depression medication

I feel that way about my new apartment. My last apartment was gross and filled with cigarette smoke from the downstairs landlords (I'm allergic, so it was very unpleasant) and I moved out after 4 months. My new apartment though feels unfamiliar and strange. While I'm relieved that I no longer have to live in the smoke, it just doesn't feel like home yet. I don't love it yet. I like it just fine, but weird noises/smells bug me and I just haven't settled in. Is this normal? I hope so.

Well, I'm no mama, but this is totally my experience as well: delayed emotional reaction. Typically with the big emotional reactions. Missing people and bonding with people/animals especially.

I'm also a delayed "anger" person. I had a friend betray me in a pretty horrendous way (believe me -- worse than what you are imagining right now) and it took me TWO YEARS to realize that, you know what? That's not okay.

Definitely! My husband cried at our wedding, too...then he tried to kiss me TWICE when we said I do. It definitely takes me longer.

When my son was born, at first I was mostly just happy he was OUT. I'd pushed hard for 3.5 hours. I wanted to be sewn up and I wanted to eat -- I ate two lunches right after giving birth. Yes, I held my son somewhere in there, but it was only after a couple of days that I fully realized he was there to stay. I remember dressing him in a new outfit at the hospital on the day we were going home, and bursting into tears: "He's SO SMALL!" He wasn't really -- he was 9.5 lbs. -- but he seemed small to me! There were plenty of times in the next two years or so that I resented his presence for short periods of time -- mostly when he'd disrupt my already-scant sleep. But overall I fell in love with him more and more and we now have a very strong bond. Motherhood is never picture perfect, even though commercials would have us believe otherwise, but it's all okay in the end. :-)

(BTW, something is throwing out the margins on your comments and I can't enlarge the box to accommodate them. ???)

When I was leaving home when I was 17, I kept putting off saying goodbye to my mom. It wasn't because I thought it would be too emotional or anything, it was that I just didn't want to hug her or touch her or have that personal contact. I actually felt a little repulsed at the thought of hugging her. In the end, I hugged her and said goodbye very quickly and then moved 3 states away.

Looking back on it, I think it was just my way of coping with moving away from her and, of course, I no longer feel that way but I've never told her and remembering that I once felt that way about her still makes me feel ashamed.

This sounds a bit strange, but I felt that way to some extent about my cat. When I first got Eliot, he was just a little fuzz of a kitten. He was a cute little guy and everyone was saying all sorts of things about how adorable he was and "can I take him home?" and when they'd ask, in my head, I'd say "go for it" (though I would never say it out loud). Because he was just a cute little furry thing that I had no attatchment to at all. And he woke me up and night. And I had to clean his litter.

For the first couple of weeks the little kitten woke me up a lot at night. He'd meow and meow and meow and wanted to get on the bed and off the bed and I'd show up to work with dark circles under my eyes. Oddly enough, it was out of these nights of waking up for him that I fell in love with the little guy.

I had some trouble talking about this subject with friends, but when I did I found that they had similar feelings. I had an induction that from beginning to end lasted 41 hours. For most of that I was strapped to the bed. I didn't eat for 2 days. It turns out my son had his hand on his head when he was in the birth cannel, which added 3 centemeters. Even my OB said ouch.

When my son was finally born I just wanted to get some sleep. I was so glad that my husband was there to be with him, because after the first hour of nursing and laying with my new baby I just really needed a break. Our first two weeks were all about trying to keep his weight up and get him to nurse properly. It seemed like such a fight to keep him alive that I didn't have a chance to fall in love. I was in a totally primal place.

Of course it happened somewhere in the third week. He looked into my eyes and I was a goner. Among my friends the feelings of "can you take care of that baby because I just need to be by myself for a while" were pretty common. I'm glad that they were honest and I didn't feel like a creep. So nice that you would post this and let others that it happens this way all the time.

Ben is so very cute! His eyes are amazing. I'm in my second year of motherhood and the rollercoaster hasn't stopped.

Enjoy,
Barbara

Ben IS his own person, as I keep seeing and saying. Although, he is sporting an uncanny Andrea-like expression if you look at the shot in this post and your portrait to its left!

I loved my baby, but sometimes he felt like a total stranger. And the thing is, he WAS a stranger! I can't think of one other relationship in which you're supposed to love someone wholly, without getting to know them a little first. It's an unrealistic expectation.

At the end of every day, try to forgive yourself a little. Extending grace to yourself takes practice.

Remind yourself that, unlike the images we get through TV etc., most parents of newborns generally aren't blissed out. They're coping. Just like you are.

Yes, I remember after the birth of my kids, my daughter most recently, that I was overwhelmed by all of it--and each of my births has been so different: the first all drugs, the second almost delivered in a broken elevator, the third induced but otherwise drug-free. And with the last, I remember when it was over and my little one was being cleaned up, I shed a tear, and the nurse-midwife got all concerned about me--like maybe I was heading for some downward spiral, but really it was just an emotional sigh of relief to have that part over and realize...I'd made it!

Each of us finds our own way, and I so enjoy watching your journey.

Andrea,
thank you so much for sharing this. I'm always asking my friends about this. I could never believe that this new person came from you through lots of pain, maybe some deprivation and strife and suddenly you are more in love with her than you've ever been with anyone else on the earth in all your time here. I also haven't figured out how you can have more than one child and be in love with all of them equally. Maybe I never will until I take the plunge.

Ooops...forgot to mention that part. I remember is well...sort of Twilight Zone-ish.

I think a lot of it is hormonal too. LOTS of hormones doing their thing making us feel weird.

I felt that way about my older daughter when I got home from the hospital with my son - sort of detached from it all, and somehow yearning for my mother's time when they gave you 5 days in the hospital!

Once sleep deprivation set it, I was snapped out of my emotionless state! Could have done with a couple fewer emotions then, though!

But, it all worked out in the end. All part of the mystique of birth & mothering, I suppose!

Warmly,
Andrea

I was the same way with all 3 babies. I loved them- lots, but it took a little time to be "in love" as you put it. For one thing- I did natural childbirth (not for any noble or wholistic reasons) so I was ready for some good drugs, stitches and sleep. And since I had been so exposed to everyone and anyone who was near my room - a couple nice warm cozy blankets to snuggle up in (at least until the nurse comes back to press on my stomach and check my behind and stuff). Too much stimulation. It reall didn't sink in until I had my babies home. And then it really didn't sink in until those little ones let me sleep through a night so that 1. I could actually function normally and 2. I would wake up and miss the little one (and of course check on them a few times to make sure they were ok).

It's just the first of many in terms of mommy guilt. Why do we do that to ourselves? Whenever my mom expresses parenting experiences that she feels guilty about, they are things that I hardly remember or give a thought to.

My mom has often shared with me that she really had no idea what to do with me when I arrived. It wasn't that she didn't love me, it's that she was kinda overwhelmed with the whole thing.

I know how you feel...many of my best friends live far away, and while I may not cry when they leave, I will definitely cry the first time they're not around for something they're usually there for.

Trust your heart, dear one. You're doing fabulously!

I just wanted to send you some love for sharing this, Andrea. It's nice to know what to expect, and even nicer to know that we never will. :) {hugs}.

I already commented but I wanted to thank Piper for responding, because what she said about taking time to adapt emotionally to things is spot-on for me, too.

I was not overcome with love with my baby at first either. I've also felt the same kind of guilt because I was overcome with love the first time I met my husband (and since) and it even took a shorter time to get to that madly in love stage with my dog! I love my baby and would do anything for him but I still feel a pang when I hear people say "becoming a parent is the best thing I've ever done." I know intellectually that it is, but I don't always feel it emotionally. I have no doubt that I will get there. He is eight months old, so don't be hard on yourself it takes a while!

no need to worry!!! my friend gave birth to her daughter and was in a state of shock...she was in pain,exhausted and looked at her child and said "this is MY baby,this can't be...this baby is from hong kong!" the doctors laughed~she didn't mean anything against people from hong kong,it just didn't look like HER baby! of course she fell in love with her daughter and felt like an ass for the way she acted in the beginning! blame it on hormones!!!

I just reading your blog and I think you're a really great writer with the cutest little boy I've ever seen. Seriously, I'm not just saying that.

I rarely comment on blogs but like so many others I feel compelled to comment on this topic because I had such a similar experience when my husband finally proposed after 7 years of dating, and then again at our wedding. I just felt so normal during both events. Disturbingly so, like "oh of course I am getting married right now and saying these vows in front of all these people. This is totally normal and, when can we sleep?" My husband cried but I was stoic. I am so relieved, 7 months later, that other people have felt the same way. It's good to know that I'm not just a cold-hearted snake.

I actually feel guilty for wanting children, because at 24, I feel I'm too young to start seriously thinking about a family - I should be focused on a career or a master's degree or a serious hobby or... just anything but kids. This is probably my hippie feminist mother talking.

But I can't shut off the biological clock, and wrapped up in that guilt is the fact that I'm quite selfish, and I love sleep, and I love being frivolous with my money and my time. I don't even like kids that much! Having a child would throw a gigantic wrench into my life, and so I feel guilty for even wanting one, because I'm convinced I'd be a terrible mother right from the get-go.

How is it possible to have motherly guilt and not even be a mother? Yeearrrgh!

Thank you for sharing your experiences, and for having this open forum where people can share theirs. Reading these stories, I feel a bit more like a "normal" human being, whatever that means. Ben is adorable (those little wrinkly knees!) and it's wonderful to see how he's brought your family so much happiness. :)

When I got engaged, I thought, "I should be crying for joy." But I didn't cry. I was happy and in shock because he surpised me with the proposal! It was a wonderful moment, but I didn't react in the way I thought I would. I have since cried because I felt overwhelmed by how wonderful it is to be loved by him. And I love him so very much.

Thanks for your honesty in this post. It was beautiful and true. And your experience with your son was YOURS, and no one can take that away from you!

Ben gets cuter by the picture! It's crazy! Thank you for writing this post because I have had many experiences like yours. The one most similar to yours (as I am not a mom yet) was bringing home my cat from the animal shelter. She was as adorable as could be and sweet and I had picked her out myself but when we got home, I would just look at her and feel invaded, like, "What is she doing here? That's not my cat!" (the first cat I had ever owned had died 3 months before I got her). I think it takes time for any bond to intensify and strengthen. You have to go through things with that person to bond. I also think that some people (like me)need time to adapt emotionally to things. Any time there is a situation where the pressure is on for me to be happy or be the center of attention (birthdays, graduation, etc) I have a hard time really feeling the situation. It's usually after the fact that the feelings hit me and I can feel the joy involved in a situation. I need a quiet moment after the fact to really "be" with my feelings. And it doesn't mean that the feelings aren't there, quite the opposite, it just means that how and where they are expressed is different from the stereotype. With my boyfriend, it is the quiet, serious talks that really make my heart explode and make me crazy with love for him rather than grand gestures. The gestures are great but it's him telling me something personal and real that truly moves me.

I totally understand not feeling the love right away, and you're so brave for saying so. There's so much going on (like you said)that demands our attention during and after delivery.
I felt guilty about the birth of my first son, I was only 17 and that "motherly instinct" to read all you can & educate yourself about the birth and raising children didn't kick in. In fact I saw him more as a cute little baby doll that I could have fun buying clothes for and later like a little brother. What happened? I think it's just the past few years I've been letting go of that guilt and it's been 18 years since his birth. I think we're all too hard on ourselves and expect way too much. Thank you for allowing us to share with you.

No instant mother-love feelings here either. They came the next day after son #1. With son #2 the nurse handed me Ryan and said "oh he's so cute" and I looked at him and thought "no he isn't". Isn't that horrible for a mother to think? I can say now at 21 he is very handsome :>).

you are one brave mutha, andrea !

i treat a lot of women with post-partum and attachment/bonding issues. they are consumed with guilt that they are not over the moon about their new baby. but it's really a toss-up whether or not you'll feel attached or detached. certainly going through the trauma of giving birth is enough to knock any gal for a loop.

ok, confession time. when my best friend had her baby, i felt sad. yeah i felt happy for her, but i was sad because i felt as if i was loosing her.

it's hard to admit that.

Must speak up and say: No kids, no plans for any, but: Those little frog-legs? They are killing me with The Cute. Not softly, but sharply, with much pain in the girly bits.

oh honey, we need to sit and have some good long talks because yes, i felt this same thing. I wasn't the one crying when the baby was put on my chest...Tim was.... I wasn't the one crying at the alter...it was Tim. So yes, I've been there ...and been there thinking it was wrong, I needed, should feel these feelings but afterwards...not too much longer I did feel them and it all slipped into place. So I've been there and I hope for the time that you and I can have the time to sit and talk about our experiences because that is when real moments come out.

thank you so much for sharing!

xo

My story is similar to all of the ones above, i fully expected to cry and feel something right away... but i fest satisfied. I was calm and like okay well thats done! Then i felt so tired that all i wanted to do was sleep. I was like nothing amazing it my life had happened at all. It wasnt until the nurse took my son out of his little hospital bed thing, and took off his sleeper and told me to keep him with me in my hospital bed for the night. I couldnt believe this all these thoughts ran through my head, this was my first child ( and i can sleep through everything! ) and condisdering i had just given birth an hour ago and it was 1am and i was extremely tired i could just forget that he was even there and he could fall on the floor! But she assured me that it would help us bond, and i was to tired to protest, and that was it the best night of my life! I know they say to sleep your babies in a crib or there hospital bed, but to sleep with my brand new little boy with his skin to mine was an experience i will cherish for the rest of my life!

thanks, andrea. i think your story is going to definetly help me if i give birth someday.

at my wedding, i didn't really want to chit chat with anyone. i wanted to hang with my friends and par-tay. it felt kinda weird trying to avoid people at my own wedding. but i hate small talk and did not want to be doing on that day. i did manage to have a great time and so did most of the other guests, so i've been told.

Andrea,

Thanks for your honest (and fabulous) sharing. It's sometimes hard to NOT compare ourselves to others or idealized versions of our perfect selves. This was helpful to me, especially today. So happy that you're happy in life.

All the best,
shea

I can totally relate to your post. I gave birth to my son on December 28th 2006. I thought that I would be very emotional but I wasn't. I was in shock and awe and as you said in pain from being stiched up. I also was in a state of relaxation after going through all that pain without drugs. It was not how I envisioned. Thank you for normalizing this topic and know that you are not alone in your experience. I bet most of the time the birthing process does not resemble the movies.

oooh yes you have have articulated what no mother talks about.... the anticlimax...

I was convinced that my feelings of 'well you're a baby and your small so I guess that makes you cute' with my newborn were because it was winter and we didn't get to do much of that skin to skin contact they all rave about as so important for bonding. but i think the anticlimax would happen any season. that feeling of 'who are you?' and 'is that it?'

stitches and sore boobs seem to cloud those lovey dovey feelings your 'supposed' to have. I remeber joking to my husbad that all those breastfeeding hormones were making me love him more rather than our newborn.

but now my nearly two year old makes it pretty clear every day who he is....and the love has grown and is indescribable.

Oh Boy Oh Boy! Mom guilt just keeps on coming! The fact that I would "Never" say or do some of the things that my mom did, and then actually hearing myself say those things and watch myself doing those things! I always thought that motherhood would be cooing and peaceful and well kinda like a fairytale...Wow did I find out different! I love my children but I have learned to embrace the uneveness the reality of stress and the madness of motherhood that come with the good times...there is no magical "parent-land" where the children are always wonderful and the parents always calm and grateful...there is so much imbetween...highs and lows of loving and learning...the important thing is not to "judge oneself" too much and to be willing to make mistakes--oh my lord now I am sounding "preachy" which is not how I wanted to be....

just hang in there! Thank you for sharing your truth...because so many of us moms are afraid to do that...and your honesty helps us to open up and share who we really are as moms, people, women and parents...I love the fact that you can do this! I love the fact that you are learning to "love" your baby...your voice is just so refreshing...

xxoKathleen

On my wedding day, at the reception, during our first dance, I was happy but even more I was EXHAUSTED. I needed to lay down my head and cry, but I felt like that wouldn't be right - I asked my (brand new) husband if it would be all right if I cried then. And he smiled at me and said, "of course! Everything is ok." Just one more piece of proof that he was (is) the right guy for me.

And I didn't feel overwhelmed with love when Katie was born, either. When I was pregnant, I used to watch those "A Baby Story" shows, and every single time the baby was born, I would cry. I would SOB, sometimes. So touched, so happy for them. When my own child was born, I mostly just felt tired and relieved and worried. I was happy, but I had no overwhelming emotion the way I'd expected to. Of course starting within a couple of weeks, and continuing to now (my daughter will be three in a little over a month), I feel the same way you mentioned feeling - I love her more and more all the time. I keep thinking I can't love her any more than I do! But then another week goes by, and I do.

Amazing. Congratulations again on your beautiful boy.

Thank you for sharing this.

When I hear my baby up (babbling, not crying) and I look at the clock and it says 6:15, and I think to myself "I cannot do this. I'm so tired." I turn the volume all the way down on the baby monitor; I set the alarm to wake me up in 10 minutes. And then I hit the sleep button for 10 more. Those extra 20 minutes make a huge difference in my mood for the day, and I know he's fine just playing by himself for a short time. I still feel guilty that I don't jump out of bed feeling unable to wait another second to see him. I love him; I'm just not a morning person. But give me a few extra minutes of sleep and I'm able to go get him with a smile.

Yes. Yes yes yes. I felt the same way, and after our first son was born my husband and I kept giving each other these sorta worried looks like "gee whiz, what the heck are we supposed to be feeling right now..." but in time passing after, I realize that that moment was a lot more special that I ever thought, that I may have been worried that I didn't feel the way I was supposed to feel, but that whatever happened that day and every day after was strong and true, and I return to the moment I met my son again and again. This thing takes a lot of time.

My third son is now a year old, and everyday I look at him and think, 'Oh good, I love you more today."

I love your writing about what you are going through, it is very true and real and very much like what I experienced when I had my first son. Thanks.

Completely! My boyfriend moved abroad for 2 years last April and it took me ages to get used to being away. At first I was lost and cried alot, then I got angry, then sad again and now I feel guilty. Why guilty? Because I am finally going out and meeting new people and socialising like a normal human being again without feeling like I lost my whole left side. He says he's happy I am going out but it still feels weird. The guilt is ridiculous, just like the self-bashing you did when your gorgeous baby was born. Emotions are weird things!!

I remember when my son first came home, it was like having a cranky house guest. My husband and I felt like we were walking on eggshells in our own home, tiptoeing around this very demanding guest. I am pregnant with my second and I appreciate your post today, reminding me that it takes time to fall in love. Thanks!

I think mother/baby love is so otherworldly at first. It is an entirely new way of relating to a human being. Even though it didn't look or feel like I imagined it would (like in the movies!), I could have never imagined the kind of love I have for my daughter. It was almost like integrating a brand new emotion, at age 33!

After Tessa was born, I wrote:

What took me by surprise is how it all set in gradually: how much I love her in a way I have never loved anyone, the concern I have for her, the depth and quality of my relationship with her. I guess if that all hit you at once, your head might explode.

First off, you are a brave, and wonderful mama. :) And Ben gets cuter with each photo!

After my preemie twins were born, and my oldest had just turned 1, I was in way too much shock and depression to feel much of anything for a long time. I had to take it a moment at a time and allow myself to feel whatever love I could, when I could. It started small and grew more every day, until now, I couldn't ever imagine life without them and NOT loving these little souls.

Thank you for sharing your feelings so bravely with everyone, and your experiences. Be gentle with yourself, and remember that you are the BEST mama Ben could ever have.

love to you and your family.

When I was 20 and a single parent in the delivery room, I became a parent to prove to everyone that I could do it, alone and 20, and I did not love my son until about a year later, and then only in little waves when I could manage it. Several years later, when I was madly in love married and delivered my daughters 17 months apart I loved them instantly and cried when they put them on my belly. But in the seven years since that, I've come to learn that I was having children so that my husband would always be connected to me somehow, and that if I could take it all back, I would not be a mother. That's my dirty little secret. Yes, I love my children, but I would not do it again if I could. Horrible, horrible guilt follows me everywhere, but I had to shine a light on my secret and name it for what it was. Now I'm working on moving past knowing this truth about myself and still raising empowered, independent, loving children. And P.S. no surprise that it didn't work having children to keep my husband with me. I knew that intellectually, but emotionally so ignorant.

Oh, I totally identify. When my son was born, after all the years of infertility and finally success, I didn't cry either. His father cried. I had been in labor 23 hours and had eaten little the day before (premonition?); they brought me a meal in the recovery room and I threw up before I could eat a single bite. I just needed to RECOVER. I did drink two real cokes (with sugar) which were the best of my life. Contrast this with the birth of my daughter four years later: a four-hour labor/delivery, all-natural childbirth without meds, and I felt like I was walking on air. I ate, took a shower right away, and couldn't wait to get her in my arms.

I've also experienced having the wrong feelings or impulses at given moments. That urge to giggle at a very ultra-serious moment (or occasion or place) for no reason at all. Very embarrassing!

I think I am the same way, too. I don't have kids, but my fears about being ambivalent are keeping me from having them right now (and I shouldn't be waiting much longer either.) When I'm overwhelmed, I'm very non-emotional, and I worry that people think I don't care. Case in point: we just adopted a dog, and I know I want her, but I am feeling a little ambivalent right now about her, especially because my cats, who I love, are put out with me about it. I worry that we shouldn't have adopted her, that my kitties will never accept it. But it's only been 3 days. I remember now, that it took me a while to get adjusted to the new cat, too, and now I love him to pieces.

This post of yours really appeared at just the right time for me. I have to realize that it's an adjustment for me and that I should take it easy on myself. I suspect that I will feel this way if I should get pregnant too, and probably again on having a baby. It's good to know that there are others out there like me.

I personally could have wrote exactly what you did. My first I was embarrassed because immediately I was not even sure if I liked her. Took awhile but now she is my almost 6 year old princess and I have gone on to have another and just gave myself some allowances for the initial period. It went much smoother second time around.

Oh, I had the same experience when I had my son. The day he was born was just plain disorienting. I don't know, I felt responsible for him right away (well, by the next day), and somehow "bonded", but detached in a way. My husband and I just kept looking at each other over the baby's head like "Who left this cute baby here?" It was just kind of surreal. That only lasted a week or two. Still, I spent that time wondering if something was wrong with me. It's a huge adjustment, though!

I had this big fear that I only told my husband before my son was born: I didn't think I would know how to love him because he was a boy. I had only been around girls, my nieces to be exact and I didn't know if what having a boy would require of me and if my heart would extend to him the same way, even if he was my own. Silly, no? But when I did have him, I felt guilty to have thought of that at all.

i feel a bit that way about my pregnancy. physically, i've been in great form, but the past few months have been mentally and emotionally horrible. there are times when i've wished that i wasn't pregnant....

i know that i will love my son, but this time leading up to delivery (perhaps next week?) has been anguish.

Mother guilt already. I know the feeling, and it's such a shame that we all put ourselves through it. I wish we wouldn't do this to ourselves - motherhood is the toughest job on earth, but we still beat ourselves up for not being perfect at it, or for not having all the answers.

I was the same, when my son was first handed to me all I felt was relief that the pain had stopped and that I could finally get some sleep after an all night labour (how ironic is that! I haven't slept through the night since). My hubby was very emotional, I just wanted to know was my baby Ok? Good then, can I please have a shower and some food and some sleep?

But the love soon hit me, and it hit me hard. When he was about 2 months old I started feeling that I love him so much I don't think I could I could possibly love another baby as much, and that maybe I don't want to have more babies, even though I had always said I did. The amazing thing is I was in the supermarket with my son and a woman came up to me and completely out of the blue said that when she had her first son she didn't want anymore children because she was so in love with him. And when she fell pregnant again by accident she was so upset. But she said it isn't that you only have so much love that you have to share, instead your heart gets bigger so you have enough love for each of your children.

My son is now 10 months old and every day I enjoy him more. You think your heart is bursting now Andrea - just wait!! Just wait till the first time he says Mama! Some days I don't get anything done because all I do is play with my sweet boy - I can't drag myself away from him.

Sorry - this is a rambling comment - i'm very sleep deprived and it's getting late. But I do think of you and your beautiful family and wonder how you are getting on, as I still remember very clearly what it was like in the early days. Looking back, I'm sure I was in shock for the first few months! But it gets better, and so much easier - I promise.

Sending lots of angels your way. Michelle xxx

I really felt the urge to comment on this post - I have been here often, leaving footprints but no words. When my first son was born I felt exactly like you. My biggest worry was the pain I was in and how to tell my husband that this would be our one and only child as I certainly wasn´t going through that again! I have 3 children so obviously I got over it but I remember thinking "hello there, who are you?" each time one of my children was born, I also thought my children would seem more familiar to me. I am still getting to know them and they are 11, 13 and 15 now!

I had a fast labor and delivered my daughter in an ambulance. When I first saw her face, I was alarmed! And a little frightened; she looked so funny. I remember being pregnant and being afraid that I wouldn't think our child was beautiful. So I can relate to your story -- I was in shock -- awe -- wonder. Of course it wasn't long until I thought she was the greatest thing, but it was automatic at first.
There are just so many things people can't tell you, for it is your own experience. Though my daughter is now 32 months old, it still feels surreal at times: she came from me, and as she grows older, she is moving away from me. It is bittersweet (most mostly sweet).
All the best!

I feel that way about marriage, frankly. I knew that I loved my husband, but the marriage part has taken time to grow on me. After 8 months, I can say each day is getting better, but I didn't have the Walt Disney fairy tale experience that we often hear about. It does take time for things to settle into my soul. But once they are there, my love runs deeply. I have so many fears about motherhood. I am not ready yet, but I am curious about others' experiences. Thank you for your beautiful honesty. This is one of the many reasons why I read your blog. And Ben is just gorgeous! :D *Hugs*

I really enjoy reading your blog. Baby Ben is absolutely a dream! So beautiful!

I felt the need to respond to this post. There have been many times in my life that I felt this way. You hear over and over about the emotions you will experience in a certain situation, and when it doesn't happen like "they" say it will - it's confusing. I often feel this when it comes to the death of my Dad. When I was 22 (11 years ago) my Dad passed away. He was a huge part of my life and I was very close to him. Everyone said that everyday of my life I will think of him and feel him close to me. That doesn't happen. As the years pass I feel sad at the distance that I feel. He doesn't come to mind each and every day. I can't hear his voice anymore when I think of him saying things to me. Time is slowly diffusing his closeness to me. Often I feel guilt about this and wonder if I'm the only person in the world that can love someone as much as I still love my Dad, yet I don't think of him each day.

Thanks for posting this. It's nice to have a place to just say it.

Love to you and your beautiful family!

I had a similar experience, but I had been warned by others to not be freaked out by it (and no one told me about the placenta either... that was almost worse...). My daughter must have been 6 months old before my first thought upon looking at her was "whose baby is this?". I loved her, but it was strange...

I adopted my next two kids and with my son (the second child) was the only time I have ever in my life had the instant, visceral, overwhelming connection and love for another human. Not even my husband was like that.... so instant. The minute that found out that his other mom had signed the papers, I was WASHED over with that feeling. I knew I would chew my foot off for that kid. Not recovering physically from labor had something to do with it, sure, but it was crazy. It didn't happen with my third. I take comfort in knowing that, just as my kids are so different, the way that I come to know and love them is too.

:-)

Dude, your posts have been scaring me out of motherhood lately. Not that it's happening any time soon, but still. I read your posts and I'm all, woah. Serious woah. Could I ever do that? Thank for being so true to blog, so to speak. I like that I'm feelin' ya.

Last year I became a stepmom. After living sort of wildly throughout my twenties, I was sure I was ready to take on a husband and two cute little kids. I wanted a family desperately and being a ridiculously impatient person - an instant family seemed perfect! Plus, I was a stepchild myself so I figured I'd be a great stepmom. I'd know just what to do.

What I didn't take into account were the feelings of guilt and shame that would come with having stepkids and being totally annoyed by them a lot of the time. I just figured that everything would come together and we all love each other. And while I do care for them tremendously, I can't help but think, "If this were my own child, would I be so annoyed? Would I be acting more loving?"

Step-parenting is such a ridiculously complex job...the relationship so ambiguous, the roles so unclear. And while I know and accept this, I still feel HORRIBLE for not wishing they lived with us full time and ROTTEN for dreading the end of the school day.

Fortunately, I'm not even a year into this marriage and step-parenting gig, so I have hope that in time things will change.

And as others have said...thanks for your honesty. My husband reminds me that a big part of what makes people unhappy is reality not lining up with one's expectations. So I'm glad to know that when we have a child of our own, I might not have the instant love then either!

My first was not the ideal delivery. Drugs, pain, stitches, etc. So....I didn't even think about the baby much because I was so out of it. The second was another matter. That was ideal - quick birth, immediately bonding, just like they picture it in commercials. I don't know, maybe that first time around you are so overwhelmed with what is going on and after that you aren't. I can't explain it. However just wait....I pick up my kids only to hear that the kindergartener spent part of the day in the principal's office. Yep, enjoy the baby days while they last.

I am so not a baby person. I had 3 c-sections and each time brought home a baby girl, marked off three months on the calendar and held my breath. I knew if we both lived to that point we'd both survive. It was the hardest thing I ever did.

The baloney they sell in the movies and baby magazines is good for the garden. There wasn't an instant love connection. I wouldn't want to think about my life without any of them, but I will not delude anyone into believing there is something wrong with them if they didn't feel instant love. It's silly. It's a fairy tale along with the big bad wolf, and happily ever after.

Love is sacrifice. That's how I came to love these wonderful gifts I gave birth to. I sacrificed a portion of myself for them, and they in turn gave me the same consideration when I wasn't such a great mom. At then end, they are wonderful people, we love each other and my life is better for knowing them. I'm glad I did it, just don't ever think it was easy peasy. That's for crocheting and cooking.

I had a very difficult time when I came home with my daughter. My son was 4 years old and anyone who has a 4 year old knows that that is a very difficult age. I fully anticipated the PPD because I had it pretty badly with my first. The entire time I was pregnant with my daughter I feared I would love her as much as I loved my son. I immediately fell in love with her. I remember nursing her in the hospital and it was like I had been hit with a ton of bricks...I literally *felt* the exact moment I fell in love with her. Anyway, when I came home from the hospital, my son was this stranger. This stranger that bounced and screamed and ran around the baby. He threw tantrums and tried to deal with his life being turned upside down. My life for 4 years revolved around him and now. Now my life was spent nursing this precious little one every two hours. And mommy was tired and mommy was depressed. I remember thinking how NICE it would be to push him down the stairs. How nice it would be if he just went away. I still knew that deep down I loved him, but I really struggled with LIKING him. I was ashamed of myself. Was my heart really not big enough to love two children? Needless to say, the feelings passed. I adore both of my children. But, there are days that I miss the one-on-one bond I had with my son.

I've been somewhat of a lurker on your site but this post has prompted me to write. I found you via Jen Gray's blog... I'm commenting because I feel a great sense of relief in reading about your experience with Ben. I don't have kids and my window is closing fast- it may have already closed (just turned 39). I like kids and I love my relatives kids but what if I have a child and I hate them? Or worse, they hate me 'cause I suck at being a mom! I'm not sold on the whole mom/parent experience as it has been marketed. My and hubby are very happy the way things are and I can't take it back if I don't like it! But reading your blog makes me realize I don't have to measure up to pop culture's interpretation of being a parent, I can let it happen and if I don't "get it" the way it's been marketed to me -well that's ok!

I love our pictures and Ben is a cutie - thanks for sharing - you are amazing and certainly live up to your moniker of SuperHero!

I dont' have any children yet, so I can't relate to this specific situation. But my boyfriend recently proposed to me at Christmas. I have been dreaming about getting engaged and longing to marry him for about 2 years now, and it is finally happening, and when he asked me, I felt so underwhelmed. I guess I'd built up the proposal in my mind to be this huge momentous occasion, and that I'd cry and laugh and scream with delight, that he would have prepared some elaborate poem or tell me why he loved me or why I was important to him, and the ring would fit perfectly, and it would all unfold at some special location. None of that happened. I'm still a bit disappointed at the way he proposed to me, but there's nothing I could do about that. What I was most surprised about was my own (lack of) reaction - I had to fake it.

But now that the planning is underway, the reality of the engagement has sunk in and I'm really happy. I think sometimes it just takes a bit of time to hit you.

i had no idea how much i love the man who recently left me after five years.

i tell myself there is a reason for everything.

ben is so so so adorable. i am glad you are back posting blogs! :)

I just read an article about this very thing:
http://www.parenting.com/parenting/pregnancy/article/0,19840,1150001_1,00.html

i'm moved to reply to this blog because it's exactly how i do it too. when my son was born five years ago he seemed like a stranger to me, i didn't feel the expected familiarity and certainly no overwhelming love. And i never really spoke of it - it wasn't the requisite maternal response. I expect i would have killed for him had it been necessary at that point, but i didnt have the soft knowing love i had been led to believe was normal. Slowly but surely, as i 'learned' him i grew to love him. And when i thought i'd reached the peak of my love for him - i loved him more! And i loved him because i knew him. And that knowing and loving is still unfolding. It's an amazing thing. I had the same response to my daughter when she was born, but i think i enjoyed her more because i knew the love would come, slowly and surely.

thank you for sharing your experience - i love your honesty.

Totally relate to the not-love-at-first-sight feeling, and my experience was probably exacerbated by the fact that I didn't give birth her myself. We were present when our daughter Alex was born, and she came home to us from the hospital 2 days later; however, for the first couple of weeks, I think my husband and I were sort of like: "Cute kid. Wonder when her parents are picking her up?"

And the feeling that you love them more and more each day? Well it's now almost three years for us, and we STILL feel that way.

Glad you're enjoying motherhood!

K.

Oh Yes,

Two things really resonate here. First, the just being "tripped out" after having a baby and being so glad that the labor is over, and then the "who is this new person anyway...?"

I remember being amazed by the fact that I had carried him (my first baby) around for months, felt him kicking, punching, hiccuping, but really had no idea who he was! When he came out it was like, "Oh, THERE you are...Is THAT what you look like?" The falling in love happened soon, but it wasn't instantaneous.

The more salient emotion was, "They'e actually going to let us take him home? US?"

I think the bonding happened faster with my second baby, just because I knew what to expect so the trippy part was less overwhelming.

It's all fascinating isn't it? And parenthood never stops surprising me...It's quite a ride.

Stephanie

I didn't know I loved my then-boyfriend (now husband) until he moved a thousand miles away to start a new job. I didn't know I loved my then-newborn (now eight-year-old) until the nurse attempted to wheel his little plastic box away from me, so that I could "rest." And I didn't know how much I loved our black and white border collie, who used to be so underfoot that he'd almost trip me when I was trying to carry said baby, until the dog passed away.

I sense a pattern here...

In October i moved from Vermont to Seattle, away from a family I am VERY close with - and now its almost February - and I am only JUST now starting to feel homesick. It felt so strange to have people calling and asking and expressing their "missings" and I only felt relief at having landed safely - and getting set up and finding work... rather then missing my family.

on a side note - this is the first time ive posted a comment but i love your blog, and very much appreciate your photos and your sharing... congratulations on your beautiful family!

-Hannah

My husband cried at our wedding too! I think I just felt relieved that finally- after 5 years of co-habitating- we finally got to the altar! I remember looking at him like- "Wait a minute- I should be crying, not you!" And I thought to myself- I am really mad at him right now!- what a way to start a marriage! But, it's lasted through 20 years so maybe more hubby's should cry at their weddings!
BTW- Ben is SO cute!

The first words out of my mouth when they placed my daughter on my chest were "Thank God she's out of me." Not "she's beautiful" or any of those other gushy things you think you should say.

My kids are 4 and 5. My son just had surgery and going through it with him, taking care of him after, seeing his little personality and strength, I didn't think it was possible but I started to realize that I loved him even more than I had before. I think this continues on and on...

I had one of those experiences when I found out I was pregnant. Even though the pregnancy was planned, once I found out I felt very ambivalent about it and even wished I could go back in time. I later miscarried and still feel some guilt about that--as if my negative and fearful thoughts somehow caused it.

Thank you for posting this and dispelling the mommy myths.

Well, just last year I met someone for the first time with whom I'd had an intense, long-distance relationship for nearly a year (we met online through a mutual friend). Within 30 seconds of seeing him I realized that he was absolutely the WRONG person for me. Wrong wrong wrong. But instead of breaking up with him, I tried even harder to make the relationship work, because I'd invested so much into it and genuinely loved him. When I finally ended it two months later I was devastated, but secure in the knowledge that I'd (finally) done the right thing.

On a kinda-sorta unrelated-but-not-really note, I've been a lurker here for roughly a year and wanted to let you know that your words have been a trememdous help during my healing process from this relationship. You've made me aware of possibilities for my life I never knew existed - or maybe more accurately, were secretly afraid to believe existed! When you announced your pregnancy last spring I was so thrilled for you, and continue to be excited for your family's future together and grateful to you for sharing it with all of us. Thank you, Andrea.

funny, i just started reading your blog, attracted by the baby picture on mightygirl. anyway, i have to say congratulations and that your birthing room had a spectacular view, nothing like that in my hospital. jealous. anyway, the questions you asked are circulating in my head right now because currently i am preganant, expecting our first(s) and just had the fairly unpleasant experience of getting early contractions at 24 weeks. and asking myself a) did i do someyhing wrong? b) how can i make it through the next 4 months flat? c) is all this going to be okay and will my baby boys get through this with me?. kinda' heavy questions, ones i did not want to have to ask. thnaks for sharing about your experience at the start...i guess we as women don't always know how we will feel about our baby...it is good to know love happens all kinds of ways.

On the video of our oldest son's birth, I ask my husband: is he beautiful?

I very clearly remember asking that only because I felt I should express some interest. But the truth was, after a very long and intense labor, I didn't care if the baby was a frog. I was so happy he was out.

Now that my boys are older, I find that I am mostly even-keeled in my emotions. And then something will happen and I have a Mother Bear reaction come out of nowhere.

I like seeing that overwhelming love for my boys, but it's also important as a mother that my emotions don't leave me unable to function!

I'm really glad you posted that because I felt the same way and, of course, no one ever describes that as the feeling when they meet their baby. I had always heard the "love at first site" thing. I was in such a state of shock at having a c-section that I didn't even have the presence of mind to ask that they bring the baby to me right way. I was worried about how weird it all felt and the anesthesia and my shaking--I was worried about myself frankly. Then when I met my girl, I thought, "my god--she's a skinny blond with blue eyes! not at all the chubby hispanic baby I thought would come out!" I was really trying to wrap my head around that one for a while. ( I had also thought I was having a boy) Later, I felt guilty that I hadn't experienced the love a first site feeling because I had screwed up by not knowing the sex of my baby so I could have that instant bond. Also that I had let them take her away and her first impressions of life, instead of being with me and bonding with me, were of the nurses and then my husband. Even today, wriitng this, I can work myself up into another guilt attack. But really, all is well, and I'm more and more in love every day. It's true what you say that every day your love grows. Even now at 2.5 years, I think we're still falling in love. Now falling in love with the stories she tells and the funny ideas she has. It's great...thanks for making me feel better about those first moments. That fantasy about how it is supposed to be is very strong. The guilt really robs us of the joy, huh?

Thanks for sharing this. Reading this helped me understand that it is okay if certain things need to sink in. I've been in such a situation, i don't mind sharing it with you, it's just that I haven't shared it with the bloggieworld yet, that keeps me from posting it here. You can email me if you want. Anyway, i've felt that kind of guilt, of wondering when the 'feeling' comes in and I'm learning now that it is okay.

Much love to you,

Sophie

Andrea, I think most moms go through something like this...either from the first or a little later on. For me it was later on, once I got the baby home and quickly realized how HARD being a mother was. As the hard weeks pressed on and I found that my old life would be gone FOREVER...I resented the baby. While I loved her and was in total happiness in many ways, late at night when I was in a total state of exhaustion and overwhelmed with simply not knowing what to do to quiet her or get her to sleep, I really didn't like her too much. I hadn't been around ANY babies so it was hard for me to realize that she wasn't just trying to make me miserable on purpose, lol. Of course it wall went away with time, though I've definitely had recurrences of these feelings. Same thing happened with my second child...resentment after realizing, again, how hard dealing with a baby is. I thought the second time would be easier. Nope.

And even now, with my oldest about to turn five, there are times when I don't necessarily feel totally in love with her. Now that she has a will and her own personality and understands more, it's hard not to get frustrated when she acts badly or makes things hard. It doesn't get easier when they get older in many ways because you find yourself feeling they should know certain things...know better...but they refuse to listen or purposefully do something. All relationships are hard. The one between parent and child one of the hardest and definitely most complex.

It is PERFECTLY normal to feel the way you did...do. Being able to be honest about it is wonderful because so many mothers aren't. If I hear a mom say that she loves every aspect of motherhood and everything about her child...that it's all enjoyable, I immediately think "what is she hiding".

It's an wonderful ride you're now on...with all it's ups and downs. Enjoy it and know, always, that NOTHING about motherhood is black and white.

Thanks for being honest about this. I think it's totally normal, but people don't want to admit it. (Why does motherhood have so many secret myths?) I love your reaction - "You're a totally new person and I don't know you!"

For me, so far I don't feel really connected to our baby (still in utero). I know some people do, but not me - it's still a little odd to really ponder that there's a little PERSON inside of me. I did feel MORE connected when I saw an ultrasound picture that looked like a real person instead of a blob. I'm hoping that I will feel even more of a connection when we know what this baby's sex will be - that way I can give her/him a name and all of that.

Delurking to say, hooray for your honesty! We each come to love & motherhood along our own paths, at our own pace. I don't think your current journey signifies anything other than a true and honest introspection of a tremendously overwhemingly awesome experience that you are obviously overjoyed with! My feelings were very much along the lines of yours, a quiet, day-by-day, ever increasing joyfilled love that I felt( and continue to feel)---very genuine for me and my personality. I also NEVER was able to feel the bonding I expected to feel when I was breast feeding...I called it the "Madonna & child" feeling...I never felt it! My good friend (a pediatrician) laughed so hard when I told her this, and she now tells this story to her patients who are struggling with breast feeding...You're lovely, Ben is lovely, ENJOY and nap when you can!

I am the same way. It takes time for me to fall for things/people/pets/ideas. My most serious relationships have always been about a growing love. Not love at first sight. The ones I dismissed at first are the ones I can't live without later.

And as for pain, let's just say I am the one you want in an emergency. I will get you all the way through it before it even dawns on me that something unusual happened. Then, and only then, after it has ended, and the adrinaline is gone, then I will cry. Even if it takes weeks or months to reach that point.

My father had cancer, and it took me ages to cry about it. I just pushed through and did what I needed to do. It was months after he had surgery that I was talking to a friend and mid-conversation, I broke down. She laughed! I wasn't sure why and I asked why she would laugh at a crying friend. She said she was relieved. She had been worried about me because I hadn't cried about my dad.

That's how I handle things. It doesn't stay bottled up, but it does stay corked for a while.

This happened for me pretty recently. I met up with Laura (you remember the geologist) in January, and I was totally worried about how I would act and how I would feel. And then, when I finally saw her and was around her, well...I didn't feel or act the way I thought I would. The love I had for her at one point, was pretty much gone, and its place there was almost this...annoyance at her insistence that everything was the same as it had always been. At one point I even said "This is really weird," and when she replied: "not to me," I knew that our relationship was fundamentally different.

I know, this is kind of a weird comment, and not very specific or detailed or even what you're asking...

But I thought I would share and let you know that I was thinking of you and knowing you would want to know that after 7 months, I'm still pretty great.

Thanks again A!

Much love to you and your adorable family!

-Jen

Just wanted to say that I enjoyed this post, and that I have really been loving your pictures of Ben - he's a cutie! I'm not a mother yet, but have wondered if when I have a baby it will be intense motherly love at first sight (I suspect that my experience will be very clinical somehow...) - anyway, it's nice to know that there are variations on the motherly love theme!