It is a surrender but a "sweet surrender" it gets easier as time goes on. Hard to imagine though.

andrea,

once again i found that your experience really resonates. you inspired me to finally try to put into words my own feelings about the distance between the kind of mother i imagined i would and my reality. i think the hardest part is really coming to terms with the fact that life is now irrevocably different and that this is mostly good (and to leave oneself the room to mourn the past a bit too).

thanks!

jennifer

i just had a baby 5 months ago and i too thought my life would be like it was before, just that my daughter would follow along. your right, for now i prefer her schedule over anything else. If not just for the sanity it brings to my day.

your post speaks for you and i think for all new moms who had wild and fun lives before becoming mommy...no regrets....

>embarrassed at how small I'm willing to have my world right now

The depth of your current life experience cannot be measured in geography, in how many steps or miles you travel from your home. You're living deep, girl. There's no measure for - or shame in - that.

I love how you put this...it is a bit like a loss of a the old life, yet the new one isn't that bad, just different.

We always said we'd take our little guy with us everywhere...yet we haven't made plans to take him anywhere besides locally. It just does seem easier to stay on schedule at home. I always see the families out at concerts and events and want that. We finally went out to gallery openings this weekend and it felt good...but we went home early for bedtime! :)

Visit www.dooce.com, go to the archives, start reading from the oldest post and work your work to the current ones. It's like reading an awesome novel. Girl blogs, loses job, marries soulmate, gets pregnant... It's a good read and you may find it helpful, too.

Visit www.dooce.com, go to the archives, start reading from the oldest post and work your work to the current ones. It's like reading an awesome novel. Girl blogs, loses job, marries soulmate, gets pregnant... It's a good read and you may find it helpful, too.

Deareat Andrea,
You are still traveling...only the journey is right in your own backyard. Maybe not quite as exotic as the places you once ventured to, but still a wonderful journey of motherhood and family, and with your sweet Ben there will always be new things to see and do and many experiences and surprises along the way.
I have taken the trip you are on now. I chose the path of being a mom, and never looked back.
I just traded one kind of fun and adventure for a wonderous, new and different kind through the eyes of my (now 9 year old) daughter.
I really don't miss my old ways of doing things.
Seeing my child learn and explore her world has been and adventure all by itself.
I wouldn't have wanted to miss it for the world.
Blessings to you and the new road you have taken.
xo
Julia :)

Hi Andrea! :)

Big fan of your site here but I'm unable to post as much as I would like cause I never seem to have time. I have a little one myself and I work FT...my son is almost 2 :)

I think it's ok to feel like you've lost a little of yourself and you miss your "old life " a little... I think the important thing is to incorporate some of the old cool things you used to do and mix it up with your current life. From what I've read you're doing a lot of that... I gotta work on that...but still, I personally like having a balance of "me" time and "Joey" time... Joseph is son.

I think it's important to set aside some time for you cause you can let loose, have fun & come back to your little one feeling good and refreshed.

Funny thing...last night, I cranked a CD & my son (who is a little party animal like Mom is or shall I say, used 2 be)and I danced in the living room like 2 crazy people... we giggled, laughed, went around in circles till we were dizzy and we loved it!!!!! So much fun!! Just thinking about it puts a smile on my face. During the whole thing I thought, hmm... this is just as fun and even more FUN than going out to a club. Because believe me, there is NOTHING like seeing your child smile and giggle with delight.

xoxo Glo :)

You speak the truth, mama.

Funny how we think certain ways are "cool"......but really, I think what your doing is doing what's best for Ben. Putting him first. I doubt he would have much fun going out all the time. I know it's a hard transition, but you're doing really really good. Enjoy the process.

Andrea,

I had many of the same feelings as you when I became a parent...heck I've had that similiar feeling for much of my adulthood. My husband and I have been together 17 years. We met after high school and he became a doctor. So in our 20s we were not living a life of travel and freedom...we were getting him educated and trained, which kept us very close to home.

Then came having a baby. Between his schedule and my overwhelming feelings from becoming a mom, we didn't stray too far. Add a doctor's life and another baby and a child with diabetes, well, travel seems so incredibly daunting, we still don't do much. I mourn that fact sometimes.

But then again, I've traveled with small children, lol. Travel with kids, unless they are MUCH older (nearly grown, lol) is not very relaxing. I can be very unfun and miserable in truth. My thought on this has been and will continue to be, make the travel something they can actually enjoy and remember too. If you take them so young that it's nothing but stress on you to try and figure out how to care for them on the run, then it's not fun for them or you. And of course they won't remember any of it.

So, what we are planning is to wait until both our kids are at an age where they can really hang with us...be able to take care of themselves enough to free us up a bit more and then really be able to enjoy themselves too because we won't be super stressed. I mean, think of it, try taking a small kid to the beach. They can stay for a while...but they get cranky, they are scared of the water, the sand gets into their diaper. It's fun, for about, say an hour. And then they're over it...and believe me, so are you. It's better when they're toddlers, but not by much. Improves every year. But still, a vacation with a five year old who hates being confined and is easily bored, well, it can be torture for all involved. Add in those who are potty training or fearful of new situations and strangers...eee gads! And hiking, in a national park, with a small kid for an extended period of time. Communing with nature never seemed so scary, lol.

So, my advice, take small trips...weekend only. Not too far away. Take Ben to a farm to pick apples or go on a hayride...just to the beach to introduce him to the water and sand. Make it to where you can get home relatively quickly. Baby steps, so to speak. As he gets older, you'll be able to broaden the scope of your travel and make it really something you ALL can enjoy.

I've seen the stories of some of your friends travels and such. I'm sure they had wonderful times, with or without children. But, it doesn't mean they are experiencing more in life than you...they're just experiencing it differently. There may be a time when they find all that going is simply too exhausting and daunting...and you'll be on the road! To every season, girl.

And, I'm SURE, if you ask those with kids who've ventured on some trips, they will tell you plenty about how it was a bit more challenging than they originally envisioned...but isn't that parenthood in a nutshell!

How SMALL your world has gotten?! Dear one, your universe EXPLODED! "...bring the party to me." Oh, sweetie, maybe Ben's just helping you figure out that the party was INSIDE you all along. I've been in that place...that "I'm missing out" place...until one day I got that those places/activities/people didn't make me ME. Still, it's not an easy realization...that transition can and does carry with it all of those mixed feelings you described. So your body doesn't leave home...but my guess is that one look in Ben's eyes shoots your heart and soul through light years.

They are only small once. My little one is now 2.5 and my world is growing larger again. Yes, I can go out in the evening every once in awhile and perhalps a weekend away if my mom is in town. But bringing the party to you...is always a great idea!

the ebb and flow of our lives, my dear, like the seasons (just read animal, vegetable, miracle so i'm kind of on a kick here)...it can be so delicious to work through the growth and change...now if i can only practice what i preach...xo

So your world is small (geographically :) ) at the moment: you know you'll start to widen your circle with time. Think of the new perspectives, insights, humour and knowledge you're going to take out into the Bigger World once you (and little man) are in a position where you can venture forth a bit more together. And you never let go of the old life completely. I'm not in your position to know, but I reckon some of the best, enduring bits of your life pre-baby will get interwoven into the new. You'll lose some things, but you seem like you have a strong capacity for regeneration- you'll be okay :)

it helps me to think of my life in chapters. last chapter isn't this one and this one isn't the next. that way, the cravings, guilt, happiness, embarrassment, and joy all seem to flow together and find a place that is okay to co-exist. it's never perfect... just part of the story. and you never know what is going to happen next.

Hey there, well, it seems that you really should, although it is only human, let go of your shame. Its ok to need to follow a schedule especially since Ben is still so young. Perhaps when he is 3 you may be able to get around the schedule a wee bit. However, there are still parts of you that are fascinating - it is not the THINGS we do that make us interesting, although it helps - it is our views, and perspectives on life that really show us who we are as people. You are incredibly wise. While reading through old posts I found myself taking notes! You made some excellent points/observations. Consider it a time to rest and rejuvinate your "creative juices" and there will be times you can reclaim your party mama status in the future!

I have felt the same shame/embarrasment/grief over how small my world has become. 99% of the time I love the little world I'm making with my son and hubby, but every now and then I feel so disconnected from the rest of the world that I feel abit sad. But I know it won't last forever - thing is though, by the time I come to accept how much my life has changed our son will probably be older and more mobile! Ah well, such is life!

Travel with a little one can be hard work, but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it. You will be surprised how resilient young ones are, and how inventive you can be! We spent a month in Europe last year when my son was 6 mths old - it was exhausting, but we did it and we were very proud of ourselves. We head to Europe again (and maybe Chile, how exciting!) in 3 weeks and I'm feeling scared about it again (a very energetic 18mth old is hard to contain!), but I just keep telling myself we will manage, things always seem to sort themselves out. My biggest worry is the effect on his sleep - he was a terrible sleeper until 13 mths (awake every 2hrs, every night), but he has been sooooo good lately (sleeps through most nights, yippee). I just keep telling myself that we fixed his sleep problems once, I can do it again and surely it won't take as long this time.

I am happy to accept the changes I have had to make to my life to work in with nap times, feeds, etc. The thing I find hardest to deal with is the guilt I feel when sometimes circumstances require that I have to mess with the routine and maybe he misses out on an afternoon nap. He is always fine and bounces back quickly, but I seem to struggle with the guilt for much longer... Why I do this to myself I just don't know.

The best things in life are nearest.

Seems everyone is pretty much in agreement. You base what you do on the needs of your child. Some kids can take a bit more chaos and unpredictability - the very chill, laid back variety I certainly didn't give birth to! But even those babies/children still need a given quantity of sleep, they still thrive on familiarity and a routine of sorts. When people choose to bring another being into the world, they are taking on the responsibility of giving that being what it needs, especially throughout the neediest times when their little psyches are developing so distinctly (0-5). IMHO, that is what we're supposed to do - whatever the child needs to thrive. Over time, you get back more time to invest in what you crave from your pre-children existence, but the core YOU is still in there, no matter where you spend your time or what you do with it right now. No worries.

I think it does grow into a situation where you start to regain your freedom and sense of adventure. For now, just know that the time flies. Small is okay for a while. Your world will start to expand again as he does. But for the record, I think there is ALWAYS a gap between who you think you will be as a parent, and who we actually are. :0)

Andrea, I am the same way in that I prefer being home and in bed early. Children really have a way of taking up most of your social energy! I think that by listening to your heart, you are on the right track. I love your blog, you are very insightful and wise.. and quite a busy bee with lots on your plate! I'm impressed.

Paige

I keep meaning to post on this, but I've been so tired. I think that in the end we are judged on our kindness, compassion, and strength of character. You have that in spades, and you are being the best mom to little Ben that you can be (and he's thriving!). So, don't worry! Also, being hip and edgy is really overrated. The most important thing is to be you, and be in the moment. Life always brings us challenges and things we didn't expect, and it's grappling with the challenges that we are actually presented with that makes us strong. Hugs to you and Ben.

You ARE the totally cool mom. Someone said that your child teaches you to be the mom he/she needs you to be. You're in touch with his needs which means staying a little bit close to home and giving him the warmth, rhythm and security he needs. I have friends who have babies that sleep anywhere, under any cicumstances, eat anything, nurse OR take a bottle, take 6 hours drives with no problem etc. When my daughter was new, we tried to live our "old" life. But she was not a sleeper, not happy in the car seat, just not a happy-go-lucky traveller. So, like someone else said, as soon as the diaper bag gets smaller and YOU're getting the sleep you need, travelliing seems a lot less daunting. I just think you're doing what you need to do for Ben and that's being a cool mom.

You know, I never imagined what a slave I'd become to THE SCHEDULE, but I am. Oh, but I am. I'm pretty much over the embarrassment now (almost); you just have to do what feels right for you and your family. These stages are only temporary. So you're just rockin it in a different kind of way right now -- it's ok!

oops HEAR not here.

andrea,

this struck a deep chord in me too today.

i just got back from a walk on the beach, and i was thinking about how the "old me" who would go to restaurants alone, take sexy little mini trips here and there, and wear fresh roses in my hair. i waited my whole life to meet my soulmate-and i cannot imagine life without him-its just that i seemed to have lost a part of me when i entered this new life.

like, i was living mostly in a dream before, where everything floated, and reality does not have that same effect on me.

i miss that part of me, thats all.

i have no idea if this makes sense to anyone but me...

but i really here you on this one and wanted to send my love.

we really are all in this thing together.

with love
mccabe

i've been resting and not reading blogs the last few days but i felt i was supposed to come here. i never feel like i need to give you advice because you always find the gentle answers deep within your wise soul. so, what i do want to leave with you is something that really struck a chord with me this morning when reading from the book "detox for life" by josephine collins. she talked about us putting unecessary pressure or too many expectations on ourselves at times in our life when we feel we should be doing something a certain way and it tends to not be what we imagined. letting go of expectations and just living day by day is a challenge but i think in the case of being a new mommy, it is necessary for your peace. one day you may wake up and want to tie ben to your back and go to a party, another day you may want to stay cuddled on the floor in your home. no one has any expectations of you because we all trust you know what is right for your family and your heart. you're good like that and all is good just as it is.

being with ben at home is an adventure in and of itself. a different adventure than what you were used to but no less of an adventure.

but you know this already. beautiful.

okay...back to taking a nap. i love you.

My first htought (before I run to get *my* baby who's crying) is that you are making his world aone big enough for him to handle and love (and which may mean yours is a little limited, but means you are getting some breathing space as a mom)

not sure if this makes sense. my thoughts are with you.

It is ok to feel sad, but it is important to surrender to the time you are going through right now. Ben will not be a baby forever and then you will be so happy you took the time to enjoy him and create your world around him.

On the other hand it is good to try to live your adventures because this way you will also be teaching him who you are as a woman and will also make an adventurer out of him. He will want to travel the world along your side.

It is all a matter of balance and doing what feels right for your heart.

it is so strange, andrea, when i read your posts i feel like i am on a wavelength that corresponds, (not to seem too intimate). this week i have been thinking so much on the same thing, my life so close to home, my life so tight to this area now. we are contemplating a trip to tahoe with the boys and trying to figure if this is good or not, if this can work or not and it makes me think on those times when we packed ourselves up and went. it is such a changing experience and time. and half the time the routine wins out because i fear mayhem if we did not have it. i love this and love them, but i hear you loud and clear about the parent i thought i would be and the one i am. and we just keep working at it....smiles.

There's nothing wrong with realizing that the baby changes your life. Good parents find that they cannot simply slide a baby into their old life and continue on with a baby hanging around. I see this happen and it's a little sad because the kids aren't getting what they need (i.e. - sleep! a schedule that lets them know what to expect next!). Good for you. Before you know it, Ben will be big and easy to take with you and you will long for the days you spent quitely at home...

she said steal the idea, not the pic LOL
http://mightygirl.com/2007/08/23/steal-this-idea/

Ha!
I've got two and one on the way, and for my family there is a cycle that a baby puts us in. You stay the heck to home for a while. Then you get to the stage that they're pooping one or twice a day instead of twenty times, and they don't live with their face in your boob, and you venture out a little. When they actually start eating food and having mealtimes you venture out more, but interestingly begin to eat out less, because they're a pain in restaurants. When the diaper bag weighs less than they do, you venture out even more, but somehow it takes more time to get out the door because by now they're walking. And then you get pregnant again.
Or not.
Whatever.
I'm just saying, you stay home when you need to, and you'll need to less and less as they grow. Life changes when you have children, but don't forget it keeps changing...

O, can i relate! i thought i would be the uber cool, world traveling mom. take my baby in a rucksack on my back and go. i thought i would take him all over the place, wouldn't sit still for a moment! HA...
we did a bit of that when there was one.
i now have 2 and that makes mommy cocoon even more, it's exhausting schlepping them around! these little guys need a schedule or it's mayhem. traveling anywhere far is so much effort and they are still too little to appreciate the adventure.
plus, babysitters & nightlife are expensive.

it's hard getting use to the life of a mommy, especially if you were a free world traveler with no holds. i was and it's hard for me. thankfully the longer i do it the more at peace i am with it but there are days that my backpack still talks to me! i run out of the room :)

I think I feel that way about my art work, although that seems to change all of the time. I had so much free time this summer and had grand ideas about all the work I would create. But nothing much really wanted to come out. I determined that summer wasn't my season for creating and tried to keep an open mind. I guess this summer was my season for letting go.

Andrea, I so appreciate what you share here and you are able to articulate yourself in such a genuine way. Much care!

If it's any consolation, I'm newly arrived in a foreign country and am *also* being a complete homebody so far. And I don't even have a lovely child as an excuse--just a desire to nest up and read quietly for awhile.

there is an open invitation at my house here in georgia!! if the urge to travel takes you here that would be grand!