Relax my dear...your little elf is just an amateur himself. So if your hands so newly filled with tasks seem somewhat less than skilled...Relax, I say, this little pinkling doesn't have the slightest inkling that you are new to baby lore --- he never had a mom before. --author unknown

these words got me through some of the toughest moments during the first year or so of being a mom.

still to this day, with kids 4 and 7, i still have many moments of feeling inadequate. just part of the job description, i suppose.

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Wow - I was glad to see I am not the only one who feels this way . I think that there is so much societal pressure now to be perfect, have perfect kids. I work full time (by financial necessity, and not at some fantastically cool job either), in a place where I am the ONLY full time working Mom of little kids I know. I feel like I am automatically starting out as a failure because of this and am clearly so much more incompetant than all of the stay at home moms, all of whom no doubt spend their entire days in deeply meaningful interactions with their children, baking homemade bread, knitting them hip sweaters... I know logically this can't all be true... but it looks like it. I read somewhere that the most important thing really is that you love your kids, the rest is the frosting - I think this is true.

I think so. Becoming a new mother made me feel utterly inadequate and absolutely humiliated. My breastfeeding difficulties combined with my son's "failure to thrive" probably jump-started all of that.

He's four now, and I'm not a perfect mother. But I'm a damn good one. And for (it seems like) a long time, I couldn't imagine ever thinking that about myself, even though other people said it all the time.

I feel like this pretty much every day... many many times every day...

I have three kids, a 5 yr old, a 3 yr old, and a 2 yr old... Can I tell you that come 7:00 at night I feel like my head is going to start spinning off my neck. Each child is so different. They are each so wonderful and amazing, and also mischievous and just I don't know... kids. I see the other mothers who have all their kids all perfectly behaved, they will eat normal food like chicken and vegetables without complaint... they will NOT dart out into the street just to see their mother's heart stop... They don't punch each other just for fun. Yeah... I envy those other mom's... I often feel like maybe if I did something differently... but really when all is said and done, no matter what it is all worth it. I love them completely and totally and without reserve... so even when they are crazy and hard to manage, I am just so thankful to have them.

~Georgia

I just wanted to say thanks for writing this. On my first follow up visit with my doctor (this was almost 6 months ago) I started crying when my nurse asked how I was feeling. I told her that EVERYONE was better with my daughter than I was. I felt totally incompetent. I'm feeling much better/more normal now, but I still feel incompetent much of the time. If it's any consolation, my best friend (who is the most wonderful mother in the world) says it's a sign of being a great parent - you're just pushing yourself so much to do what's best for this precious little person.

Aha. You're one of us.

Dear Andrea,

I have two children now, and I feel incompetancy most often with our oldest, who is 2 - simply because as he grows, it's with him that I have all the "firsts." The first feeding of solids, the first party-stopping tantrum at a friend's house, etc. - "good" and "bad." I put those words in parantheses because realizing my high learning curve as a parent or my limitations has not been a bad thing. It's even challenged me to try more things I assume I'll be bad at - like swimming lessons, or baking a homemade fruit pie. So as I've been learning more about who my children are, I've also been learning more about who I am - and what I am or am not able or willing to do. We often go out for errands, playdates, a library storytime, a visit to a botanical garden, etc. - but sometimes I will choose to limit what we do because I know my limits on a given day. Yesterday my husband suggested that I take our kids to Target to return some items, and I just happen to know that 1) Our son would be interested in a toy at Target thanks to the checkout stand setup; and 2) Our son has a hard time with me giving items to people (like books at the library - it's taken some time for him to be okay with that, for whatever reason). And I just didn't have it in me to deal with that yesterday morning. So we stayed home, built towers with blocks, plunked around on the piano, and so on. All this is to say - we work with what we have, we will learn a ton, but we also have a lot of choices and the ability to bless the socks off of our children with the simple gift of our presence and our love. And obviously, Ben's got it darn good, I must add. :)

my mom had never held a baby until I came along! she has shared with me some of the same feelings you are describing. she said that she followed her instincts and once she let go of the fear of "not doing it right", she connected and communicated with me on a level only a mother can do with her child. you are a fantabulous mama, never doubt that.

Hi Andrea (and all you lovely Superheroes out there!),

* Apologies, I posted this under the following day's post! I am clearly a novice when it comes to this blog-commenting thing! *

Just wanted to share that I thought about Thursday's post -- and the comments it generated -- while I was walking home from work that night...

... and it occured to me: who would want a mother who thought she was perfect? Who didn't have the capacity for self-reflection? Who wasn't open to growing and learning from the process?

How many of us have been blessed with a mother who continually engages with her own flaws and shortcomings -- and ours -- and dares to love us and her self anyway?

I wholeheartedly agree with all the wise souls who wrote in yesterday: love is what you are giving your child. Your little boy will appreciate your capacity to question and challenge your self as he grows into his own story and wonders at his own marvellous imperfections.

As always, thank you for sharing. Thank you for being open to receiving too.

x

Yeah.. don't give up. I'm not a parent, but I've sat back and watched with awe as friends and relatives have had their kids and how it sometimes really seems as though you've invited this being into your life for the sole purpose to shine a light upon all of your undiscovered weaknesses. Parents are BRAVE. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to become one... but until that day you should know I'm sitting out here hitting your blog and admiring your honesty, courage, and creativity... not to mention your amazing spirit. Take a deep breath ~ you're doing a wonderful job.
:)

Don't give up! I KNOW you KNOW you are WAY better than any babysitter! Keep it up SuperHero!

Well, I'll tell ya, I only have the one kid-and we're only two years into this whole thing-but I think it's pretty universal. For me, it started when my boy was three hours old: the nurse rolled him into my room and said "OK, he's going to need to eat soon"...and walked away. That was the first glimpse into the mild (um, not so mild, in that case) panic that accompanies every new trial, and also the feeling that I was lacking the instincts required for successful mothering. Do you know what I've discovered, though? It's going to be alright. We are not all born knowing this stuff, but that doesn't mean that we can't learn! It's a process. Nobody could possibly be a better mother to your child than you. Everything is so emotionally loaded, isn't it? If someone else can get the baby to stop crying when you couldn't, it's more of a slap in the face than a relief sometimes. "I don't even know my own baby. Wait - maybe he just doesn't like me! That's it!" Don't forget, though, that it's much easier sometimes to step in and fix someone else's problem, especially when you haven't been steeped in it for hours upon sleepless hours.

Sorry to turn this into an epistle; my reassurance tends to come in the form of quantity over quality. :)

Hell, my kids are 2 and 5 and I still feel like I'm getting everything wrong. On top of that, I feel like a lousy wife, friend, colleague, workerbee, sister, daughter, etc. But after comparing notes with others, even those who don't work 60+ hours a week (let's talk about mommy guilt, shall we?), EVERYBODY feels like a failure. There's just way too much pressure to be perfect these days. And ya know what? No such thing. But it does get easier (well, sort of). The key is connecting with other madres so you know you're not alone!

Hi Andrea

I've been away and am still on the road but I wondered if you feel incompetent at everything or if there are specific situation/skills/needs that you feel badly about?

When I get a case of the mom guilts it is usually because I feel like I'm not giving my all to the situation.....Everyone's comments are so different. I wondered if you could be more specific to you?

Hugs and more hugs.

R/

I'm sure you have gotten plenty of advice already...just know you are not the only one holding yourself to high expectations, it's easier if you let some of those expectations go, and phases come and go for you and baby, it is always changing into something new, different, wonderful or difficult.

Be easy on yourself ;)

A friend of mine recently admitted to feeling a huge pang of jealousy every time she saw a mother spending a happy moment with their child; pushing her on a swing, holding his hand as he crossed the street, reading a book together in the corner of the library... My friend would make these split second judgement calls, based on a smile or the sound of laughter, that this unknown mother must be way better at the job than she was. My friend is an incredibly dedicated mother of five and a talented artist. She has spent countless hours with her children, reading, holding hands, smiling and laughing. But like all of us she has moments where it all seems out of control, where she resents her children infringing on her space, where she yells or slams a door when she really needs to maintain her composure. For me, her admission was a big sigh of relief and a reminder that we all have moments where we feel like anybody else could do a better job than we could. Thankyou Andrea, for continuing your blog amidst the throes of new motherhood. It is a beautiful window into your world.

Clearly from all these comments you now know you are not alone! I am delurking to tell you from my own experiece that you are not alone in your feelings. Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs I have ever done. I have high expectations on myself to do everything right and when I am feeling overwhlemed, tired, angry, less than perfect my self esteem plummets. I made a decision with my husband to stay at home with my children until they were ready for school. I lost myself completely I spent the first few years tring to find my backbone and learning to stand on my own again but as a mother, it changed everything. When I finally got a hang of being a parent my children were ready for school! That was this year, the time has gone quickly and I am slowly treating myself with care and digity because I deserve it. I had to get out of baby mode and stop berating myself, friends, yoga, and even a few therapy sessions helped free my soul. I am not aiming for perfection anymore. What I would like to tell you is to give yourself a break, your expectations might be suffocating you. It is ok to feel the way you do just be kind to yourself, you deserve it. If one thing doesn't work with your child then you find another solution, if you can't find it on your own you ask for help because you are worth it!

My son just turned 6 in May and I still have moments of absolute hysteria over my incompetency. I work full time and I feel guilty about this all the time. Because I work full time and I am trying to start a t-shirt design business on the side when I don't get time to do this I feel angry because I don't have any me time. Then I feel guilty because then I feel that my "free" time should be spent with my son. My husband doesn't even figure in this any more much to his chagrin. It is a vicious circle. The only me time I get is at my computer. Whether you child is newborn, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6....it never ends. I once read that when you become a mother you start wearing your heart outside your body, I think the same can be said about your brain.

OMG Yes! I feel incompetent at least once a day. But as someone else said, I think it comes from being overwhelmed. What other job involves being completely responsible for a constantly changing, irrational, noisy, fussy, wonderful, perfect little person? And we do it with no real training! I find I feel most incompetent when I am trying to control my 16mth son too much - my rational brain thinks that he should be doing things a certain way, but when he doesn't want to do it that way and fights against me, then I get worked up and everything goes pear shaped! Then I angst over why I seem to do everything wrong. The times when I go with the flow, relax and go with my heart more than my head everything seems easier. Problem is, I usually realise this after the event.

Sometimes I look at my friends who are mums and they seem to have it all together. But every now and then they crack a little and I get to see the reality of their life and they aren't supermums, they are doing it just as tough as me.

It seems that the sitter does it better but it's just that they do it differently. They don't have their whole heart invested in this little person like a mum does and I think that that makes it easier. They just do what they think needs doing, they don't worry about whether it's going to emotionally scar the child like we do!

Sometimes I read your posts and I wonder if you are in my head, living my life because you express exactly how I feel about this parenting thing. It makes me feel a bit better to know that someone else is struggling with the same things. I hope it helps you to know that too.

Dear Andrea,
I feel so grateful to have found your blog and website. It was actually so weird how I found it and the timing for me was a gift from the universe.
I am also an artist and a first time mommy. My son Samuel Benjamin (A.K.A. Sammy B.) was born in November of 06' so he is very close to Ben's age. I have also felt incompetent and nervous and scared since the day I gave birth to him. I waited so long to have a baby so that I could be the very best mom, so that I could essentially nurture myself and raise myself the way I wished I had been so that my cup would be full when I was ready to bring a new life into this world. I had no clue it would be this hard and scary. I do know that my husband and I have all the beauty and unconditional love to give Sam (that is what every child needs and deserves)and that is really all that matters. That is clearly what you and your husband give Ben, that's clear from your writing and your art.
It's all a huge transition, my mantra is that these feelings are normal, it's in my nature to worry, *of course I feel this way* this is the hardest job in the world! It's the stress of completely and utterly being responsible for another human beings survival and well-being, what could be harder???
I agree with what so many others said you know you are doing a good job because you are aware enough to actually ask this question and honestly share your true feelings! That's a Superhero.
Here's what I am trying to do now . . .When things get tough *breath*, be in the moment, and then let it be. Trust that you know what to do and when you really don't know the answer then trust that you know the right questions to ask because, obviously you do:)

Peace,
Leia

I laugh now, but I remember feeling the same way. A fish out of water. But one day when my son was about 9mo old, and still feeling completly overwhelmed, I was passing a new mom in a parking lot and she saw me with my son and asked ME to help her with her stroller......ME! She told me I looked so confident...like I knew what I was doing. We both had a good laugh, but she sure made my day. She also gave me a new perspective on motherhood. We do the best we can and it's usually just right for our babies. It's just letting go of alot of "pre-baby" life habits.
You're going great, even if it doesn't feel like it all the time.

My daughter is nearly 9 and a half years old now, and at least once a day I still feel incompetant.
At each stage of her growth I have wondered...Am I giving her all the time I should? Could I be feeding her better? Am I too protective? should I let her makes more decisions on her own? etc... etc...
What it all comes down to is this...I know I am doing the best I can.
Some days are awesome.
Some days suck.
I worry that because I do it all as a single mom, that I can't give her as much in time and material things as other mom's who have a supportive partner, (and a second income)
But I love my daughter with all that is in me, and I tell her so every day.
I praise and encourage her, and tell her that she is beautiful and can grow up to be whatever she dreams of.
From what I read from you my dear Andrea, you seem to be doing a wonderful job.
Ben was a long awaited dream for you and Matt, and you two seem to be so loving and supportive of each other.
No one could love him more than you guys do, and he looks like such a happy and joyous baby in all the photos. So you must be doing something right.
Once when I was having a terrible day and doubting myself someone very wise told me. "Honey, there can be no testimony without a test."
It seems to me my dear Andrea that you have already had some tests with motherhood, but you are passing them all with flying colors!
You are a GREAT MOM!
Never forget that.
Blessings to you.
Julia

i think you should substitute the word incompetent with overwhelmed....much much much more accurate.....we've all been there....and that feeling comes and goes.....hang in there...j

i think you should substitute the word incompetent with overwhelmed....much much much more accurate.....we've all been there....and that feeling comes and goes.....hang in there...j

When I was pregnant with Zoe, everyone would go on and on about what a great mom I was going to be; what wonderful parents Daniel and I were. I wanted to ask them how they knew. What made them so sure?

Once Zoe got here, I was at a loss. I felt horrible because I didn't feel like I was good enough to have her. I felt like I'd gone on this fertility journey, had a successful IUI and didn't deserve the gift we'd been given because I wasn't mom of the year. I still struggle with it, but the only one I tell is my husband. I feel like no one wants to hear me vent. No one wants to hear that I question myself. I worry people will think I'm not grateful (I am SO grateful!).

Deep down I know I'm a good mom to Zoe - even when she wasn't latching correctly and I wanted to give up on breastfeeding. Even when she cries and I don't know how to fix it or how to get her to sleep. I try to focus on our family instead of what everyone else is doing, but it's hard. It's comforting to know that someone I admire so much feels the same sometimes.

Hugs!

I feel incompetent a dozen times, all before breakfast (that's a loose quote from Alice in Wonderland, my apologies to Lewis Carrol...)

Really, it's hard being the mom. But it helps me to remember that my kids are totally incompetent too, we all are really, and that we just do the best we can, as we can. We say I'll try better. We say sorry a lot, too, and also I love you. I love you makes up for a lot of parenting mistakes, in my book.

Honestly, no, I don't remember feeling this way -- but it's probably only because my expectations were so low. I was the one who didn't want kids because I thought I'd totally suck at parenting. To find that I *did* suck was no surprise; the surprise was that I could do anything right at all! (who knew? :)

Although I still think I suck at parenting sometimes, I'm getting better at it overall, and I'm glad I got talked into having a kid.

Andrea,
it's sort of bizarre but I had almost a parallel [or is it an opposite?]question that I posted yesterday. I actually gave you props in the piece for being my touch stone on this issue of children.

potentially it could be a conversation to have with your non mom readers.

funny enough my fears of not being good enough is what sort of lead the question in the first place.

there is no easy answer to any of it...guess that's why the whole thing is called a journey.

Andrea,
it's sort of bizarre but I had almost a parallel [or is it an opposite?]question that I posted yesterday. I actually gave you props in the piece for being my touch stone on this issue of children.

potentially it could be a conversation to have with your non mom readers.

funny enough my fears of not being good enough is what sort of lead the question in the first place.

there is no easy answer to any of it...guess that's why the whole thing is called a journey.

hmm... I have 2 kids (5 and 2) and although I didn't feel often like a bad mom with babies, with my eldest I often feel like I'm a total failure and cry about it to my man. But then I tell myself... you messed up, you could have done it diferently, you might not know what you're doing, but dang it, overall, you're not too shoddy a mom! And then I repeat it like a mantra *grin* "you're not too shoddy..." :)

yes, sweet little mama, most mothers feel like they are ruining thier children in one way or another. I keep wondering what they are going to complain about when they are 30. or when they have thier own children they will say, "my mom did this and I couldn't stand it. so I'M going to do THIS instead."

we all have strengths and weaknesses and if there's one way to make our weaknesses into strengths faster, it is to become a parent who is trying to be a good parent.

little ben was sent to YOU for a reason.

he has all his limbs still? hasn't been left somewhere or beaten or worse? he's fed when hungry, warmed when cold, washed when dirty? he gets hugs and kisses and told he's loved?

consider yourself competent. a lot of mothers can't even manage the above basics. (it's all about perspective, you know. if you're comparing yourself to some imaginary super-mom, you're destined to feel incompetent. if you compare yourself to the real world, the fact that you're asking is sign that you're competent enough.)

YES!!!!! Mine are babies anymore and I still have moments of someone doing a better job than me. When start to think like that. Look at Ben and ask yourself: Would he honestly be this happy with anyone else? The answer is HELL NO! Our children love us unconditionally even when we are not at our best. He is your first child and you will not do everything perfectly. Thank God for that. Perfect parents suck!

I really haven't read any of the posts here except for Meg's below, and I agree. I wonder if that sort of ties into this idea that I have that when you're single (or even married), you're just responsible for yourself and maybe another reasonbly intelligent adult. When a baby comes into the mixture, they have no one and nothing to take care of them but you, and that's a whole new concept for both you and the baby....

I'm not a Mom, but I have spent tons of time babysitting and interacting with other peoples kids, and I just want to reassure you that babysitters don't know more then you. When I babysit or watch my friends kids, they normally act like wonderful little angels... not because I'm so awesome, but because I'm new, and I'm not Mommy, so they are on their very best behavior for me (they want me to be impressed with them). Also, I'm able to put in tons more energy then Mom because for me it's a sprint - three or four hours and I'm done, and I can nap. For you Moms it a (life long) marathon. No matter how good I am with my friends kids, I have nothing but awe and respect for the fact that they wake up at 6 am for years and years, to be up with their kid. Not to mention everything else you all do. So, there is some encouragement from another perspective.

Someone told me once that no parent can click in with their child throughout all age groups. There will be phases with your child where you're in the groove together and other times where the two of you are out of sync. I found that very helpful for me. Each phase feels like it'll never end, but they do. Up and down it flows.

I'm also a great believer in A Happy Mom is The Best Mom to Have. If you get the inner call to take on some more work, you'll both benefit. Other times, you'll be glued to each other and loving it. It's all good. Doesn't matter one bit what anyone else says or does. Inner contentment is key and you do what you need to do to get it.

Haven't read any of the other comments, so not sure if it's already been said, but here goes...

How does anyone adjust to changes that occur almost every day...and stay confident?? I don't know, I wish I did because it would have made these past 2 1/2 yrs of my daughter's life alot easier! Know at the end of the day, you've done your damned best...you've done it out of love and obligation and tenacity. Be proud of what you've already accomplished, forget the rest (because really how important is it??)...and know that you are one of many, many mothers, fathers, etc that feel the exact same thing, every single day. And speak about your doubts more...especially to your mom-community, so that you can feel relieved (and not ashamed) by letting it out...and guaranteed someone else will admit the same, and join you in that wholesom sigh of relief.

Lil *a not so smart mother who just breathed too*

I know it's not the same, but I feel this way when I'm teaching my students sometimes. The only solution I have found for it is just to do my damnedest to be the best person I can be for them (and for myself) every time I meet with them. I figure that I'm surely going to make mistakes, because that's how things work.

I have a hard time getting over the idea of incompetence when I'm writing, or trying to write, but with teaching--probably because it's so daily and I love it so much--I let the year-in, year-out nature of it help carry me past the days that aren't so good, back to the days that do go well.

My guess, too, is that if you didn't care so much, you'd *really* be incompetent, and you might not even know it.

Andrea,

You've just stepped into a whole new 24-hour-a-day job with huge responsibilities and a boss who can't tell you what to do or how to do anything, and you're supposed to figure all of it out without enough sleep for weeks on end. It's no wonder that you might find yourself feeling overwhelmed and not up to snuff.

I don't know whether or not you already know about the blog/community Ask Moxie (http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/). If you don't, please go take a look. Moxie and her community of commenters give compassionate, smart and realistic insights on parenting. They are so wonderfully supportive!

As both a custodial and a non-custodial parent, all I can tell you is that this feeling of incompetence never really goes away. Each new phase of your child's life will bring you to your knees with fear that you are not good enough. It's biological, I'm afraid. It's a built in guilt trip to ensure that we do our absolute best or die trying. The only way out of it is through it. Acknowledge it. Feel it. Then let someone who loves you give you a pep talk about the fact that your kid is still alive, smiles and gurgles, plays, laughs...

::hugs!::

Andrea,

The picture is pure poetry. And your comments well...they are more heartfelt and true than most have the courage and truth to write or say outloud. I have many times and truly still mirror internally what you've written. Incompetence...I have felt that I'm never doing/being/providing enough nuture, love and support for Christopher...that he deserves better than me...yet we aren't superhuman just superheroes always learning, evolving and growing. Trust that the path you're on is the journey you're meant to take and that you are enough contrary to the internal verbal demons that manifest within us. Ben is a beautiful spirit and I'm so profoundly grateful to have found your website and blog. This has been a gift on my many levels as I'm on a journey to have our second child. Ladies, all your posts are truly, truly touching, I have been close to tears many times this morning reading your anecdotes and observations. My good intention today is to send each of you affirmation of moments of peace and affirmed self worth.

My kids are 27, 9 and 6. This post reminded me of when my oldest was 16 and chose to sit me down and tell me all the mistakes I'd made as a mom over the years! It was nothing short of surreal and I wish I was kidding here! He began with the fact I was a teen mom and just went on and on for about an hour. I can laugh about it now, especially because he and his wife have a baby and call me often for advice. It's ironic that I often reassure him about being a parent, that it's the most difficult role to have and also the most rewarding, that he always needs to remind himself that he's doing his best and loves his son, and many other kind and heartfelt words. I don't know if he remembers our little talk back then (afraid to ask!), but I remember it well and am surprised I decided to have two more kids!

Sometimes I think being a writer and artist has blessed me with really thick skin and the ability to parent more with my heart than my head. I think if we weren't so emotionally attached we wouldn't have these moments of feeling incompetent. So if you feel incompetent, you know you're doing it right!

The mind stuff is the most tiring part of being a parent...the constant guilt, questioning every little decision, etc. etc. I too feel relieved when someone else takes over for a little bit. This sounds odd, but it gets lonely in your head.

Andrea, I can't answer your question but I have given you an award!

http://organisingtips.blogspot.com/2007/07/creative-me.html

Have a wonderful day :)

Andrea, I can't answer your question but I have given you an award!

http://organisingtips.blogspot.com/2007/07/creative-me.html

Have a wonderful day :)

My eldest is 17 now. Do I feel incompetent? Umm...YEAH! Almost every day. New challenges come and I feel stuck between having all the right answers...and having none.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Each day I begin with a clear mind thinking of how much I am going to give, teach, love, and remember my little boy...how much more than the day before. Yet, each night I go to bed feeling I didn't give it my all, regretting thinking how much I would love to have a sitter right now, feeling I didn't teach him enough, love on him enough, and feeling like I am failing him.

The worst part for me is at night...it is like I forget what he looks like, smells like, sounds like, feels like and I begin to miss him terribly! I have been going into his room a lot at night to look at him and remember. When I am in there gushing over his sleepy-head and apologizing for letting him down, I vow tomorrow will be a better day for mommy! Yet, each day ends the same. My two biggest fears are that I am not good enough for him and if I were ever to lose him, I wouldn't be able to remember.

Thank you for such an honest post and for letting me share. I don't think I have ever told anyone these things.

thank you for your honesty as always.
yes, from what I have gathered every mom feels this way. but is every mother brave enough to admit this? I don't think so...
you are the perfect mother for Ben. your becoming his mother is the fulfillment of your destiny. often times my becoming a mother feels like a giant mistake or some sort of cosmic joke. I have to remind myself often that all of life has prepared me for this great challenge of motherhood, and no mistakes have been made.

Denise -

I have three children (22, 13 and 10) and YES all mothers feel that way, even if they won't admit it! I think, though, they feel it at different times - I felt it in the newborn time (it would be so easier if they could just say it!), not so much toddler to elementary age - but OH NO! again in the teenage years. I also have one child with special needs and there have been times when I really thought she picked the WRONG mother.

But, it mostly works out. Your son always looks radiant and happy so you are doing something so right.

if only you knew how mych i needed to read this posts and all the amazing comments. IT IS ALL SO TRUE. It is shocking how being a mum can make you feel so small inadequete and incompetant.

my boy is two and my husband and i both work part time and look after our boy part-time. somehow when i get home from work there is calm and order and clean - yet when my husband gets home we've got out the paints, we've made sloppy pancake mess and well... none of my responsible chores have beeen done - and i feel so guilty and crap.

i guess what shocks me is how much i crave adult company during the long stretches of day with my boy. the most shocking part being that all my 'mummy friends' don't seem to crave the company like i do. and yeah i then start feeling all those things you mentioned. and the 'what is wrong with me?' loop playing over and over.

like you i only have 1 kid but my guess is that with number two you can at least feel competeant with one of your kids... maybe?

if only you knew how mych i needed to read this posts and all the amazing comments. IT IS ALL SO TRUE. It is shocking how being a mum can make you feel so small inadequete and incompetant.

my boy is two and my husband and i both work part time and look after our boy part-time. somehow when i get home from work there is calm and order and clean - yet when my husband gets home we've got out the paints, we've made sloppy pancake mess and well... none of my responsible chores have beeen done - and i feel so guilty and crap.

i guess what shocks me is how much i crave adult company during the long stretches of day with my boy. the most shocking part being that all my 'mummy friends' don't seem to crave the company like i do. and yeah i then start feeling all those things you mentioned. and the 'what is wrong with me?' loop playing over and over.

like you i only have 1 kid but my guess is that with number two you can at least feel competeant with one of your kids... maybe?

Andrea,

Wow! The amazing and most difficult thing about being a mother to me, is that there is no right or wrong way to do it. The best thing I try to remember is that no one can do it like me, even when I am doing it "badly." Seriously, Ben really wants you to be doing whatever you might be doing. He will accept and even love the babysitter and others but no one makes his heart sing like you do.

I think this feeling of inadaquecy was designed to keep us striving and connected with eachother. There is really nothing more isolating in our culture than parenting. If only we all still lived in the village.

There is no perfect way. The only thing we can really do is choose what (and how) we are doing/being when we are doing/being it. Be a courageous, vulnerable, respectful and loving mother and I am sure Ben will only spend a little time in therapy. He'll probably meet my kids in the lobby.

Love,
Jen

You are an awesome mommy! I seen it with my own eyes!!
I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough spot; remember that it shall pass, and to turn to your friends and loved ones to help you through.
Did I ever tell you about how I clipped off part of Ethan's finger pad instead of his fingernail? At like 6 weeks old? Or how I missed a step and fell with him in my arms onto the floor? I could keep the list going, but my point is, talk about feeling like a bad, incompetent mommy! But you try to get over it and revel in your love for them and their love for you and realize they won't remember anything but the love (at least for a few more years!!).
Sending you love, hugs, warmth and light,
V

I smiled when I saw a new book out there called "I Was A Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids." Yeah, exactly. Kids crying in the grocery store, whining, throwing tantrums--I had NO idea.

I used to tell my husband that it seemed like other moms had it together--going out to lunch with friends, taking baby to the movies, stroller exercise classes and my baby cried through all of those things. It seemed that in my mommy and me class that other moms were concerned about naps and food but no one was talking about how hard it was and that this was a HUGE adjustment. (Never mind the mind-altering sleep deprivation) I think I feel incompetent sometimes because I LOVE this little person so much. It's the only job I've had that I wanted to be great at. I wan eveerything to be the BEST.

My friend has started her own little club at work called "loving our bellies club." She got tired of discussing dieting with everyone so she started it (and wants her daughter to love her belly as well). She looks down at her belly, now a bit bigger and with stretech marks and pats it and says, "just lovin my belly!" Wouldn't it be great if we celebrated our imperfections as moms and just loved our bellies more.

I just think you're great!

I think if you aren't feeling some level of incompetence than you aren't parenting intentionally and I have little patience for people who just let happen what will happen...we are their parent's for a reason...to give loving direction and guiding into healthy adulthood...what normal human being wouldn't feel some insecurity or incompetence over such a responsibility?
You are doing awesome because you care enough to ask the question.

I think if you aren't feeling some level of incompetence than you aren't parenting intentionally and I have little patience for people who just let happen what will happen...we are their parent's for a reason...to give loving direction and guiding into healthy adulthood...what normal human being wouldn't feel some insecurity or incompetence over such a responsibility?
You are doing awesome because you care enough to ask the question.

I am 21 weeks pregnant and I lie in bed at night worrying about this. I worry that this is what I AM expecting when I have a child...

I have been really sick though, through out the pregnancy, and so pretty unable to cope. I think that the fact that I am having such a hard time these days exacerbates my worries about the future. The "if I can't even cope now, I will I after pushing her out (!!) and then on no sleep?"

Just today a girl friend of mine who had a baby emailed me the following today. Maybe it will give you some comfort too:

* * * * *
here's one thing I will tell you .. the fear of being a bad mother .. it won't go away right away .. the first six months to a year .. are going to be hard, very hard to get through. And you will doubt yourself a million times. I will too .. even knowing what i'm doing.

But let's try to remember a couple of things .. lol .. they will never remember - when they're 18 if you fell asleep while in the middle of feeding them, or if you put a diaper on backwards (lol - I didn't do this, but inevitibly it will happen at least once to your baby - by grandparent, hubby, babysitter - you just watch!)

When they're 18 the only thing they're going to care about is that you loved them. And that you gave them the self confidence to love themselves. That is my main goal with my son. I let him know several times a day that he is loved, and that I think he is an exception boy, with a really good heart. He loves to hear it.

ok .. maybe they will care about a few other things at 18 as well .. like whether or not you're going to buy them a car, and they might even hate you cause you don't like thier girlfriend or boyfriend. but I like to imagine peace. I am going with that. :-) lol

* * * *

I think you are amazing Andrea.

Elizabeth

I *love* that photograph! those clouds are amazing!

Absolutely, I think every THINKING mom has thoughts like this, of being a failure, of thinking everyone around her does it better than she does. Some mothers do not feel this way, but I think those are the same people who really aren't introspective anyway. Not saying this is bad, it just isn't how I am so I'm less familiar with what that might feel like. When it comes to feeling like I don't have a clue most of the time, I have the corner on that market. I only have one child because I think I'm barely doing a good job by ONE child, I'd be a WRECK with more. It isn't always this way, I don't always feel like I'm clueless. I have moments when I see that my daughter picks up things I have taught her (either intentionally or not) and I think either "wow, that's SO awesome, I did that!" or I think "crap, I had better watch my mouth, she just said, 'I can't get this bloody thing to work!'"
All I know is that there's nobody on the planet who will love this child as fully and completely as I will, and accept her for all her beautiful and stubborn and annoying and delicate and charming traits. I think the others are right - people can nanny/babysit/watch/take care of a child but the best thing a mother can do is love the child like no other. And that you do in spades.

i have three children (ages 1,3 and 4)and i thought i had this mommy thing down pat. my last wee one really put me to the test, my hardest baby by far. my first one was a tough little guy and broke me in as a parent. my second was the easiest baby ever born, kind of tricked me into thinking i knew what i was doing. the third one brought me back to reality and showed me how crazy babyhood can be. bottom line, i'm positive every mother has shared your feelings at one time or another-i think that goes along with being "the mommy." i think you are doing wonderful with ben. he's lucky to have such a great mommy as you are lucky to have such a great little man!

I'm great with kids. I nannied all through college, and now I counsel kids who have social and emotional challenges (PDD spectrum, ADHD+, mood disorders, and the like). I set clear boundaries, have reasonable expectations, and I'm not afraid to say "no". For a long time I wondered how parents can possibly be so incompetent, when it's so easy for me!

But then one of my mother's friends sipped her mojito and said to me: "You're pretty much a grownup now. Tell me, how did we do as mothers?" and it occured to me that they did a great job. Children don't come with a manual, and you have to rediscover fire and reinvent the wheel over and over again with everything.

I'm good with kids because I get to give the kids back. I spend six-hours with them, five days a week. So I can handle being the bad guy, put up with the tears and the attitude, and deal with the challenges. Then, I get to go home and have a glass of wine and some peace.

When I'm doing it with my own kids it will be different, I'm sure.

You're doing wonderfully as a mother, Andrea. I can see that from the little glimpses you give us. It's probably the hardest job you'll ever have, so of course you'll get burnt out from time to time. Also: It's probably the hardest job you'll ever have, so of course it will be the most rewarding thing you will ever do.

of course i want to jump in and yell,

omg! you are such a great mommy i just know it!!!!!!!

i am not a mom myself and have no idea what you are going through, although i do work with kids so i understand on a very small, less-intense scale.

i commend you for telling the hard truth....i am sure other moms out there can relate.

ben picked YOU for his mommy.

know that in your heart of hearts.

all my love
mccabe

in a word, yes.

it's the hardest job on earth. it is thankless and most of the awards we will reap come later. much later. plus it puts you under a microscope. everything you dislike about you will be magnified in your children! LOL.

Most people consider me to be "super mom" and I feel, as Martina put it, like "I'm just a great pretender in a great disguise".

we are all just women, doing the best we can.

And some days, frankly, I wish I could just run away for a few weeks to be ALONE.

Andrea,

I feel incompetent almost everyday... ... my marriage, communication, my job, my business, just living.. am I doing that right??? ... I could have done it better....
I do not have children,but I can imagine how strong those feelings would be, if another person's life was completley dependant on me and what I do, and how I handle things. It scares the bejesus out of me thinking about it.
But...the sense I get from your writings is that you love that little boy... and all of the questioning you are having, I think, shows what a good mom you are.

Andrea~

I think there is a silence amoungst many of us moms...we talk about the wonder of our children and hide our fears, the times we feel uneven, out of place and out of sorts...the times when nothing seems to fit like we thought it would...well this is life...this is motherhood--I think someone else said it here...we are all just flying by the seat of our pants...bumping our heads, getting bruised often...we think everyone else is doing it better...knows more than us...has the "secret" to what a "good" mom is...what she should "look" like..."feel like" and "sound" like--and that is just all a bunch of baby poop!

No one has the answer to what a good mom is...you love your Ben, you don't have to be the perfect mom, you don't have to get it all right. You make mistakes...try different things until it feels good to YOU....you can take advice from others..ask them what worked for them...but ultimately you need to figure it out yourself...your imperfections make you beautiful...your questioning...the fact that you want so much to get it "right"...is evidence that Ben has a wonder-full mom...I know this is a long tirade..but I want you to know that you are not alone...I want other mom's to know this too...we need to share our joys and our fears with each other because so many of us are all going through the same things...we just are too afraid that we are the "only one"...My oldest son is 16 years old now and I often feel so ill equipped to deal with his teenage issues, his hormornes, my hormones and the wonder of it all...But I imagine by my last child I will feel a little more confident. I am lucky to have a mom that keeps telling me what a good mom I am even when I feel like I am just screwing it all up....

You are beautiful and real and freshly aware of the good and the not so good aspects of motherhood--I already know you are a great mom!

xxokathleen

I've been quietly reading your blog for some time. I have three boys (9,7 and 5) and I completely hear what you are saying. Through experience, I have learned this: your child will never expect perfection or the right way, they just expect you. Its very cool to admit this, keeps you real. Stay on your path, and also thumbs up for Momma Zen, wish she wrote it 9 years ago!

I think part of what makes me feel that incompetency is that there is nothing I have cared about more.

My oldest daughter is eleven and I still feel it because every year (heck! every DAY!) brings new changes and stages.

She grows. I grow.

It's a blessing and you are NOT alone. Thanks for sharing your story. I just adore you.

oh my beautiful friend.

obviously, i cannot add much here as i am not yet a mother and have yet to experience these things. but i know when i AM a mother, i will be calling you because by then, you'll giggle/cry with me, say you understand and then shed your amazing wisdom.

what i CAN say is that you are not incompetent at anything. you have a grace, creativity and wisdom with your life that just flows through you. there is no rule book on most things in life...especially parenting. how can there be a rule book when each child and parent is so different? i know people will give you a bunch of advice or shared experiences here but i just want to say keep loving him the way you are because down deep inside, that is all he needs is to feel your love and he does and it shows in his smiles and bright eyes. cannot wait to meet him soon...and give him my love too.

i've been feeling incompetent the last few days on my infertility journey, with this new news and all. but as i am writing this to you, i am reminding myself that the best thing i can do is love myself and my body and only i know how to do that best.

just like only YOU know how to love Ben best.

i love you.

Dear Andrea! I'm not a mom myself, but most of my friends are - all have them have called me in tears at one point or the other because handling the kids got all too much.. It's a completely normal feeling and from all the Ben pictures you've posted so far (and I've seen them all), it is clear to me, that your kid is very, very happy. Love him, nurture him, nature and Ben will take care of the rest! All the best and lots of strength, Charis :-))

Oh my gosh. This post has come at incredible timing. Just yesterday I finally figured out why I'm SO tired by the time by husband gets home. It's not the physical aspect of rocking, holding, bouncing that baby (7weeks old) it's the feeling of failing. If I lay him down and he wakes right up I feel like such a failure. If I think he's tired and I try and try to help him fall alseep and then finally give up and just nurse him (at which point he'll fall right asleep) I feel like a failure. I'm not used to things being so hard and not being naturally good at it (especially since I majored in Early Childhood - I should be a pro). But I can only tell you the developmental milestones, etc. I cannot always successfully read my baby and know what to do. Not sure if you saw it, But Oprah had a show where a lady talked about listening to your baby's cry and you'll be able to tell what he/she wants. And now I feel more like a failure, because I was "taught" what to listen for and can't do it.
And as for working more hours for the babysitter...I teach and have asked for more time off in the fall so I won't be going back until he's 5 months old, but I've been thinking I should just go back right away, because surely, the babysitter could handle all this better than me.
Sorry for the long post, but it just came at exactly the right time. (And this is my second child.)

As a stepmom I feel this way often! I love to be with the kids, but so much of the time I feel lost and incompetent as a stepparent. It's getting better and I'm finding my footing more and more, but hearing a actual mom say she feels this way is incredibly comforting.

I go through this every now and again. For some time I'll be okay, and then boom...I'm feeling like I'm not a good Mom. My son will be two year's old in a couple of months and my recent, "woe is me" is that I'm not a cook, so I feel horrible whenever meal times come around. I think this feeling is exasperated because Aidan is very picky and will only eat certain things. But still...that feeling of being a bad mom because I'm not a gourment cook...beats me up all the time. How can a kid live on jelly sandwiches and thrive!? :~/

I can't count the number of times I looked at my husband through teary eyes and said, "I am doing this wrong, I just know I am doing it wrong." Between the sleep deprivation and the high standards I set for myself, I was bound to have dark times. Fortunately, six months in, I've stopped being so hard on myself (in fact I just wrote a post about this a couple of days ago! must be something in the air) and try to focus on knowing that my baby is his own person, I'm just here to change his diapers and make sure he gets a bath every now and then. And I'm so grateful to do it.

I think it's especially hard when going from a career where I felt competent to feeling clueless so much of the time. It's as though I went from being a master pastry chef (I wish) to an airplane mechanic. Some of the problem-solving skills are the same, but it's taking a while to get the hang of it, and the stakes are high!

Anyway, thanks for your always thought-provoking post, and for reminding me I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I think that our son's are about the same age, and as I tell my mom friends. I glad I can muddle with you. I tell my self everyone is better with Matias than me, my husband knows his needs. I have no clue who he is.....

Last night at a party someone said to me..you are a really good mom..just out of the blue...and you know what WE ARE!!!!! WE know our children, long before they know themsleves, they are different people...just remeber it takes at least 1 year (more if you are breastfeeding to feel normal again)

You are a great mom, I don't even know you...I just read you blog and I can tell...happy thoughts...

Lane and Matias almost 8mos.

yes yes! i know what you mean...we all do. the funny thing is, they are constantly changing/growing and just when you think you've got it figured out, everything changes again. i'm constantly learning and relearning to go with the flow. in the amazing book, "Momma Zen", Karen Maezin Miller writes about "the other mothers" and that there are no "other mothers"...we're all flying by the seat of our pants.

xo

"The sun is new each day"- Heraclitus

I think your feeling about the babysitter is normal. I work full-time, with a long commute, and have a captivating 22-month-old son in great full-time daycare.

When I went back to work at 4.5 months, part of me was relieved to not have to be at home all day -- I struggled with how my son absorbed 200% of my energy and focus. And felt that his wonderful daycare teachers took such great care of him -- better than I could for sure. I allowed myself to mentally rest during the day and not feel guilty about it so that I could give him that 200% in the evenings and on weekend. Still do.

As he has grown and become more independent, it has become easier. The holding and carrying and feeding are a big part of the drain factor and it's so much easier when they can walk and feed on their own and tell you what they want. With words. That said, I do still feel a bit overwhelmed at times.

The thing that knocked me off my feet more than *anything* was breastfeeding. I had no idea that nursing was going to drain me (both physically and emotionally) as much as it did. Just sucked me dry - literally and figuratively. I managed to hang in there for 9 months but when he started to self wean at around 7-8 months, I was happy to let it be. And it really is much easier when you get your body and strength back, and can get back to the things that are "you."

Andrea-

I recently read this thing that said you attract people who are similar to you. So the best way of truly knowing who you are is by looking at the common characteristics of your friends. Are they all complainers? Are they all encouraging, artistic, free spirits? That's all a reflection on your character.
I believe this applies on some cosmic level as well. Recently, I typed in the word "typewriter" in google because I was in search of some nice photos of typewriters. I clicked on yours and happened upon your blog. I've read it start to finish in 3 days and I just wanted to tell you how amazing you are. Your perseverance for what you want is admirable and encouraging at the same time. I remember at one point while reading your blog, I thought that you should consider career counseling or coaching...and later found out that you do that as well. Anyway, maybe it's wishful thinking, but I hope finding your site here was some cosmic reflection of my character and who I will become.

And about feeling incompetent-
I don't think those feelings have stopped you from succeeding in your previous endeavors and I'm sure Ben will not be an exception.

I think your feeling about the babysitter is normal. I work full-time, with a long commute, and have a captivating 22-month-old son in great full-time daycare.

When I went back to work at 4.5 months, part of me was relieved to not have to be at home all day -- I struggled with how my son absorbed 200% of my energy and focus. And felt that his wonderful daycare teachers took such great care of him -- better than I could for sure. I allowed myself to mentally rest during the day and not feel guilty about it so that I could give him that 200% in the evenings and on weekend. Still do.

As he has grown and become more independent, it has become easier. The holding and carrying and feeding are a big part of the drain factor and it's so much easier when they can walk and feed on their own and tell you what they want. With words. That said, I do still feel a bit overwhelmed at times.

The thing that knocked me off my feet more than *anything* was breastfeeding. I had no idea that nursing was going to drain me (both physically and emotionally) as much as it did. Just sucked me dry - literally and figuratively. I managed to hang in there for 9 months but when he started to self wean at around 7-8 months, I was happy to let it be. And it really is much easier when you get your body and strength back, and can get back to the things that are "you."

Darlings! (and that means you, Andrea, and everyone who's commented here)

Of course we all go through moments of self-doubt (I, for one, am frequently convinced that I add 5 minutes of my daughter's future-therapy-time with every interaction we have), however, this I know:

No one else on earth was more meant to be your child's mother than you. No one is equipped to love as much and to care as much -- your worrying about your own competence is testament to that. When times get tough and you worry about how you're doing, interrupt yourself with "This I know -- NO ONE LOVES THIS KID MORE. NO ONE." Find solace and strength in that.

And that, my friends? Is just what your kid needs, despite all the tantrums, meltdowns, or crying jags that feel like they're telling you otherwise. Those are just blips in time -- in the long run you are the best mother that kid could ever have. Truly.

/sermon.

:o)

K.

Andrea,
It's funny that you should mention feeling incompetent. From the beginning of my pregnancy I was totally thrown for a loop. I really didn't expect to be so 'laid up' with morning sickness. No one seemed to understand. Not even my sisters, both of whom had had a child. I already felt like I was doing it wrong. Then at the end of my pregnancy I went into labor and it took days for baby Hannah to come out. I once again had this creeping feeling that my body was doing it wrong. I had never heard of anyone who went into labor on a Monday having her baby on a Thursday afternoon. We brought our daughter Hannah home and then the real challenges came. Breastfeeding was terribly painful for five months. I saw lactation specialists after lactation specialist. I attended a breastfeeding group. I wanted to stop all together. My baby never slept. I was a wreck. I cried a lot the first five months.
I think we as mothers/fathers/parents believe that we should have all this 'control' over our babies like we do our own lives. But the reality is that we are raising another human being who is not ourselves. They are changing so much on a daily basis. The learning curve is huge for us parents!
Hannah is now 16 months old and I'm still learning how to raise her. Babies change so fast, one thing that worked one day doesn't work the next. It can be frustrating. But everyday gets a little easier than the last...

I've felt that way since my son was born 8 years ago!

I just recently picked up a book called Buddhism for Mothers by Sarah Napthali and I can't recommend it enough. This book has done more to restore my sanity and peace of mind in the last few weeks than any other resource I've tried.

I going through all of this right now too. Hearing this from other new moms makes me feel normal...as normal as can be for a new mom. Is there a right or wrong way for any of it? You read, see the new stories, etc. and still don't get it! It all just seems to be an experiment at times...what a precious one it is!

I'm only 17 days in. If I start listing the ways in which I have felt incompetent every hour of every day of her short life, I will run out of comment space. I was prepared for many things, but I wasn't prepared feeling like the dumbest mom in the history of the world.

I'm only 17 days in. If I start listing the ways in which I have felt incompetent every hour of every day of her short life, I will run out of comment space. I was prepared for many things, but I wasn't prepared feeling like the dumbest mom in the history of the world.

Questioning is perfectly normal. It's frustrating. It's annoying at times. Therapeutic others. Those questions only prove that you really love Ben. You want to be the best mom to Ben that you can be. Now you just have to remember that there is nobody better suited to be a mom to Ben than you are. Nobody loves him like you do. Nobody believes in him like you do or encourages him like you do. Alternatively, he loves you, trusts you and believes in you. In his eyes, there is no such thing as failure where his wonderful mom is concerned.

my personal experience was that i felt this way for most of my son's first 2 years of life...i'm sure you don't want to hear that...i know that it seems a long way off...but the fact that you're reaching out to women around you already demonstrates you're on a much faster learning curve ;-)
something shifted at some point after that and i felt less and less incompetint and realized more and more the patience it took to mother a child...not so much patience with him but patience with myself.
kaiden is now 8 and i have a 4 year old daughter as well...i know that i don't always get it right when it comes to parenting them...but i believe whole-heartedly that i do the best i can in any given moment. i believe that no one on this earth could mother them better than i.
i am a stay-at-home mom who homeschools her chilren...we spend a lot of time together and for now that works well. i have friends who stay home and send their children to school and friends who work full-time outside of the home and send their children to a sitter...you will find the balance that works best for you, matt and ben.
being a mom is REALLY hard sometimes...you waited so long and with such patience for ben to arrive...be patient with yourself now.
surround yourself with amazing women who will remind you constantly of the incredible mother you are...and i know you are...because not that long ago you posted a video here of ben's beautiful laughter...but it is your complete delight in him...your sweet laughter that i remember most ;-)
i can't wait to read the interview...i admire both you and jen so much.
xo
k

oh lady, i feel your every word. i thought it would be hard (compounded by twins) but i have always been pretty good, pretty competent through most of life. talk about being blind sided by this. somedays i feel like i just cannot do it...i don't know, like, i don't know how. and it feels good to admit that. but then there are the other days when i see my little guys accomplish some new little thing and i feel good. no day is ever the same, accepting that has helped. deep breathes help a lot too. thanks for writing bout your feelings on this...i think it helps other mamas to know, it sure does help, it sure does help this mama. smiles.

You guys are scaring me:)
(mamma-to-be in November)

I think you just have to believe that you are the perfect parent for your child or else he wouldn't be yours. It's all a leap of faith, and I often question which of my choices will send my son into therapy. But then a friend makes me laugh by saying, "At least his therapist won't be bored."

yes, I think so or you and I are in a boat together, because I feel this all the time. Kadison is 2 now and it still feels that way sometimes. I guess it's an ongoing process of learning from one another and going with your instincts and gut. It's never going to be perfect but if we love them as much as possible and give them space when needed that's all we can do.

xoxo
ps. i love jen lemen!!

heck yes! My son is almost 15months and I feel incompetent most of the time...like today when he had a tantrum for 30+ minutes because he didn't want to take a nap. I think it is pretty standard that you feel like a complete fool most of the time...I am so glad to hear someone else say it though!