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wise words, mama!

Andrea,

So sorry you ever doubting yourself, but you are so right, there are so many ways to help your baby. I have always said you have to do what fits and it right for your family, whether or not, it works for anyone else, if it works for us, then well, it's RIGHT for us. Little Ben is so lucky to have such a caring and loving mommy and daddy like you both. Hang in there, it is all worth it!!

angie

you will sleep again, andrea. it's so cliche but it's true that this babyhood business is over in the blink of an eye. hard to believe, i know, but there will soon be a time where you will long for his littleness again! (sans the sleeplessness, that is)

drink. it. up.

and snag a nap when you can!

"There are lots of methods. Any of them will work if you do it consistently. Just pick the one that feels right for you and your baby."

That is such great advice. I was a behaviorist who worked with special needs children and really consistency is the key. Best wishes to your parenting adventures.

Just want to say -- I really like the title of this post. It's a great mantra for parenting, I think. All the best to you!

I think that is exactly right, that most any approach is a right one if you a) are consistent and b) are mindful about what you're doing. I don't advocate smacking your child any time they don't do what you want, even if you're consistent about it (that's being tongue in cheek, by the way)... I think any approach based in loving kindness will work. But did I know that at ALL when I was a new mother? Oh Lordy, Andrea, you are SO WAY AHEAD OF THE CURVE if you've gotten there already! It took me seriously until my daughter was nearly 3 before that gem really hit me. I'd spent ALL THIS TIME being judgmental about other choices, more out of fear/insecurity about mine and whether or not it was or wasn't the RIGHT way. There's no such thing. And not only is it okay to have different approaches, it's okay for parents to decide something based on the nature of their little one, or based on what they can personally live happily with, or both. And no two families will ever have the same child and circumstances to navigate around. I am just thankful I came to that realization before I was 50. :-)

BRAVO!

and

AMEN!

and

you go, SuperMom!

(secret: we ALL are. heehee)

Amen Sister!

how dare anyone cast doubt on you! it's your baby!!
xoxo

Amen! Great post. And so fun to see a picture of you and Ben together! Congratulations. You're a great mommy.

Andrea, I am such a fan of your posts. I'm glad to see it has only taken you a short period of time to figure out something I struggled with longer than I would have liked. Now that my twin girls are 3 years old, I have some serious perspective (perspective enough to be 6 months pregnant with another one...) and it is always humbling to think of how fleeting the childhood years really are.

The drama I went through dealing with getting 2 infants to sleep (while my husband slaved through med school) raised quite an eyebrow with my mommy friends, but I eventually gave away all of my parenting books and stopped feeling guilty about my decisions. My choices started to make me feel good and I didn't want to doubt myself anymore.

Now when I see all of our play group buddies all grown up, it's completely reaffirming to see how each kid is spectacular and loved, regardless of whether their parents let them cry to sleep for hours or whether they are co-sleeping at age 4. Our mothering debates and raised eyebrows of the past seem so 7th grade!

I will attempt to email you an essay written by the genius Anna Quindlen - a piece that moved me to tears (quite a feat actually) and something that I wished I had read when my girls were babies. All the best to you and your little cutie. xoxoxo

With the love that you have for that beautiful boy, there is absolutely no way that you are going to screw this up. That advise that you received is probably the best advise that you will ever receive. I have never understood the extreme judgement that is cast upon parents. We do the best that we can as we are tackling each situation, and the choices that we make come from a place of love. I do believe that is all that we can ask of ourselves. Our intentions are pure.

There is no right choice, there is only what is best for your family, and some how, some way, it it does all fall into place.

P.S. You look absolutely fabulous!!!!!!!!!!

andrea
you look better three-or-so months after giving birth than i've ever looked in my life! you're gorgeous!
take care-
maureen

Hooray! I feel the power of my Superhero returning, taking control. It took me so long to do that for myself. I love seeing you holding Ben.

Andrea,
Whoever told you go with the method that works for you was soo right. When you are a new parent everyone ) including baby books are telling you want you should do, which can sometimes make you feel really bad, when the way that works for little ben maybe just the opposite! Hes your baby and you are his parents, together you will work it out and it may take a long while! Each baby is different i was extremely lucky to have a little boy who loved to sleep we worked out a schedule where me and him slept in till about 11am every mouring! He also slept in my bed which is something very frowned upon but it worked for us and our little family. Go with your gut dont listen to anyone else! Sometimes even family members feel the need to tell you the right way of doing it, it sound terrible but ignore everyone except ben!

Andrea...oh yes, the debating mother syndrome, also known as maternal judgement complex. It's fervent...welcome to that "unique" club I told you about before. It definitely has it's perks and negatives, lol.

I've been blessed with two very good sleepers. With my first it was hard in the beginning, maybe four months or so. I was doing what you are...trying it ALL in desperation. Then one day a lightbulb went off...I just needed to STOP it all. What we found was this, consistency is the key...routine is crucial and even more important, trying to bypass that huge maternal instinct and fog you have in the beginning to try and regain some logical distance, which is hard believe me.

Logic can surely help you here...if you can manage to overcome the sleep deprivation,lol. Seriously, emotions are so dominant during this phase of becoming a parent. You react from your heart before your head much of the time and it makes your decisions not so sharp.

After doing all the books said and not having success I simply went back to what had worked for many, many parents 50 years ago. I used routine, did the same thing every night, had a definite cut off for it, meaning I gave it a half hour max, then I left it up to the baby. Yes there was crying and torment on both our parts, but really only briefly. After one week it was all over.

Basically it was this

1) Set bedtime, no matter what...no later than 8 p.m. even in thos early days
2) Winding down all interaction/play at least thirty minutes for bedtime routine
3) Same thing prepping for bed every night (though I didn't bath the girls every night...still don't, too hard on their skin). But bath, diaper, book, rocking and cuddling for a couple of minutes and then lay them down awake with a soother. Both girls used the same soother, this little stuffed rabbit head attached to a bit of blankie. We call it Snuggle Bunny (you should see this thing after two toddlers using it daily). We gave a paci, turned on some music in the crib (they have machines that attach to the rail or those great Fisher Price Ocean Wonders or birdy things...we still use one and my youngest is two). and then left the room.

I think the key, or at least it has been with us, is to lay them down awake. Don't let them get used to being put to sleep...let them learn to soothe themselves and do it on their own. After all, mom won't be there when they are 20 and having a night of insomnia, lol.

Every night the same thing. It's worked so well for us. I don't go into the room for crying unless it's just wailing. I did in the early days because I thought I had to. But then I realized babies wake and do cry in sleep cycles and most of the time if let be, they will go back to sleep. Actually, many times they're not really awake anyway. Once they eat more and can sleep all night without needing to be feed, crying and waking is just part of sleep cycles. If you feel uneasy about leaving him alone, get one of those tv baby monitors so you can see him...make sure he isn't in there hanging himself with his sheet (because I know that will go through your head...it's new mommy insane anxiety, lol. You think they will do the most absurd things to hurt themselves if you leave them for a half a second). You can see him on the monitor and hear him too, so you'll know he's fine. You'll still be awake mind you, but just not with him. Eventually you'll be asleep and either won't turn over to see the monitor cuz you'll know he's fine...or you'll glance at it and see that he is and be back asleep before he is, lol.

If you wait a while...a couple of minutes generally...they'll settle down without you going in.

To this day, if I hear my toddler wake at night I don't move. Only times I go up is if she's just hysterical. And she sleeps upstairs, on the other side of the house, and has since she was Ben's age. Course, she's my second. I don't know if I could have made myself ok with that with my first...but I would have tried, lol. And generally there is a reason for her really crying...she's sick or has wet through or something. Key there is to fix and get out, lol. Soothe and reassure or give medicine or whatever...and then tell them time for sleep again and leave them. If they must have you, if they are sick or scared...you'll know and of course stay with them. I just take them to bed on those rare occassions. But the cool thing is that my girls are so used to sleeping on their own they can't sleep with me and ask to go back to their beds, lol.

I always felt that really, you don't teach your kids to sleep. What you do is teach yourself to allow them to teach themselves. You must pull back your maternal reigns and fight the need to be there for every second of everything they must do...to oversoothe, so to speak. Once you master that, it honestly serves you well in so many other aspects of mothering. And when they manage to do it on their own...master it, you find that you don't feel that you've abandoned them or made them to suffer. You feel amazing pride in their accomplishment.

Now, at two, and even one, my daughter throws her book, bunny and blankie in her crib every night after I read to her...sits up against the rail with her pillow, blankie over her leg, book in hand, turns on her music and tells me goodnight. I have no idea how long it takes her to go to sleep. When I've looked in, it seems only minutes cuz she's out cold. But sometimes I hear her up there for quite a while...talking to herself.

I view this time as hers...a time for her to learn to be by herself and just relax and wind down from her day, just like it is for me. And the way I helped her discover this, is to let her do it on her own. It's a hard thing to manage as a mother...to let them learn it on their own, but when you do you'll be amazed at how good it will feel.

Good luck. I know this is all so hard. But eventually you'll find the way. And like you said, it's what works for you and your son.

Andrea,

you two look so lovely!!! While I am not a parent, I get a lot of information and lesson opportunities from your parenting posts for the baby/child me.

I really resonated with the image of you sitting on your cushion, next to Ben's bassinet, supporting and teaching him how to sleep. It's amazing because you have to do this without a shared language other than the one that is that love you have for him, your child.

I am doing that for myself and your experience is one that I will play in my mind, as a reference.

This past week I went to a seminar at Kripalu held by SARK. I learned about her through your blog, three years ago. It was because of you (and a few other women who love her) that I inspired myself to go--to learn how to shepard myself, without a language to do this, to where I need to go in order to be a healthy, happy adult.

SARK is amazing--funny, frank, real, magical, simple, human and fierce. Kind of like who I imagine you to be. Kind of like who I imagine myself to be.

Thank you for sharing yourself and for teaching me something, whenever I read your work!

xo Pritha

Oh Sweet A~ you and Ben are to learn from each other, you don't have to have it all figured out now that's the joy of it. I love your honesty about how hard it can be, it's real and that shows us who you really are. Keep it up, we love it!

Oh... and you two look so gorgeous together *smile*
Bx

Sweets.... SO GLAD FOR BEAUTIFUL HONEST GIRLFRIENDS xxxx

*YOU* are totally right... for YoU & your babe!
My methods are totally right.. for me & my babe.

All you need is a wonderful girlfriend to come over, make you a cuppa tea and give you a BIG squeezy cuddle.

The rest you will sort out honey... you are, after all... a super hero. Although none of us is PERFECT, we usually get it RIGHT for our baby, ourselves, our partners and our families. Most the time *grin*

Keep doing what you do Andrea.
Bx

well said, andrea. it is very, very hard to be a new mother. at that stage of our lives we need the same kind of tenderness and care as the babies we are trying to figure out how to love and nurture! :) i'm so happy to see this post. i have no doubt that you are finding your own unique way, and want you to know how deeply i trust your process. xoxo

He's so going to love this picture when he's a grown-up.

Hooray! Awesome post -- way to acknowledge your power in this little battle! And by the way, folks, Ben is a baby! I totally forgot this, and it took looking at the "sexy librarian holding impish boy" photo to remind me. He always looks so wise and knowing...like a fully formed person! Anyway, you're doing great. Superhero-great!

Gorgeous Brooch!

Kicking myself a bit-sorry for the assvice-I misread your post honey and I am sorry if my stupid list added to the feelings you mention here.

I second what you quoted here-I guess I tried saying it in a long winded way though-we tried a bunch of things until we found what worked for us.

You will too.

When sleep deprived it is hard to see the light but it is there I promise it will get better and you will get more sleep soon.

Hugs and love

Kicking myself a bit-sorry for the assvice-I misread your post honey and I am sorry if my stupid list added to the feelings you mention here.

I second what you quoted here-I guess I tried saying it in a long winded way though-we tried a bunch of things until we found what worked for us.

You will too.

When sleep deprived it is hard to see the light but it is there I promise it will get better and you will get more sleep soon.

Hugs and love

Hi, Andrea:

My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for 4 years now...so you have been an inspiration to me.

You still are.

I just wanted to say that.

Jeanie

Well said honey! You two look super cute, btw :)

you are looking wonderful, Andrea!
and finding your footing just beautifully :)

Landmine, huh? Really? I'm not a parent, but I come from the school of thought that says 'Okay, this has worked for me in the past - take it, leave it, morph it, whatever'. I haven't read the comments from your last post, but I do hope people weren't giving you a hard time. New babies are such a sensitive topic (no pun intended), just like buying a first home, new car or changing jobs. When it comes down to it, we can ask for advice, but all we can do is make the best decision for ourselves at the time....

"The good news is that with no absolutes, there are lots of right ways. And maybe we can't screw this up so bad after all..."

Absolutely. ;)

Having figured this out, things should get easier. When in doubt, look at your son - he's loved, happy, healthy, and thriving, and that's the goal, isn't it?

Your choice as a parent is always going to be the right one. I'm in awe and often speechless at the wonderful job you're doing -- and of course in awe of all that resonating beauty and joy!

Good for you. I hesitated to comment on your last post, because I know that anything can misconstrued when you are sleep deprived and hungry for a solution.

You are heading in the right direction. I read all the same books and some how came up with a solution that took pieces of wisdom from all of them. And it worked for us. And when it stopped working, I came up with a new solution. Consistency is important but so is adaptability and flexibility.

Blessings to you on this journey. You are a beautiful inspiration of grace and openess.

So good to hear from you and what great advice, "Just do it consistently!" It's just what I needed to hear as well, at a time when we're in the process of toilet training our 26 month old - just be consistent. Here's to sleep for you and dry pants for us. =)

hej andrea, well said. I thought 'oh my g...' when I saw all the comments on your last post. I am getting lots of advice too (my son is 2 months now) and I am getting more and more confused, I decided some days ago that maybe just maybe nowbody else knows me and my son as good as I do and its my job to find the right way for us... and maybe it's my right too. to make my own mistakes... I just hope you both are getting more sleep now. x katrin

I rarely comment, but your sleeping woes brought back a lot of memories. The sleep deprivation, the piles of parenting books. Like you said, there really are lots of right ways, and it doesn't end with sleep. I even found much of what worked with my first baby didn't work with my second. Best wishes.

Hey, my kids are in their late teens...and this type of confusion will last the rest of your life..lol. What's right for the Jones' kids may not be right for mine... Do what feels right for YOU. You know your baby better than anyone. I can see in Ben's eyes that he is happy and content and loves having you for his mama. Your last paragraph is right on my friend.

You got that right!

dear andrea,
I have always admired you, I frequently (daily ha!) visit your blog but rarely comment. today, I felt compelled to let you know how awesome I think you are!

my philosophy for parenting - do "whatever works" for both you & your baby to be content & happy. It may be very different from what others do and that's okay.

enjoy this precious time with your beautiful son, be consistent - keep a good sense of humor! continue inspiring all of us, even a soon-to-be grandma like me. Sue xoxo...

Amen, sista! When I read your last post, I let out the huge "uh oh" as well! I have a 15-month old, and we went through (past tense!) some of the trials of tribulations of helping him learn how to sleep as well. It's SO HARD and EVERY ONE has an opinion.

I felt so bad that people were commenting and saying things to you like they thought you'd choose this or that parenting method - ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU WERE SLEEP DEPRIVED!!! Ugh, I truly can say I felt your pain!

As I've learned in during the past 15 months, being a parent is truly a learning experience and one of the hardest jobs I've ever had (mind you I work full time in addition to being momma). Just remember, it gets easier in some ways and you will be faced with different challenges each month. But, the joy you will feel when Ben shows you one of his new-found tricks, will make it all worth it - every last minute of sleep you didn't get will be faded in your memory.

Good luck and go with your heart - you are a good momma and don't think otherwise!

Hey, there's no judgement here, girl. You do whatever you guys need to do to be happy and have a happy baby! I hope your little cutie is doing well and sleeping better now (as well as the both of you)! :) And, hey!, you got skinny again FAST! What's your secret? I need to start taking notes!! :)

You have so much love - just beaming though - you won't mess this up. You are great. Just keep doing what you are doing. You as his mom and he as your son- this was meant to be. Breathe and trust your instincts.

We relocated to Oregon from the Bay Area when our daughter was six weeks old. (She is one day older than Ben!) We moved into a furnished loft, so put all of our belongings in storage until we buy a house. I meant to bring all the books about parenting and baby to the loft, but somehow they ended up tucked away in storage. We also went a whole month without the internet! This is the best thing that could have happened!

I agree: you can't screw this up. If you love him, he's a lucky, lucky kid. And you do. So he is.

Ah, the sleep dilemma...

You know, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that I should follow my instincts more and doubt myself less.

It's easy to second (or third, or fourth) guess your decisions, but it's even easier to doubt your instincts when you're sleep deprived.

Don't doubt. Do. : )

You're a great Mommy. And you know it inside.

Follow your gut and that will be right for Ben.

Love the pic of you and Ben!

Saw that Oprah episode and thought that it was the most insightful thing that I'd seen in awhile. I don't have children of my own yet, but I do think about what would be best, working or staying home. It's a comfort to know that whatever I chose will be the best choice for me.

And take comfort in the choices that you make...they are what is best for you!

I'm not sure if any other job is as hard as parenting. You're right. There really are no right answers. Some choices are better than others but if you always make them with patience, perseverence and most importantly love you can't go wrong.

… and it's always blurrier with lack of sleep.

You're doing a great job.

you look damn hot in that skirt girlie!
little ben is totally loved.
im not a mom but somehow i cant help
but think that is all that matters.
i KNOW you and matt are perfect at
loving him.
jen gray

You look amazing, superhero.
I know what you mean - motherhood is so amazingly overwhelming. I always try to remind myself at the end of each day that I am doing the best i can.
And you, superhero, are doing the best you can.

Baby issues aside, you ROCK that skirt.

Off the topic...
Ben is going to have so many waaaayyyy coooolll pics to look at when he gets older. He is going to see how cool and beautiful his mom was when he was born and how adorable he was...you are making some wonderful history here, Andrea. His family and friends are going to love going through these photos and hearing the great stories you will tell...
Sunshine,
Jessica

you know...as a new mom i didnt think "uh oh" i thought, oh good someone else is having this issue too! we are normal. and ours stems from a big battle with reflux. im happy to say that after we made the decision to sleep with him and keep him propped up he and us are doing so well. he know sleeps 8 hours and hes 4.5 months. eventually i know he will need to go to his crib. but for now this was my instinct and the solution for us. i know its not as popular, especially with alot of our family, but i dont mind. im feeling better as i do things that feel right instead of what this or that book tells me to do. being confident in my instinct has made me a happier parent and i know simon is happier. one thing at time...ill worry about the spoiling later, lol. its so nice to read a blog of someone whos in that same part of the journey. loving all the cute pics.

Mothers are the fiercest creatures you'll ever meet. When caring for and protecting a child, it's admirable, a critical instinct. But it's dishonorable and damaging when it gets directed at each other, when it becomes an instinct to be critical.

When it comes to beautiful Ben, you and Matt are the experts. Let that empower you - it doesn't mean you have all the answers, but it does mean no one should doubt your instinct.

You are doing well.

So proud of you my friend. This journey is about you and your family, and you will find the way that works best for all of you.

You got it! The only "absolute" thing is that Ben is beautiful. Welcome to the hardest job on earth but man alive it is the best one.

soooo CUTE!

Parenting is hard. You have my utmost respect for doing it. We need people like you to bring up the next generation!

...and THAT is the lesson you will learn over and over and over again.

I know you probably don't need to hear once again how freakin' gorgeous the two of you are... but I just can't hold it to myself. Yet I have no experience in parenthood myself, but I am sonstantly preparing for it and all of you who write about the woes and joys of motherhood are so inspirational. And I really have no worries about Ben, sleeping or not, he's so beautiful, he looks so content and happy with his family and the world as a whole. Of course, I know, these are just pictures, tiny little moments of your life and ony you really know what you are living trough... but still I think there is no way you can screw it up that bad ;) And by the way, you are so beautifully slim and shiny after just three months... congratulations on that! Keep it up, girl, you're a superhero! All my best to all three of you. Be blessed.

I spent last week worrying because I'd read all those books as well, and our 10-week-old won't go to sleep on his own, so we were all doomed to a life of sleeplessness. Then my wise husband told me to put the books away, and that we had a beautiful baby and he was proud that I was doing everything I could to help our son learn how to live in the world. And that together the three of us would do the right thing.

Thanks for sharing your story, and reminding me how important the teaching process is. The previous commenter who suggested imagining all the other mothers around the world, rocking their babies in the quiet of early morning, had it right. It helps to know we are not alone.

(It's always scary to comment following a troll. Troll, troll, go away...)

You complain all the time now, shouldn't you just be happy and grateful that you have a beautiful baby?.

You bitch and complain all the time now, shouldn't you just be happy and grateful that you have a beautiful baby?.

what a gorgeous pair!!!

smiling soooo big at you....

love, m

You can never spoil a baby.
Your love is evident.
You are a good Mother.
Your bay is beautiful.
At the end of the day they are bigger and wiser.
My first child slept through the night at 6weeks.
My second child slept throught the night at FIVE YEARS.
My first child stop wearing diapers at 16 months, she could talk. I didn't even have a pair of underware for her, she said, No diaper! And that was that. We went to the store and bought some underware.
My second child was three when he stopped wearing a diaper. I still thought I was a good Mom.
My children are teenagers now, I still worry if I'm doing the right thing.
Andrea, part of Mothering is wondering if you are doing the right thing.
You can never spoil a baby. Your love is the best gift you can give.

I'm so glad to see a new post of you and your beautiful Ben. I too thought, uh oh about the sleep post. Having been in your sleep position for a while I know how opinionated the advice can be, not to mention how much you will get. Sleep seems to be one of the hot button issues of parenting - maybe because it goes to the core of some of your philosophies about how you'll raise your children. Anyways, having been on the receiving end of many of admonishings to 'just let her cry' I feel like my husband and I have just recently (20 months in)started to hold our heads high and own our decision about nightime parenting. All this to say, as you pointed out there are so many ways to do it and the only "right" way is the one that works for your family. You are doing such an amazing job and the fact that you and Matt put so much thought into your decisions about Ben only shows how much you love him. The important thing is not the school of thought, but the confidence with which you embrace your decision. The only other thing I have to say about sleep is not to get too attached to your particular rhythm - I've found that likely as not, as soon as you settle in the babe will shake things up and you'll have to jig things as you go.

I find motherhood to be such a challenging journey and I think you're so brave to let us all in to poke and prod as you are learning. I know that I certainly could not have stood to read 75 comments about my first three months with Esme. Love to all three of you and lots of sleep.

oh, and also?
You look amazing! :)

I agree. You just have to do what feels right to you. And, who could look at Ben's happy little face and believe anything other than you are a true superhero mama. :)

It's funny. I read your last post and thought the same thing... "Uh-oh." It was great to see that everyone kept it respectful in the comment section. It's such a touchy topic.

You are doing a great job, A. I hope lots and lots of sleep is in your near future. :)

As for screwing things up...you can't. You are giving Ben what he most needs in the world -- your unconditional love, your joy in him, and parents who are going to teach him all kinds of amazing things every single day. You're giving him a solid foundation to grow on. That's the best thing you can do for him. No one on this little planet is perfect, we do the best we can, every day, with what we have. You are doing your best by Ben by giving him the love and encouragement to grow into the best Ben he can be.

And because you are approaching all of this from love...there is no wrong way. There is what works for your family.

well said, my friend.

no absolutes.

i feel the same way about advice/comments about my fertility journey. you totally know what i am talkin' about, sister.

i love you and am so proud of all that you are doing to discover the best way for your family. you're so driven and committed and it inspires me to no end.

oh and can i say how fricken ADORABLE you two are? my god woman, you look fabulous.

loving you and feeling grateful for your brave~ness.

xoxo

I just want to say - that while maybe parenthood is full of insecurities - you clearly are doing your job and doing it well - your baby's happiness RADIATES in the photos, and well... keep up whatever your doing, you will discover what is best for your babe.