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Dear Andrea,

Mommyhood is such a clumsy delight, it really helps to have friends to share the questions with me. I have one particular friend who is my "Go-to-momma" - she's the one I ask about anything from cold symptoms to feeding transitions to behavioral issues, etc. I have seen her parent her three children so well and I really trust her input. She and another friend are my playdate pals (at our houses or out and about at a kids' museum, a park, etc.). I have a close single friend who I meet once or twice a month. I find it's my single friend who has the hardest time talking to me when my attention is so divided, so we wait until the kids are asleep to hang out. Other close friends I just call when I can or we invite over to share a meal.

All this is to say, yes, motherhood can be an isolating time of life, and not all isolation is bad (I could write more on this, but won't at the moment!). On the other hand, I've found motherhood also to be an instant point of connection with so many other women, and this makes it easy to make new friends - far easier than when I was in junior high!! I think we all want so much to do our very best, we all feel our inadequacies, we want our children to be happy and healthy, we want our marriages to thrive as we parent together, etc. etc. I think we contribute to building a web of support that holds us up as well as our families. Sometimes it takes a good deal of intentionality to keep relationships real and healthy (competition is unfortunately an icky part of some relationships with other moms).

Best wishes,

Carole

I just stumbled upon your blog and love it! I'm right there with you experiencing these same feelings. The way you have worded this is just perfect.

Your eloquent writing is right on the mark, and more self-aware than I was at the same stage. I've read about half the comments and they all seem to be supporting you in just the right way. I have only this to add (because I am a task-oriented person, I sometimes need more concrete items and can more easily offer them as support): Think back to what worked for you at other stages of your life when you were in transition and wavering in confidence. Was it exercise? Was it spiritual guidance? Was it little rituals? Then, apply those to your new life. If what got you through before was spiritual guidance, then make that a priority again -- find a way to get to Glide no matter what. If it was exercise, get to that yoga class, or start walking around your neighborhood in the a.m. for half an hour every single morning (with or without the baby). Just remember that you can't fill someone else's well if your own is empty. You have so, so much to give and to offer; depriving yourself means depriving your partner and your child, too. My only other task-oriented suggestion is to involve Matt in the discussion. For me, it meant letting my husband handle more one-on-one time and asking him to do it every so often before I went crazy. (He still isn't very good at hints). As far as friends go, just make sure you tell the ones that you aren't connecting with the same way anymore that you miss them. That's all they really need to hear, and eventually things DO get easier -- the ones you miss and the ones that miss you will still be there when they do.
Thanks for sharing your struggles with us.

I not sure when that feeling of isolation goes away. I have an almost 3 year old and the NAP still looms large over our day. I was also the person who said that I would take MY baby everywhere. It hasn't really worked out that way. I'm also not complaining, I love where I'm at in life. I have found other things that I enjoy doing that I would not have found if I had not choosen to stay home with my child.
I just found your blog through SK*RT and I am looking forward to reading more.

I'm currently wrestling with what I think are some wise words from a fellow former classmate of ours. Her observation is that "good" parents are boring. Now, the statement is problematic. Firstly, what's "good"? Secondly, we must be talking about a matter of degrees. The idea is that good parents are steady and dependable, which is to say, easily understandable to new minds looking for structure in their world. There is some wisdom here. I haven't finished digesting it, but I have started to at least incorporate it into my parenting. I'm being less judgmental against myself. I'm allowing myself to be err on the side of boring in favor of things like The Nap. My $.02

I've been wanting to reply to this as it is something I have thought of often, too, but sleep deprivation has done wonders to my capacity to think.

I find even with the other moms I've tried to become friends with that sometimes I feel like I'm back in my highschool cafeteria trying to decide which table I belong at. Even though I now share the commonality of having a young babe I still feel like I don't quite fully 'fit in' with some of these mom groups. I have been lucky to find other like-minded moms through my breastfeeding support group and playgroup - these things definately help keep me sane. But I, too, mourn the friendships I once had that seem to be slowly dying off. I think this happens with any life transition - it is that 'circle of friends' mentality where during some phases in life some are closer than others.

What an eloquent description of what so often goes unsaid (and yet felt by virtually every mother)! This reminds me of your earlier post where you spoke frankly about the feelings you had directly after Ben's birth and their dissonance with what you had anticipated.

I think as long as we moms are honest with each other about how often we feel "all legs and wobbles and no grace" it makes the process easier.

Good luck finding your legs! I have to echo what other have already said, in that just when you think you've found equilibrium, you'll find yourself in a new stage of unsteadiness.

By the way, I hope you don't mind but I am in a doctoral program (went back when my kids were 12, 10, 7) in child development/developmental science. I used your blog and a couple of others in a presentation to a class about how parents are finding new ways to create their supportive communities, including blogs and virtual support. These responses are a great example of that, as well as your post that triggered the comments.

I have so been there on this motherhood journey. I found that if the old friendships were meant to last that they would. That this was a time of transition that I wouldn't have made it thru unless I was "in the trenches" with other mommies that would "get it." That now that my children are older I am ready for those older friendships, and they fill me in a new way.

Love your blog. Your words always bring it all back to me! (my girls are seven and ten now).

It's a wise observation, the change that motherhood throws on the whole self. We kinda imagine that having a baby will be like babysitting full-time, not knowing that we will emerge completely different. It was hardest for me the first time. Once I had made that difficult motherhood switch, when my art took the backseat and bodily fluids took the frontseat, adding other people to our family felt more natural.

If it helps at all, for me now it is the most natural thing in the world. And after a while, you sort through the box of things you have had and figure out what you can pull out again, and what needs to stay boxed up for awhile. And some friends are a little more distant, and this is sad, but some stick around, and there are always new ones.

After a desert time of two years I picked up my writing again. Painting is still packed away a bit. It takes a kind of space that I don't yet have in my life. But I know that I haven't lost it, it's there waiting for me to turn around again. That is maybe the realization that is important, that we don't lose those pieces of ourselves, they just go into hiding a bit. My husband and I traveled the world, sleeping in hammocks before we had kids. I know we will never travel that way again, but I can't wait for the first time that I see my son's eyes light up when he sees his first elephant parade. It will be different. Maybe even better.

Best wishes in your journey.
(sorry for the novel... this topic means a lot to me)

Hi Andrea

not a mom but friends of moms- I found it difficult to adjust to friends now with babies as well. I think its good if the moms can help out the non moms by suggesting good places to meet etc. I 'm happy to travel to meet my mom friends and do whats easy for them. One asks me to come by after 8pm as her kid is then in bed. Another at pushchair friendly teashops. I'm lucky because I work part time and can meet in the day sometimes.

change is hard....

Congrats on the transition you are in. It sounds rich. And I may not be wise, but I can testify to the glory of THE NAP.

Oh yeah...

Congrats on the transition you are in. It sounds rich. And I may not be wise, but I can testify to the glory of THE NAP.

Oh yeah...

Welcome to one of the many aspects of your life changing that no one could possibly have explained. I always swore the same things pre-children. I would have a list of babysitters so I would still have my freedom and individuality; we said we would take our baby everywhere - including climbing 14ers (mountains over 14k feet). I live in Colorado and we swore we'd continue to enjoy the outdoors in the same way.

I can count on one hand how many babysitters I had through those early years. I barely left my children. 14ers? I looked at that baby and said never would I take him up where there may not be enough oxygen! We were far more protective (and tired) than we ever thought. The trip my husband won to Cancun when my youngest was 18 months? We just weren't 100% comfortable leaving her for 5 days. He took his Dad instead.

I wouldn't trade any of it. really.

Our "baby" is now 13 and he can climb mountains with us. OK, we are more tired and don't really climb much, but we do manage to hike. And now we could if we wanted to again. I'm in a bit of mourning, my son's voice is changing, his shoulders have broadened and he's taller than me. I look at pictures of Ben and it oh so reminds me of those wonderful days when he was a baby. Life continually changes in unexpected ways. Enjoy every single one of them, Andrea. I love, love your blog, photos and your beautiful way of expressing yourself.

It's bound to be a transitional experience, isn't it? Something so profound as motherhood, a completely new passage in life, is nothing if not dramatically transformational.

A girl becomes a woman. A woman becomes a mother. Each a wholly different experience of life.

You've got your core as an individual intact, your beingness, your creativity, your loving. It's a new lifestyle context that's bound to necessitate new companions.

wonderful post andrea! with all of life's changes (even the good ones) there is loss...and loss brings grief. so i understand you're not complaining...it's just a little grieving...

It's very reassuring to read your post and all these other comments and know that I am not the only one out there that feels this way. I guess it is one of those parts about becoming a mother that you just don't understand until you are one. I never realized what an affect having a baby would have on my WHOLE self. Good luck with the journey! (P.S. mine boy is 8 months)

I know it's really non of my business,
but I was wondering if you would maybe share your 'nap journey' with little Ben? I am in the same boat you were -
baby only sleeps if being held or in the sling,
and I try to get him to sleep on his own.
But after putting him down, soothing him, picking him back up, putting him back down, soothing, etc... he only falls asleep for maybe 20 - 30 minutes.
I feel so hopeless in this area - any wisdom you could impart I would so appreciate since little Ben is apparently mastering the naps now.

Blessings!

I know it's really non of my business,
but I was wondering if you would maybe share your 'nap journey' with little Ben? I am in the same boat you were -
baby only sleeps if being held or in the sling,
and I try to get him to sleep on his own.
But after putting him down, soothing him, picking him back up, putting him back down, soothing, etc... he only falls asleep for maybe 20 - 30 minutes.
I feel so hopeless in this area - any wisdom you could impart I would so appreciate since little Ben is apparently mastering the naps now.

Blessings!

I wish I had time this morning to read the 55 other posts below me, so I hope I am not reiterating too badly.
I have a nearly 4 year old little girl, and I went through this like most mothers do (unless they have perfect, quiet, angelic little children who do not fuss...alas, that wasn't my child).
Several friends have slipped into the past, many friendships changed. But I think you hit on something. First off, really evaluate which friendships which nurtured YOU as a person outside of motherhood are worth fighting for, and making separate time for, outside the context of your day to day life now. Keep those, they are worth their weight in gold, because everyone needs different parts of themselves nourished. Enjoy the new friends - some may grow into deeper ones, some may stay surface, as most of mine did.
And wait... time has a way of taking care of things. Those who truly care and understand what you are going through will not take it personally, and will still be there when the window of availability opens back up for you. And it will. We do TONS more, now that we don't worry about naptime anymore. The Mommy Bag (i.e. diaper bag now, but once you lose the diapers, you still carry crap around to feed/entertain) gets lighter and more attractive too.
It's a great place to be but Motherhood is like the weather in San Francisco. Don't get used to it, because in 5 minutes and it'll change again!

My son is almost 21 month's old and I still feel this way! And thought the same things that you did. That I will take the baby everywhere and travel and go out and about, etc...but alas it's not anything that you imagined it to be and it's a whole new life. We've also made new friends (that have babies) and when we see our old friends (that don't have children) it's wonderful but odd. I feel like I don't have as much to talk about (b/c they don't identify) but they are still treasured friendships.

My son is almost 21 month's old and I still feel this way! And thought the same things that you did. That I will take the baby everywhere and travel and go out and about, etc...but alas it's not anything that you imagined it to be and it's a whole new life. We've also made new friends (that have babies) and when we see our old friends (that don't have children) it's wonderful but odd. I feel like I don't have as much to talk about (b/c they don't identify) but they are still treasured friendships.

My baby is now 13 months and we're still navigating this. It seems that just when you start to know what to do they change and it's all new again. Thank you for posting this at this time. Also, the summer sunshine is helping with the whole isolation thing.

This is a something I have been thinking around alot in recent times...I am 5 weeks away from going on maternity leave for my first baby and finding myself in this ambivilant wonderland where the abyss of the unknown is looming large & I am in this state of trying desperately to be kind to myself in the face of the fear that isn't quite being being washed away by the excitement that I feel...

So, I haven't any words of wisdom to offer up but I just wanted to pass on how lovely it is is read such reassuring words...Isolation can be such an all encompassing sensation & so crippling but then you read the train of comments this post had generated, I marvel that we ever feel isolated @ all, so abundant is the sense of community & support...but our lives are more than what is lived & shared online and in the quiet times, I always come back to "be kind to yourself!"

Ah the never ending unfolding transformation from woman with grand ideas, to woman with baby! I remember feeling like I could hang onto life as I knew it, until I forgot what the heck I wanted again, outside of this baby. I am always flowing from baby is my whole life, to OMG I don't have a life...ebb and flow. But the truth is, you will hear a million times how fast the time goes and it's just too true. One day you will look back on the days when others encouraged you to nap, take it easy, stay home and rest - and wonder what part of that was a problem? Right now you are in transition, and you have a young baby - but one day you will have more freedom to go to all the places you've been missing...but they may not be all that you remember. Once life changes, and so does your perspective, things just stay changed I find. You are of course right where you are to be - and seem to be very in tune with your life path....so you will inevitably find a balance between old life, new life. You are not alone, and must be meant to try new things and find a new way, at least for now. Try not to fight it, and embrace whatever you are to gather from this newest challenge. I remember for me blogging became my contact with the outside world and other artists, and talk radio took on a new interest. And keeping a journal to sort it all out, took on new importande! Meeting up with other Moms until I found a good group to squeeze into - turned out to be where I have met some great women, who I suspect will be friends, forever. We share a strange bond, linked by our fears and mutual experiences, and at a time in life where nothing is black and white, they end up seeing you at your most insecure and unsteady....and that was sort of strange for me, to let strangers into that part of my life. That in itself, was a very healthy experience I hadn't realized I needed. Forming friends post baby, is tricky and feels a bit strange...and tends not to be as much your choice initially, as it is just geographics and age of baby. A sort of arranged friendship. But some great things may come of that, and sounds like you are already finding that out. But anyway, you are going to be closer to fine, with each passing day and even though you love where you're at right now despite the isolation, wait until Ben is 2 and 3...and you get an enourmous amount of feedback - and joy from him...you won't have room for anyone, and isolation will be your goal!!!! There is a grieving I went through early on, a sort of saying goodbye to a life I was quite happy with, in exchange for this wonderful and confusing new one... and no matter how much you want what you have now, you still need to say farewell, for now at least, to parts of life that don't fit. But don't worry, you will once again have a bigger than home,life....that includes adults and cafes and art shows and about a cazillion children's birthday parties! Sending you some happy energy tonight, and warm comfy thoughts....

I've been a mom (now to two) for over four years now. For me the transition has never ended - only changed. I still sometimes feel like a stranger in a strange land. Loving every minute as a full-time mom, yet still wishing I could have more "me" time. So cliche, but so true. Before you had Ben, your blog was a wonderful journey for me outside my little world. I still enjoy your blog, but is some ways, now you are visiting my world.

My daughter is a bit older now...but I do remember it was quite an adjustment when she was small.
I had never had to arrange child care before, and suddenly,going back to work, keeping a doctor's appointment, and even doing basic errands all became more of a challenge with a baby in the picture.
I was blessed with really great friends that stepped in and helped out, but still just being able to go to a concert or a gallery opening became for me a big deal too. It now required actual planning to do the things I had always just taken for granted.
But I don't regret a moment of the time I spent with my daughter as a baby.
It just became for me a different kind of fun.
More staying at home and inviting kid friendly people over.
More going to the park,instead of the mall.
More calling friends while my daughter napped to say "hi" instead of going out to lunch.
I still was able to manage adult friendships...but the terms and the timetable I was working with had changed.
I only lost a couple of friends after I became a mother.
They just couldn't "Hang" with kids and that's ok.
People change and some friendships are not meant to last forever.
It's just the way of things, I think...change happens, and I went with it gladly.
My daughter is nine now.
There is an awesome conference coming up this year in August in my professional field. I would love to attend.
However it is also Summer vacation for my daughter, and so therefore it's a "no-brainer" what I will choose.
I'll be spending my August at the duck pond and riding bikes and driving to music lessons and dance classes, and helping my little girl grow up towards being the really cool woman she will become.
I wouldn't want it any other way.
:)

Yes, it is a strange kind of thing. I am a first-time mom of a 3 month old-daughter. I'd also vowed to not let my old friendships drop and thought it exhibited shallowness and lack of imagination when friends did that with me. I am less available, but funny how some people - even old friends - seem to avoid me now, and others who used to ignore me make a beeline for me and that baby! And of course I have new appreciation for all those baby-crazy people. Anyone who offers my little one some lovin' gets big points with me. We're in the SE and so suddenly I've got these nice southern lady neighbors hanging over the stroller saying, "Why, aren't you just the most darlin' thing!" and offering to come babysit. I'm struggling, like you, to reach a balance between taking the best care of little sweetie and also reclaiming parts of my old life. Luckily our baby doesn't cry much. I hate to hear her cry and hate to hear other people's babies cry, too. Yesterday I was at a store where someone let their infant cry for a long time and it was horrible.

Such is the cycle :).

Well, I don't think there is an answer. The best you can do is what is the best thing for your family at the moment. You are a unit now. Some will "get" it, others won't and that's OK. I find now as my kids are older we are able to get out there more and do more things. But if we DON'T, that's good too. I like talking with friends, but I find my favorite people to spend time with are my kids and at least for now, they like spending time with me, too! Relax, it's no big deal. Things change and flow.

My girls are now 4 and 6, but I can remember so clearly where you are now. I love how you've put it..."all legs and wobbles and no grace." I still get a bit wobbly every now and then, like my daughter's first day of kindergarten. Lovely post.

It's comforting to me to pull up your blog and see my life written in your words - I am so glad I am not alone!

hey Andrea! I hesitate to offer advice, because my situation is so different from yours, but I'll sum up quickly what worked for me. about a year and a bit ago I became a full-time mom to my husband's 4-year old son when the birth mom ended up out of the picture. I know this is very different from having a small baby (we're actually overdue on our first, who was "expected" Tuesday, so maybe I'll have a totally different perspective soon). but anyway, it was a HUGE change from my living-in-the-Mission, going-out-every-night, working-full-time lifestyle to moving out of the center of the city, reducing work to half time, and taking care of a small child and a house. I fought it, and I had lots of little break downs, but in the end, I actually LIKE my new life and my friends have been amazing and evolved with me. but the major thing I wanted to say is this: for me, what worked was figuring out a couple of things that were absolute necessities and not ever compromising about my need to do those things. (in my life, that's exercise--yoga, swimming, hiking--and socializing with friends and/or my husband at least once a week.) once you know what those things are, you can often get them (it's sometimes a question of shuffling resources or trading with other parents), and for me, that made all the difference in feeling like my own needs were being met. I strongly believe that being in a family has to work for EVERYONE.

one last thing: one of the best ideas I ever heard was to do something cooperative with parents of a child about the same age as yours. say you'd like to go out (for lunch, dinner, yoga, whatever) once or twice a week. find one or two other parents to "trade" with and then you get to go out on Monday while you play with both kids on Wednesday, etc. if you can coordinate nap times, then maybe you don't even miss out on too much Ben time and it's easy on the parent who stays in with the kids.

ok, I'll stop running my mouth now! I have heard that the first six months are the hardest, so that would mean you're almost through the most difficult times ;). you're doing a great job--hang in there!

hugs,
Leila

This has been a particularly hard route to navigate for me, and it's always evolving. Forging new friendships with people who have children has been a gift. They "get it". As for old friendships, I've come to a place now where I'm just letting things be. Having small children is consuming and there isn't much to be done about that. It's just the way it is. The children won't always be small, and my time will free up a bit in the future. In the meantime, I try to keep up with people, but some friendships don't make it. It's sad, and it's loss, no doubt about it.

Andrea - I have been reading your blog for a month or so now...what is Ben's birthday? I, too, have a 5 month old son, Griffin - born Dec. 17th - and it seems that every time I read one of your posts, you have put MY thoughts down. Amazing.

Although you are on the west coast, I feel such a connection with you from Michigan. Ben is beautiful, and I have a feeling that if I lived near Berkely or you were here in the mitten, we would be striking up the beginnings of a new mom friendship.

The best way I have found to deal with the isolation and the adjusting is to just take it day by day. I wake up every morning and say to myself, "Angie - you will do the best that you can for today".

We just hit the 10 month old mark and I'm just starting to get my legs. I, like you, thought I would be one of those "do anything" moms, but it so changes. Life changes. Relationships change. It's just the nature of the beast, I guess. But as we near a year, I'm finally secure enough in my kid and our schedule to relax it some days. To try something new and try to recapture "some" of the old life. It's all balancing...

The most surprising aspect of new motherhood, to me, was the massive identity crisis that followed -- going from a 36-yr old, graphic artist, free to be out on the town to full-time at home with a new baby and owning a house for the first time was overwhelming. I remember telling my husband (when our first was somewhere between 6-9 months) that I couldn't wait to have my old life back, and laughing at myself several months later when I realized how far past I truly was from that old life.

13 years later, looking back, I can see that friends with kids about the same age were most responsible for the maintenance of our sanity, as well as much of the fun. Long-time friendships that have stood the test of time have evolved, new friendships built, and with a son ready to turn into a teenager (what?!), I feel able to stand back, yet again, and separate a little further (again) and continue to carve out a little more time for myself.

I look at your photos of Ben and melt, in part because they remind me of my own sons as babies, and sometimes I really am shocked that they are so grown, that it all happens so fast. If I could change anything about my own early years as a mother, it would be to accept the wobbles with greater kindness, to know that I was doing a very fine job of being a mother, and to remember that I was so much more of a person than "mother".

You know, I think this is so so normal. I haven't done it yet, being kid-less, but I've seen lots of my girlfriends go through it. It's always sad to me (especially my friends who have had kids young) how some of their good long time friends clearly just drift away. They don't know much about babies, and don't know how to adjust to their friends new life... so they don't call, since they don't quite know what to say.
It also makes me really sad that we live in a culture where moms get so isolated. You are in your single family house with just you and the baby, and the nap looming. That seems somehow not right to me. Shouldn't we be around other mom's co-caring for kids, getting emotional and physical support? I've seen, time and time again, the isolation be so hard on people, and I think the isolation isn't the necessary part... the naps are the necessary part! It makes me wonder what we all can do to help break that modern American pattern. Berkeley is probably the right place to start it...
Anyway, I'm sure it will get better, and I'm also sure you are doing a phenomenal job. I'm about to go through a bit of this myself, moving from NY to SF, moving in with my boyfriend the first time. Already I have friends who are drifting away because my life is becoming so different from their life. It's painful... I just hope that something really wonderful will open up.
So - I'm sending many happy thoughts your way. And at least he's napping now :)

I enjoyed your post and could totally relate- I was just at the point where I was "nap-less" my 4 year old had given them up. And what did I do, I went and had another baby :) What a transition that has been! He is only 2 months so he is able to sleep on the go most of the time. But I will tell you I am enjoying as my friends are now having there kids, as I am having my second, and are more understanding about naps, feedings, and the rest.
As my DD has grown, I have found more "mom" friends. I still keep in touch with my college buddies--but not as often

naps are essential. they are like food you know. its okay...
there will come a time you wont need them as much.
i am in my own different sense of isolation.
divorced. not a mom. a working woman in a town where most spend their days at the spa. i give into the isolation, too tired to
"get out there" and often too tired to even pick up the phone.
i am the old cat lady who lives down the street. I would welcome a napping friend anytime, wobbly legs and all.
xo
jen gray

hi andrea-
one of my very dear friends is a new mom. her daughter is gorgeous! seeing that baby in the hospital when she was just a few hours old made me incredibly... jealous! i know it sounds horrible, but that is the only word that accurately describes it.
someone else who commented really made sense when they said that the divide between single and family is far greater than the divide between single and just married. around the time when i didn't think i could stand going to another wedding, the phone calls started coming. it seemed like, all at once, all of my friends were pregnant. this sent me into a huge cloud of self-doubt. i've always thought that our society is very "family-friendly" and "child-oriented" and there are so many times when i feel incredibly left out, like i'm defective. when i hang out with my friend who's a new mom, i feel like the third wheel.
it's very helpful for me to read your post because she's making this whole "mother thing" look so simple. her sense of pride is numbing and i felt quite envious the first time i saw her in "mother mode". i will try to remember that inside she is probably feeling like you are right now.
thanks-
maureen

Oh Honey, I have been ruled by naptimes since the day they fell into a regular routine. Well, now we're down to "naptime" (singular), so that makes it a little easier. Some of the other mothers still think I'm a little nuts, but that's ok; me and the boy function better with the routine, and that's all that matters, right?

It took me a while to get it together socially. It sounds like you're on the right track, and much more quickly that I was! Just don't let yourself get stuck in the ruts of what you can and can't do now that you have a baby, because their tolerance levels change really rapidly. I've had trouble with that: I set all of these limits on myself, and it takes me months to realize that they're no longer based on what's best for my boy. Such a waste!

Oh - sorry for the book, here. To sum up, it *is* a huge change, and it sounds like you're doing a great job navigating it. Phone connections are better than no connection!

Hi Andrea, I feel like if I truly knew you (in person) we would be close friends. Thankyou for sharing your blog and for keeping it going even amidst the throes of new motherhood. I have three sons. My youngest is two and my oldest is almost fifteen. It has been a huge transition welcoming my toddler into my life. He is an incredible, joy filled child who I adore but what I relate to in this post is the attempt to figure out what from your old life to hold onto tenaciously and what to keep. I have a freelance writing career that is just taking off and we have just moved to a new community, and I am trying to find my place in this world that is so new to me... THANKYOU for your blog and the reassurance it offers that we are all going through this together. As I drive between appointment and see a beautiful mom walking with her baby in a snuggly I envision her life so much simpler than it probably is. I imagine her walking through the local art galleries and staying as long as she wants at a bbq but the reallity is so much more like, well, like reality. You are a beautiful woman and a fabulous mother and I pray that God blesses you abundantly through every stage of motherhood.

I have been experiencing this from the other direction as some of my best friends have started having children. Even more than the single v. not-single divide, the family v. single divide feels enormous sometimes. I don't have any wisdom, just the reassurance that when you have time, your childless (or located-elsewhere mothering) friends will be happy to see you again. I think that these friendships shift as people's lives shift, whether that shifting is happening because you're having children or moving to another city or meeting new people who take up time that you might once have spent with your older friends. You can only do so much.

Which maybe is what I lean on most for reassurance: all we can do is the best we can do, in good faith.

Even with legs and wobbles, you're still graceful.

yes, yes and yes - this is all resonates and the sad thing for me is there are no real answers or solutions. i too found that after becoming a mother friendships faded away and i became more isolated. i mean it's hard to talk on the phone with other friends that are mothers since we're all busy and the timing isn't always right for both. the friends i have that aren't mothers, well it's hard to relate i think in the early years since your life revolves around "the nap:, the routine, the world of your young one! I think it's really about finding new connections with other moms and finding those close few that you can really grow a deeper friendship with. As you know, it hasn't been the easiest thing for me since I work full time and so do most of my friends but it's worth finding them and creating that time for yourself and each other.

ps. i love SARK's new book too!!! :)

xo

I enjoyed reading this post, Andrea, as well as the thoughts of your wise commenters. I have to say, it's a little reassuring to hear a Superhero like you say that motherhood has been different than you expected. I suffer from the delusion that I must be making it way harder than it needs to be, and sometimes harbor a secret fear that all of the cool moms really ARE all hanging out at art gallery openings! Instead, I'm often at home alone with my wee ones, going through the routines of the day just like we did yesterday and will do again tomorrow. I try to challenge myself to make meaning out of the quotidian.

A couple of comments rang so true for me. Robyn noted that the "isolation is so unifying" -- I think about this a lot. I idealize more communal cultures in which young children were/are more easily integrated into the life of the community. Something about us all sitting alone in our own little boxes seems so strange to me. My friend and I joke about the cave that we're going to move into, where we'll let our monkey babies play at our ankles while we cook and clean the day's fare.

I also appreciated how Monica declared "it's hard. no advice," even after her third child. I think that's exactly one of the reasons why this transition IS so hard for so many of us -- we only tell other people how "amazing it is to gaze into my baby's eyes!!," and so new mothers can be blindsided by the sheer volume of hard, hard work that the job requires. And then they end up like me, wondering if they're the only ones who must be doing it all wrong!

So, thank you for being honest about your experience and admitting that you feel wobbly sometimes. I'm chiming in with a hearty "me too."

At one particularly wobbly point, I discovered a book called "Mojo Mom" by Amy Tiemann. It's a message of empowerment and a reminder to refocus on your own personal growth and development while tackling the demands of being a caregiver. I suspect you'd like it.

My mom and I just received our Superhero necklaces and we have never been more fabulous. Thank you!

I know at least for me, it got easier after that first year. It got easier to take my daughter *with* me, and it also got easier for me to go places without her, leaving her with my husband. Once sleep wasn't so much of an issue, and she was in bed by 7:30, I really could spend a few hours out with friends and get a good night's sleep. The other thing about the first year, for me? It went so. incredibly. fast. But I really do remember thinking, sometime around 13 or 14 months after she was born - "Hey! I'm starting to feel like me as a separate person again; I'm starting to feel more like the old me!"

The job of parenting (from my perch here as mother of a 3 year old, so obviously I have a lot to learn) gets harder in a lot of ways, of course, as your child gets older. I'm not sure when that gets easier. But the job of hanging onto your SELF, and figuring out what you want, and being willing to step out occasionally and do some things that are just for you and have nothing to do with your child - well, I think that gets easier.

Good luck with all of your friendships, the new and old, and with everything else, too.

lovely writing. xo.

It think the fact that you are making changes because of your baby is proof you are an excellent mother. It's not about us anymore.....it's all about the baby.......as it should be.
I had a struggling transition into Motherhood. People expect you to be the same person you were before.......but I wasn't and I was OK with that. But they weren't OK with it. Oh well.....moved on.

I love that snuggle photo. Amazing photos of that little beauty.

oh lady, you know how to hit the nail on the head. i am in week 5 of mothering twins and i am delighted to be their mom, but at times i realize how very different it is, my life, my time, my day, my heart. i would not change a moment of it but it is so different. and those quick outings, those leisurely nights out, well, of course i knew they would be gone, but they really are gone. they have been replaced by long sessions of staring at their faces or stroking a hand that i marvel at, a very satisfying thing indeed. i am trying to gather my mom crowd too, it seems like that is who i belong with. most others are not really interested in feeds, reflux and the different ways people choose to parent. i am not a wise one, but i am an empathetic one. ahh, the nap, theirs is coming to a close and it is time for their 5 o'clock feed. nice to visit though. smiles.

I have no wise words and I'm not a mother, but I too am in a strange kind of isolation. New town, working from home, all my old friends are elsewhere. It feels very otherworldly and unreal - pleasant in some ways and extremely uncomfortable in others. I'm hoping to find balance. Reading your journal helps :).

Motherhood is the biggest adjustment in life, isn't it? I have found that the more I let go and surrender, the more at peace I feel. I used to cry every night before I slept because I knew I would be up every 2 hours to feed. You begin a new journey with your first child. It never turns out how you imagine! But in my experience, it just gets better and better. And you do adjust to the changes and you meet new people and some old friends fade away for whatever reason. I used to fight all the little changes, or at least they would weigh heavy on my mind. Isn't it harder than you thought? It was for me. You should give yourself more credit, you are pretty seasoned by now, not so wobbly I bet. Just know you are not alone - and it does get so much easier and even more fun. You are learning what we all learn and that is that a lot of Mothering is learning to let go.. let go of old lives, old ways, old sleep patterns, tucking away tiny baby clothes as they grow so quickly.. I promise, it gets easier and easier with time.

Best wishes, Paige

Yes. I agree.

No advice.

Babe #3 came along 10 months ago and I feel as though I'm doing it all again for the first time. It's hard.

i'm not a mother... i was just thinking this morning how much lonelier my life had become now that all my closest friends have become mothers.

[i miss the old you too! although i have absolute respect and admiration for who you're becoming]

Hi Andrea,
How a propos. I just self published (via a DIY site) a photography and text book I wrote that really talks about this huge transition. About how that day when your child enters your life, you too experience a birth of sorts. The title of my book is "Birth of a Mother." Motherhood is most certainly a place, a state of being. Becoming a mother IS a tremendously life changing/altering event. And in ways you never imagined. If you, or anyone else, is interested in my book, they can preview the first 15 pages of it at the following link:
http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/42782
I hope my balanced and realistic approach provides some insight for those in the early throes of this monumental transition!
Thank you for so honestly sharing your thoughts with all of us.
Pascale

You are my social time. As you know for some time now this is one of the places I go to step away from the life that consumes me. I love being a wife and mother. But it does feel lonely sometimes. The checkers at the grocery store get most of my “chat” time. Funny, when I have a chance to get a break I am so tired or I can’t wait to get back to my boys because I miss them. I truly miss being able sit in a coffee shop and sketch or read a book. My best friend and I have made it a point to leave the kids with the dad’s every six weeks or so and go to lunch and mosey around for an afternoon. It is so refreshing. I have never figured out how to enjoy quality time with other moms while all the kids are together. We are all too busy being moms to keep a conversation going. I find it exhausting.

Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart with us. You are not alone in your struggle to find balance with all of these new things.

I was recently out of state visiting my parents. My mom, my 8 month old, and I went to a park my parents took us to when we were kids to feed the ducks. I had to park the stroller for a minute to feed baby and my mom asked me, "So, is this what you imagined mother-hood to be like?" I looked at her and I said, "Yes. Actually, this...right here...(scaning the park, ducks, kids, playground, etc)...is ALL I thought it would be like." She laughed out loud, knowing full well what I meant.

I love my little monkey more than I ever thought I could love another human being. When I put him to bed at night, no matter how many times during the day I didn't think I would make it to bed time, I miss him and can't wait to see him in the morning!

Hey A

Just a comment about how self aware you are..... This transition too will pass eventually and you will be remembering fondly the "baby" days. I know you will find your newness of being and your footing, as you are strong and wise and connected.

I'm here anytime you need an email or two....

R/

Hi Andrea, there's a book you might enjoy (do you know of it?) called "A Life's Work," by Rachel Cusk. She talks a lot about the joy, frustration, and bewilderment (not always in that order) of being a new mom. It's pretty great. Several of my friends read it when they had new babies and loved it - one said it made her laugh and cry, "sometimes simultaneously" (that must have been before her daughter found her nap rhythm).

Thanks for the words - this avid reader relishes them!

I was really afraid of 'scheduling' our daughter and what that seemed to mean (not nursing on demand, not taking cues from her, etc.), however I have discovered the joys of having and keeping a schedule whose cadence is essentially hers. For example, having her nap at the same time every day, having an early bedtime and having a bed time ritual that as my mother puts it 'takes a long time'. I totally agree with everyone who said that you don't get it unless you're a parent ... for our family, I'm okay with having a quiet life because it means having a happy little girl in the mornings. Of course, what I really mean to say with all this is - the thing about new moms is that you'll never find a more understanding audience for your new obsessions with sleeping, eating, and growing. I've also found that though sometimes they are not the people that you would have found yourself with before they can be the most meaningful, wonderful, supportive friendships. Ones that literally and metaphorically pull you through the hard days.

Now that Esme is almost two, I find myself with a completely new set of mom friends because most of the ones that I first started out with went back to work after their year mat. leave was up. And that's the other thing about mom friends - they're always changing ... just like we are, I guess.

This is just one of the MANY things motherhood presents to you. It's a biggie too. I faced it, we all faced it. It's the one thing that really let's you know your comfort zone and, well, your temperament. If the baby getting fussy unnerves you, then outings to all kinds of places just make life way complicated...and not fun. There are people that are easy going about it all...they have easy going babies, they don't mind the hauling of all the stuff and the stretching of nap times and such. I was NOT one of those people. I needed structure. If I hadn't had it...time marked for me and for things that my life required of me outside of the mom thing...I would have cracked like an egg. I didn't not ever adjust well to trying to be the mom on the go and getting things done...or just taking the kid places. I wasn't and am not one of those moms. I was not and am still not a mom who takes the kids to restaurants without much hesitation. We did it at first...pushed against the difficulty of it, always ending with a feeling of complete and utter stress. Eventually we adjusted our way of viewing eating out and such. It was for special times, not just because we wanted to go and the kids would just have to deal or else. We still eat out...we just eat it out at home, lol. We go get it and enjoy it in the sanctity of our house, where they can throw food and yell and refuse to let us wipe their mouths...and we don't feel like the world is watching us wishing we'd never reproduced, lol.

I do it this way...thing I must get done...groceries, Walmart, drugstore, errands...well, I don't do them with the kids if I can avoid it. I don't think taking the baby everywhere does anything in particular for them. I mean what are they doing? They are sleeping or being fussy because it's too much stimulus or they just want to be cuddled. They aren't being socialized or exposed. Heck, they don't even know what's going on yet. I need that time to be non chaotic and unchallenging. I need it to be normal, ya know? So, I leave the kids home. And believe me, they are thankful at the ages of 5 and 2 1/2, because despite what some eager on the go moms might tell you, going to the grocery is not a fun thing for a small child, lol.

Then to get them out in the world, we do things either one on one or as a family that are fun for them...the park, the science museum, picking berries, going for walks. Things that are extras in life and can be savored because it is just for us to be out and about together.

Try not to make yourself go outside your comfort zone. Don't be a mom who feels pressured to be this or that, please. You may find that you don't gel as well with friends who are moms too now. Perhaps they are more laid back or into being on the go all the time. You are not a bad mother or uncool or whatever for not being that mom.

I'm a simple joy kind of mom. I am a mom who believes strongly that I am still a person beyond my motherhood and desire to have "ME" time, and time with my husband. And I don't feel guilty about it. I am a mother who does not really enjoy playing with her kids all the time. I do, but I don't do it in big chunks. It's just not me.

It's a hard adjustment becoming a mother. You do leave one kind of life and welcome another. And it can feel isolating. But the best thing you can do is recognize these feelings, like you have, acknowledge them and do what you did and ask other moms what they've experienced. There is not a right answer, there are just examples of many different views and choices.

And, in case it must be said...because it goes without saying as far as I'm concerned...nap times are sacred!!!! And I've scurried out of plenty of situations real quick to avoid the overtired pre-nap meltdown, believe me. Between that time and the more than heavenly, time for bed, nap times are what makes motherhood bearable for most of us, lol. I say, bask in them while they're awake, and enjoy them when they are asleep...or rather, enjoy yourself, lol.

Remember "yourself" still matters. That time is needed to refuel for the next shift...and the next...and the next.

Hey, btw, you're doing much better than me at this age with Ben. I didn't try a vacation until my first was nearly two!!! I couldn't have managed a vacation with her as a baby without having to be on medication, lol. Just trying to figure out how to get her there and back with all her stuff would have given me a twitch, lol.

I feel as though I just read an entry from my own journal. How strange that isolation can feel so unifying. What I have learned and continue to learn on a daily basis over the past 13 months of new motherhood is this...Surrender. Surrender to the moment, to the feeling, to the experience. And yes, to THE NAP. Thank you, Andrea, for sharing yourself through your blog. I enjoy and appreciate the eloquence and tenderness of your writing. And I love looking at Ben! BTW- I got a Superhero necklace as a "birthday" gift to celebrate my son's first year. I LOVE it!

ahhh but the nap time stage doesn't last for ever and soon you will have to fill that time with child entertaining and mommy sanity hour...and then you'll be ALL over town, diapers, sippy cups, and a good book in hand like the best of us!

I absolutely love this post. It addresses what I think all new moms go through. For me, I find it hard even two years later...my son is more outgoing then I am and will make friends much more quickly then I. I'm just thankful that I still work part time and have those friends to confide in. Thank you for the wonderful post and I might even try to read that book!

I absolutely love this post. It addresses what I think all new moms go through. For me, I find it hard even two years later...my son is more outgoing then I am and will make friends much more quickly then I. I'm just thankful that I still work part time and have those friends to confide in. Thank you for the wonderful post and I might even try to read that book!

I absolutely love this post. It addresses what I think all new moms go through. For me, I find it hard even two years later...my son is more outgoing then I am and will make friends much more quickly then I. I'm just thankful that I still work part time and have those friends to confide in. Thank you for the wonderful post and I might even try to read that book!

it's all new...and it keeps getting newer. in some ways (dare i say this) it gets easier, but it's a perpetual dance that keeps you on your toes.

xoxo

I can't say that I'm wise but I can say that I've been where you are. My daughter Hannah is now 15 months old. And even though I worked as a professional nanny for 5 years and as a teacher. I was not prepared the the intensity of motherhood. I don't think one can truly understand until you're a parent. The mind numbing tiredness, the monotony, or even how heart wrenching it is to hear your own baby cry.

The sanctity of the nap. Oh it is true, there are some babies who'll just fall asleep where ever they are with out much fuss. Mine was not that way and is still not that way. We have to do a nap/bedtime routine along with a dark room and a white noise machine and exacting nap/bedtimes. But with all that comes personal time everyday for me to do what I need during the day and at night. It's heavenly. And it's temporary. And it's worth it.

About your old life. I still mourn not being able to do what I want when I want to. Everything takes so much planning and it's not always what I want to do. I look back and see that I was a new person as soon as I became pregnant. Who I am keeps evolving. I'm more humble now, more broken, more aware of my short comings and with that I realize that I am more accepting, more forgiving and at peace with where my life is going because I've truly always wanted to be right where I am. I just didn't know it would be such a rough start.

I am not a mother, but a friend of a new mom. I have been feeling a bit left out of her world for a month and a half since her gorgeous baby made it's way into our lives. I am thrilled for her, there for her when she needs me...but feel a bit like I'm left out of the picture. It's selfish, I get it. But reading your post made me see that it's all new for her, and i have to be patient and wait for her - or some form of her - to return. And I will.

ah! i think we all think we will be that kind of mom. one who never falls prey, like the other moms do, especially when one is not yet with child.
until you have one to call your very own, you can't understand or even imagine.

i was the same. my baby is coming everywhere with me, i will take him around the world, parties, every activity in town.

the reality is, i am soooo tired. please nap, let me have 5 minutes for me. they don't understand.

dreams are filled with baby booties, soft coo's, loving looks, that baby smell...that perfect child. the child of our dreams.

the reality is much different!
being home for naps, sleepness nights, poop, the un-ending mess....and then they talk back and don't listen~ O motherhood...

thank goodness for the silver lining, for the love, for the tender eyes, for that nights sleep, for the 30 minute bbq, for the pedicure every 6 months, for those thighs. for wine!

but boy O boy it is a lot of work and ever life altering. nothing is and will never be the same!

time slips, friendships wane, life like it use to be seems on hold. but this is it...

i surely say motherhood is the hardest job of them all, i say it is worth at least 100k per year.

we have the title mommy forever. we are social negotiators, cooks, cleaners, love machines, teachers, judges, maids.

The new mom friends you are making now are going to be your soulmates for life. When you are all in the trenches as new moms, no one else gets it. (not even your husbands sometimes, and your moms are a different generation). It's just ya'll. Unfortunatly crisis is what will let you "go deeper" with these friends...illness, robbery, roaches, motorcycle accidents, power outages (can you tell I live in NYC?), is what will break down those polite barriers and let you dig in with your nails and help each other....and you must and you will and you will never forget those moms-they are your friends for life.

Phones are good. When in need, call that friend...that's how I have kept many friendships alive and kicking...

The new mom friends you are making now are going to be your soulmates for life. When you are all in the trenches as new moms, no one else gets it. (not even your husbands sometimes, and your moms are a different generation). It's just ya'll. Unfortunatly crisis is what will let you "go deeper" with these friends...illness, robbery, roaches, motorcycle accidents, power outages (can you tell I live in NYC?), is what will break down those polite barriers and let you dig in with your nails and help each other....and you must and you will and you will never forget those moms-they are your friends for life.

Phones are good. When in need, call that friend...that's how I have kept many friendships alive and kicking...

My little one is 10 months ... and I'm forwarding this link to all of my friends. Amen, sister. Until you've been there, you don't know. :)

Also, I work-outside-home, so I keep my little one up later in the evening. Purely selfish reasons, so I can feed her dinner, nurse her, tuck her in to bed. 2 naps won't dwindle in these parts for a WHILE 'cause she still needs 12-14 hours of sleep per day [only 10 at night].

It gets more like what you pictured once they're down to one nap a day (this was at about 12 months for our boy). Then you have hours of time to work with before the rush home. It's easier then to go to a museum and have a quick lunch before going home. And it certainly is a brave new world with a newborn. It is perhaps a time of sorting out all what matters with what doesn't, so that when you are able to fit a trip in somewhere as the naps decrease, you will know exactly what you want to do most. For me, it was trips to the farmer's market, library, art museum, and coffeeshop that I missed most and that quickly reappeared in our days once the 3-naps a day dwindled to 2 and then 1.

I've been following your blog for awhile. But I just felt compelled to let you know how much I appreciate what you share about your new place in Motherhood-land. I am preparing myself for the possibility of taking that leap and it is refreshing and encouraging to hear your honesty with all the good stuff and all the tired stuff. I do think in my mind that I'll be the mom who carries the baby all over the place into town, into the city, but the realities are much different. Ben is soo cute by the way. I love all his little hats! Best to you and yours.