now!

Straight from the Buddha's mouth and what I have to keep reminding myself when I get scared about what the future holds: He's here. He's happy now.

on making a clearing*

red berries, Sonoma, CA, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

Several times a year, usually when I'm sick, I have one particular dark thought, or collection of thoughts I call the hospital fantasy. This happens when you are so overwhelmed with the doing, the worry, the speed and intensity of life that you just want to get off the ride for a while. In the fantasy, I am laid up with something (a sprained ankle?) and I get to finally rest. I am not responsible for anything and other people do things for me... I am aware of how irrational and inappropriate this thought is and I have learned to listen to what it is trying to teach me--slow down sister!

Soon enough though, I get better, the thought fades, and I go back to the way I do things, the way I've always done things-- don't stop, hurry up, do more, achieve, excel... And every once in a while, on a really good day, I get a glimpse of the truth. The veil is lifted and I see how driven I am by fear. I see the fire under my tail, how I will run and leap and conquer-- the list, the house, even the fun, just to keep the beast at bay. And yet I am always behind somehow, reaching, reaching for something out there, some impossible thing I will never grasp.

Part of my soul work is to find balance, to create a well rounded life where rest, exercise, friends, food and joy are a natural part of my landscape. This cycle of work, get sick, fall behind on work, work harder, get sicker... I just can't do it anymore.

And then I surf the internet and see what everyone else is doing-- the blogs, (how do they write so often?) the Etsy stores, the books published... their pretty houses with dinner on the table every night... and the shame seeps in and the critical voices start howling in my ear. Hurry up, you're falling behind, you're blowing it, get your sh*t together...

And then I remember that wait, I am one of those people that others see this way. The superhero character that appears to have it all together, who is doing all that cool stuff (how does she have time for all of that?) and I see how all of these projections are a fiction, something I made up, something we all make up. It is the way we gather evidence, our proof that we are the ones who are not good enough.

It's not true.
And I'm tired of living as if it is.

I've decided to take a break! and I am closing my jewelry shop until March (or perhaps longer) If you have taken the Mondo Beyondo course you might recognize this as my clearing. I am creating space in my life for more richness and more joy. I am creating space to create a home, to nurture myself, my marriage and my family. I am creating space to connect more with my spirit.

I am tired of being a doing machine.