July 14, 2007Ask for what you want
The message "Ask for what you want" has been coming up a lot in my life lately. (Author and coach Mike Robbins wrote a wonderful piece about this in his latest newsletter. Truly inspiring!) Isn't it easy to complain about what we don't have? Sometimes the solution is as easy as making a request and yet we often choose complaining over and over again about the same things... "I never have time for myself. I never get to go to my dance class. I don't even have time to be sick! I never get to see my friends..." These are some of the things I have been complaining about lately. At some point I stopped myself and said, "Okay girl. You've been doing a lot of complaining. What do you need to request?" (BTW, I probably said this out loud because since I had Ben I talk to myself in public ALL THE TIME) I decided that the first request I needed to make was for Matt to watch Ben during my Nia class. I was surprised at how easy this was to arrange. Matt said, "Okay. I'll work from home on Fridays and watch Ben during the class." Easy as that. I now get to dance every week! (and I don't get to complain about it anymore) My next request seemed a bit more challenging: So here's the crazy part. He slept for ELEVEN hours straight. Eleven hours people! I couldn't believe it. I checked to make sure he was breathing around 4AM in total disbelief. If there is anything I've learned so far as a parent, it's to not get attached to any of it, good or bad. It will surely change. But a girl can hope, right? I've also been learning to make requests, to ask for what I want, even to tiny humans who don't speak english. Posted on July 14, 2007 08:18 PMComments
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I am so glad you are getting to your dance class! I know how great that feels. (I just found out that the Y near my house does unlimited childcare for $40 a month so I can swim or do yoga every day. This makes me very happy!) Anyway, please excuse the unsolicited advice which you probably already have heard (and hopefully will never again need), but I have been struck by how much sleeping and eating seem to be interconnected for babies in my own and some of my friends' experiences. for instance, my friend Amy's baby Courtney did not sleep through the night until, when the baby was four months, Amy had to go to a wedding and left her daughter with her parents for the night. Turned out that Courtney drank almost an entire 8 oz. bottle of breast milk and slept soundly for nine hours--the first time ever! Juniper, my daughter, usually sleeps eight hours straight (she's almost seven weeks) when I give her an extra feeding right before bedtime (if I skip this, she only sleeps five hours). Of course, this may be specific to two very particular babies, but I've also observed the opposite: babies who don't eat much at night wake up more often (however, in at least one case, the parents can't entice the baby to eat more, so there's not much to be done). Sounds like Ben is sleeping well simply from your request, which is so wonderful, but I thought I'd mention this anyway. Enjoy Nia! Posted by: Leila at July 24, 2007 09:50 AMI loved this, Andrea - I will try it TONIGHT with our wee one! Posted by: Carole at July 23, 2007 03:04 PMBaby whisperer They do understand, more than we beleive. My baby did the same thing. He is 15 now. Ask for what you want and when it comes to you embrace it. It is not wishful thinking nor a fluke, it is a true reality. Posted by: tongue in cheek at July 23, 2007 02:09 PMI've read about this in Anthony Robbins book. I had a similar experience when my daughter was five days old. Up to that point nursing was a two person job. The night before my husband went back to work, I said to her "OK, love, we have to get this nursing thing down. Daddy's going back to work tomorrow and I need us to do it on our own." And just like that it was handled. Thanks for reminding me the power of a request. Posted by: Jodie at July 16, 2007 08:22 PMAndrea! Thanks for this. Last week I heard or read somewhere that "a complaint is an unarticulated request." Sounds like you're taking that to heart in spades, empowering yourself through requesting vs. complaining, and you are being rewarded in spades! Very glad for it and you, and for how you're emerging these past many months, sharing how you're integrating pre-Ben you with post-Ben you and how the world looks the same, different, and how you're creating much of that! You are inspiring! Love from the East coast, This is absolutely awesome. My boyfriend and I just talked about this. No one knows what you want unless you make it known. Posted by: Mareshia at July 16, 2007 10:55 AMThank you so much for this little reminder... It's all just SO true. I think it's all in how you do the asking as well. People respond well to calm and rational needs. Asking with resentment behind it, won't produce the results. I want to move to California. All I have to do is ask the universe for it's prayers and then do the work to make it happen. And stop worrying about the unknowns. Little Ben is such a sweetie... Posted by: jill at July 16, 2007 09:02 AMWow, thank you for sharing! I had an Ah Hah! moment while reading your post. I set high expectations for myself and it is easy for me to get caught up in Life's Schedule, I forget I am able to "Ask for what you want," thank you for the reminder. You have touched my life today and made me smile :) Posted by: M at July 16, 2007 08:52 AMIt's a funny you would write about asking for what you want, just yesterday I had decided to do that very thing! Nothing elaborate, just taking time and a bit of extra cash to take better care of my health without the guilt us moms usually have over spending cash you know could go for something else. Not saying it was easy, but I have to take care of myself first so I'll be here and healthy to take care of the munchkins. Posted by: Lori at July 16, 2007 06:31 AMI think the lesson you described at the end is one that can be applied to so much of life. Don't get too attached to our opinions, complaints, fear, anger, parenting strategies, even people. Things change. People change. Life is contstantly changing. What works today may not work tomorrow. What I'm learning is this: when in doubt, speak rationally to the woman in the mirror. Ask for what I need and want. And always keep the faith. Hold onto hope. Keep the peace - with myself and with those I know and love. Live, laugh, love. The rest of it, not worth getting too attached to. Not at all. Thanks for sharing your stories and photos. It seems that your gene of inspiration has been passed on to little Ben! Congratulations! Posted by: XiG at July 15, 2007 11:03 PMAh, yes, but they are starting to *understand* English, or at least what our faces are saying I think. That's so cool! I am such a believer in this and I am so glad you wrote about it. Put it out there and the universe will bring it back to you, seriously. You were blessed to see it instantly!!! Wow!!!! I"m right there with you - Babies speak every language, but especially Love :-) Posted by: reach.dabble.shine at July 15, 2007 04:39 PMWe just spent the weekend with family who has a preschooler and a new baby. The mom noticed how straightforward my husband and I are with each other, and I said, "because we've learned to ask for what we want." :) It can only bring good! Wonderful news on getting more sleep! Clearly Ben is a super-genius. ♥ Posted by: french toast girl at July 15, 2007 03:13 PMIt's the "ah-ha" moment of new parenthood that you just had, lol. Once the shock of the initial bit wears off, you start to think..."Hey, I can't possibly keep up at this pace or else I'll go crazy...I do have rights to exist as my own person, don't I?" The answer, of course, is an astounding YES. Not only do you, but you must in order to be the well rounded person you want to show your child. When you're happy, he's happy...not YOU make him happy, meaning you give and give in order to fulfill his happiness. Because we all know that never works no matter if the person is 30iches tall or six feet tall. Just as he will one day discover that he can't spend all his time with you...that other things make him happy and bring him fulfillment, you are the same. You will want it for him. And, despite how it might seem at times as a mother, he truly will want the same for you. I remember when I realized I had to do other things besides being a mother. It was at around a year. A friend asked me to go out and I felt trepidation. I just wasn't sure I should go. Not because I felt unsafe to leave Sarah, but because I thought she'd feel abandoned...rejected in some way because I wanted to be somewhere other than with her...enjoying myself, God forbid, lol. I did go, at the urging from all my family (who knew I was going to crack like a nut soon if I didn't stop being so wound up about my child). I had a good time. I missed my child a bit, just enough to make me really enjoy seeing her when I got home. I was happy and she knew it the moment I came in the door. She fed off it. And for many days afterwards I was renewed in my role of stay at home mom. But the real key here was that when I felt the urge to do for myself the next time, I didn't have that pang of guilt and hesitation. And that is when I realized motherhood did not come with me abandoning myself completely, a fact that has to be learned and honed. Way to go mom! And remember to NEVER hesitate asking your husband for help with Ben. In fact, he, like many fathers, probably quietly wishes he had more time alone with him. Us moms tend to hover too much around the dads when they have the kids. That was another lightbulb moment for me that came eventually too. I'm sure my husband sometimes wishes I hadn't had that epiphany, lol! Posted by: amy j. at July 15, 2007 10:28 AMI'm in shock! What do you mean it was the first time you had spoken to Ben in a rational, adult tone? That is so funny. My friends used to give out to me because I speak to all babies and children in the same rational, adult tone I use for conversations with adults. They can't understand why I do that. I can't understand why they speak to babies and children in gibberish!! :-) I think the benefit of speaking to them as someone on your level is not something to be underestimated. They understand way more than you think they do! The added bonus of never inventing "baby" words is that you never have to then teach them the "grown up" words for all the words you invented. Why double your workload? :-) Posted by: lauraIf y at July 15, 2007 09:32 AMwonderful and incredible! may I request updates? Posted by: deezee at July 15, 2007 09:12 AMonce, when i was starting a new job, a neighbor lent me a book called women don't ask: http://www.amazon.com/Women-Dont-Ask-Negotiation-Strategies/dp/0553383876/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/105-1441760-8138026?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1184510055&sr=8-1. the point of the book is that women are paid 70% of what men make - not because bosses don't believe in their women employees - but because men simply ASK their bosses for more money, and women do not. the book explores the cost to women of not asking for what they deserve. i highly recommend it! Posted by: kathryn at July 15, 2007 07:40 AMWow! That is great. Maybe I'll have a little talk with Liam tonight. It's not the feedings that I mind, it's the hour and a half after that when he just doesn't want to go back to sleep... When my child was very young, I asked him to help me like you did, and he helped me every time I did!! Love you all you are an, as always, an inspiration. Posted by: wendy at July 15, 2007 04:17 AMI love it! Less complaining and more requesting really couldn't hurt... And hooray for the sleep marathon! Posted by: Anna at July 15, 2007 12:02 AMpure magic--this is big and happy news! Holy cow. How your little one inspires people! Posted by: susan at July 14, 2007 09:27 PMthanks for the reminder. I've been getting really bitter lately- why don't I have this or that, and why am I not like this or that. First of all I have to ASK, it's so much easier to complain and gripe to friends. Also, I am only in "control" of certain things. I can control my attitude and choices, and need to step between my heart and head and runaway emotions at times. or lots of times... Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to be reminded of at this moment. Oh and seven months is exactly when I hit the end of my rope with the sleeplessness with my daughter, we had a similar chat a few nights in a row and by the end of the week, with a little tweaking of her schedule we were having 12 hr. nights on a regular basis...now at 17 months she is a champion sleeper who consistently gives me 12 hr. nights, it is wonderful...now if I could just get my butt in bed early enough to utilize all those precious hours! Hope your little guy keeps it up! Posted by: Summer at July 14, 2007 08:44 PMOOOHHH I am the first to comment! Love this one, Andrea and couldn't agree with you more! I can't believe he slept for ELEVEN HOURS. That rocks it! Enjoy... Thinking of you always! Posted by: Michelle Andre at July 14, 2007 08:42 PM |