Andrea:

I just found this post and I'm, absolutely sure that it resonates with many, many of us mamas.

As a Mama of 8 years I have often struggled with this issue of "balance." What I've found (only recently)is the closer I look, and really see, and participate fully in my life as the "Mama" that the urgency for this "self time" has slipped away. It helps that the kids are older and able to interact and communicate too. However, it was only in the fullness of giving myself over to this role that I have been able to see better the emergence of this VERY real, very happily alive, new me.

Now when I have some space to myself and drink some wine, i still wake up with the hangover, but with little people all over me.

Be well - Molly

Well, as most others have said - there are no easy ways of finding the balance between parenthood and personal creativity. Unless you have a trust fund and/or can hire a nanny I guess.
That said, it really does get easier. The first years are intense, and then suddenly everything eases up. My kids are 8 and 5 now, and I have so much more time and mind space these days. I get much more done and feels a lot less stressed than I did when they were toddlers.

But of course there have been some compromises.

For instance, I decided to switch from a creatively fulfilling, but financially insecure, career as freelance writer to becoming a full time staff member of a news paper (which is fun too!). A decision I have not regretted at all. When the kids leave the nest I will most likely take on a more independent path again, but for now, I value the stability and structure that this solution offers me.

Hi Andrea,

I've read you from time to time. :-) You're a superhero. I know of you because of Karen's (of chookooloonks) mention from a long while ago.

I couldn't find your email address. Would you email me as I'd like to contact you privately, if that's alright with you. Thanks.

Definitely make the time and effort to do for yourself regularly. Just like actively mothering can be rewarding and exhausting at the same time, doing for yourself while caring for young children can seem daunting for various reasons and yet still be in your family's best interest.

I work for myself out of my home, and it is easy to lose motivation for that in the atmosphere of the constant calls of motherhood. So I find it most helpful to view opportunities for balance in a positive and realistic light rather than assume that they somehow diminish my relationship to any other thing.

A healthy, responsible parent who learns new things, enjoys time with people of all ages, cultivates creativity and celebrates what life has to offer can only be good for your child/your family/your work/your passions.

I think it is so hard to be a creative mother. Creative people are passionate people and we put 110% into everything we do - being a mom. Creating art. Giving 110% of yourself to someone else is exhausting.

But it DOES get easier! One of my best friends gave the best advice to me. She has delightful - literally delightful teenagers. Not just one, but four of them. I asked her the secret because after all, we want our children to be happy!

She said it's simple - she makes time for herself because that in turn, makes her happy and happy moms model for their children how to be happy.

It made sense to me. It is a balancing act. And some people are better at it than others.

It sounds like you are doing a great job of honoring yourself and staying touch. Don't let that fire go out in you. They are hard to reignite once the spark is gone.

Wow, this is so where I'm at. Thanks for your very real post Andrea, and all the other Moms.

It is just so good to know I'm not alone even when I feel so very isolated and creatively frustrated. I'm a stay at home mom of a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old (boys). My friends all work or have moved to other parts of the country. And somehow I managed to never get my drivers lisence up until now (was never an issue before). In my country it is not a good idea to go walking alone (or with kids). So yep, I'm pretty much stuck at home! Sometimes the only adult I see for more than a week is my husband (and sometimes we're fighting during that time!)

The irony is that since it took three years for us to fall pregnant in the first place, I spent a lot of my time before babies wishing for this time to come. So I also so want to seize every moment of this!

At the end of the day it just remains such a privelage to be a Mom and to be at home and there for my kids and have those moments that I otherwize would have missed. To give them the sense of self and the memories they otherwise would not have had.

I just wonder if women from past generations felt this torn and felt that they need to do "more" that mothering.

I honestly haven't figured it out yet either, but I still somehow don't want any other life and know that my moments with my kids will be the ones I think of most fondly one day when I'm old and gray.

I waited so long to respond to this because I knew your stash of readers would respond with all the love and support you needed, and I really don't have much to add except this: I work outside the home three days a week. Some days/weeks I feel like it's all in balance, others I'm flying blind while running in circles. Was your life before Ben always in balance? Mine wasn't before kids and it isn't now, and I guess it probably never will be, and that's okay with me. The moms I'm friends with call it 'holy chaos' and I think that sums it up. On a slightly different angle, I know you practice yoga. Now, I do too, only once a week for over a year now, and I struggle with tree pose sometimes -- a very 'easy' balancing pose. My instructor taught me two things: a) when you're in tree pose, you should be rooted enough in the ground, through the heels, that you can wiggle your toes; and b) it's easier to balance when you're holding onto something (even if it's a strap you're pulling in between your own two hands). I think that applies to life, too: balance requires that you're correctly rooted and you've got something to hold on to. I think you're doing great! Acknowledging your needs allows your roots to remain firmly planted.

And now for an almost complete tangent: remember that trick about holding on to something making balance easier? That comes in handy for babies too, when they're learning to walk. I think it was my pediatrician who told me to let my daughter hold on to something long, skinny, and harmless while she was learning to walk b/c she'd think she was holding my finger and that would make it easier for her to balance. Just FYI. :o)

I am mostly a lurker but I wanted to answer your question - I am a mom of 3 with another on the way...and the way you are feeling is more than normal. I will say that you will never quite find or be your old self again, but rather create a new self - so much better than you ever could have imagined. Just as our kids change constantly, so do we as we learn so much as parents and people every day. Enjoy it!

Dear Andrea, Your blog is one that has provided me with a moment to escape and not feel so alone in some of motherhoods loneliest times. Thank you for sharing your gifts.
I am a worrier by nature and an artist and a conquerer by choice. I survived a traumatic childhood (like o so many) and worked long and hard to heal myself, make a healthy life and reclaim the true me that had been so mistreated as a child. I am constantly working on peace and joy in my life! After finding me and then finding my husband and then enjoying a few accomplishments we decided we could provide a healthy *balanced* life for a child. So we prepared a home and with all the enthusiasm, love and determination we had built up we made our baby! I have absolutely no idea why I thought I would be able to be the artist that I am, keep the homey-home I like to keep, be the great partner I want to be, make the healthy meals I like to make, exercise as much as I like and give my baby homemade baby food and 100% of my attention at all times. Oooh and also, I love to read and travel so of course, it never did occur to me that I would not find a way to balance all of this!? Wow, what a shock! who knew sleeping (both for baby and mommy) would be so hard or that going anywhere with an infant would be such a challenge. No one told me that I would not be showering quite as much as I used to or preparing a decent meal on a daily basis! Or worrying about every sound and movement my baby makes and wondering how I could have overlooked educating myself on vaccines for G-d's sake! ***Seriously***no one tells you how intense this stuff can be!
Well, my 11 month old son *blows my mind* with his beauty and cuteness! I am in a beautiful world with him and thrilled to be *his* mommy! At the same time I mourn the me I used to be or maybe the life I used to have. I think you do have to grieve for a certain kind of loss of a part of you that maybe won't ever be quite the same. I mean nothing went how I planned. I was put on bed rest in my last month of preg.. I had some unexpected (extended) family issue with my brother that was so hurtful that I am still trying to let go of the pain. Their lack of love and concern felt devastating at the most vulnerable time in my life. I ended up having an unexpected c-section (which I did *not* want!) This all throws me off when I am just trying to balance the day to day. We have no supportive extended family out here (very little back east) but we have made some good friends! I really focus on the positive and write whenever and however I can to let stuff out. I miss painting and making stuff! It's like starting a project is so tricky with timing naps etc. It really is lonely and hard and beautiful and amazing all at once. It's like pushing many boulders up hill some days and it's like eating ice cream and dancing in the sun(maybe melting ice cream and clumsy dancing)on other days. I think I am going to emerge with many old parts of myself but not all of them and not the same because I am forever changed. Balancing in the here and now brings a whole new meaning to patients and baby steps. It's like Sams and I are learning to walk in different ways but at the same time. It's a wobbly kind of fall down and get back up kind of balance:)
xo Leia

Take it from an empty nested artist. Hold on tight to each moment when they are little. They will slip through your fingers like little balls of mercury before you can turn around and say "What?" Cup your hands around those hot,brief moments of opportunity and store the glow - once your children are grown, winter sets in and you'll be glad of the sparks.

I have been white knuckling it since my first child was born hanging onto myself. I think the key of keeping our creative wits about us is mixing that with a little surrender. Of course as the kids get more and more independant, it gets easier to excavate who I am, who I've become, my aspirations, my passions (outside the den)so I will say that the light is there but the tunnel is long and often dark even while holding onto that knowledge.

This was a great post Andrea and I know every mother can relate.

I know this answer sort of sucks, but sometimes it takes time -- lots more than you think it should! It CAN be very lonely, and boring, being a stay-at-home mom. Our current culture promotes something pretty different from what is reality for most moms, no matter where or how they work (and we all "work"), so it's easy to end up feeling isolated, or like you're doing it "wrong".

Like others have said, good buddies who truly understand where you're at, and are able to trade support, comic relief, a chance at balance, are a goldmine. It's worth it to devote your time and energy to finding those people (they're looking for you, too!).

Well. It depends on the day! I tell people we live a balanced life in a very unbalanced way. It's a challenge, to be sure. Some days its kids kids kids, some days its all work, some days (my favorites) are a delightful mix of everything. I try to balance out the unbalance, but I struggle with it!

I'm glad you found the ME. Don't lose the ME! That's essential. If you've figured that out, you're well on your way.

First of all, this picture is just lovely. :)

From One Who Knows What She Is Talking About, I can tell you that yep, it's hard, and yes, you will have to fight for yourself. I keep close tabs on my spirit to check when things are out of alignment, and then do what I can (enlist help, involve the kids in something creative with me, make sure I have an ongoing weekly date with myself to paint) to make sure things get back to the way they should be before they get too far out of whack.

I look at it this way: I am being a better mother by being true to myself and not giving it all up in favor of everyone else's needs. My kids are going to see that honoring your sense of creativity and spirit is a necessary way of life. Plus, it makes me more able to give everything else my full attention when I know I've filled my own well and I'm not running on empty.

Everything changes so fast with kids; do your best to honor and find yourself now in whatever way you can. And in a month, a year, it may be different; you many have more time, be getting more sleep... and maybe Ben will inspire you in a completely different way to be creative. Kids do that.

I send you this - I painted it when the kids were teeny and I was looking to make some kind of sense of it all. http://www.frenchtoastgirl.com/gallery/largepics/balance.shtml

Hang in there! ♥

Hi Andrea

I've been following your blog for a few years. It's been a steady friend through the blues, creative drought and abundance, and for a little bit of magic.

Sometimes the feeling of limbo is a sign that you've grown all you can, and it's time for something new to emerge. One believes that something new IS emerging - but there's also a period of lying fallow, and it's just as important to appreciate that.

There's an old post you made ages back on how maybe, just maybe, whatever it is you're feeling right now IS what you're supposed to feel in the moment. That's been a good friend to me for the past one year.

Warmly
p

It certainly comes and goes - we take adventures to Target too. It's awfully hard to get out of the house - out of my pod - but I really love the Mommy & Me classes I've been going to once a week. There is just so much to do or that I want to do around the house. During her naps it's always a choice between housework/blogging(the only journaling I'm doing right now)/sleep/shower/cook/catching up on email. I guess these days I've had to redefine balance as getting at least one thing done outside of caring for my little girl. It sure would be nice to get a little of everything done each day, but it just doesn't happen.

preach it sister! I hear you loud and clear. every day I battle my 'not good enough' demons. and it's so hard isn't it?

Just last week my sons palygroup leader told the mummies off for getting to class late and for chatting during quiet play and I had to let her know that this was a safe haven for mummies and they needed to feel they could make mistakes and be held by the group - and be appreciated for their sheer presence rather than their perfectness.

I had to stop myself from reading child-raering books and just get on with the business of being a mum -rather than reading how to be a operfect mum - and never living up to it.

I cry a heap more now that I'm a mum- and I miss the freedom that goes with being child-less.

When you base who you think you are on being able to be spontaneous and fancy- free- it does change things a heap when you have a baby. I'm still working this one out.

Your there Andrea- keep being Andrea.

peas and peace

No.

I sit at the office and look yearningly at photos of my children. I sit with my children and gaze longingly at my books.

But life is good, children are lovely, and there is always more to create beyond raising the children as best I can...

It looks from here like you're a superhero among superheroes. Enjoy it!!!

I hit my all time low at 10 months. It lingered for about 2 months. Just in the past month I have had a significant turn around. For me, it was that I was trying too hard. I cared too much about being the perfect mom/wife/housekeeper/friend and I lost out in each aspect.

The worst part wasn't that I was having a hard time with being a mom. The worst part was being mad at myself for having a hard time. I felt like it should be all smiles and giggles and since it wasn't, it was my fault.

It was my fault, to a point. I was trying too hard. I cared too much. I have made a very conscious effort to change from a "must do" mind frame to a "relax and enjoy" state of mind. It has been wonderful! I enjoy my son so much more, myself, friends, and life in general.

I think for me, the key to finding my balance was to not fight it...or accept that at least for now, things are going to be out of balance.

You are not alone and I sincerely thank you for your honest post.

I hit my all time low at 10 months. It lingered for about 2 months. Just recently, I have climbed out of my hole and begun to look at life with a smile again.

The problem was...I tried to hard and cared too much about being the perfect mom. I have changed my attitude from one of "must do" to one of "relax and enjoy."

hear me LOUD & CLEAR - reading your blog provides me with balance all of the time. Every time you write about motherhood (and it's inherent challenges), I relate and therefore feel like I'm not the only one wondering - is this me?
thanks a million and keep sharing!
xx from London

hear me LOUD & CLEAR - reading your blog provides me with balance all of the time. Every time you write about motherhood (and it's inherent challenges), I relate and therefore feel like I'm not the only one wondering - is this me?
thanks a million and keep sharing!
xx from London

I've been reading your blog for a long time but not sure I've ever actually pushed "Post" on a comment before. So, Hi! :-)

I'm not a Mom yet, so there's a lot to what you're going through that I have yet to experience (though I've seen it in others). But I'm struggling with issues of balance in my own life. I work in academia and previously did both research and teaching, but this semester I'm trying out a situation where I'm teaching twice as many courses and not doing any other work. I love teaching, but I find that it's not at all a good fit for me when it's all I do. My mood is too wrapped up in how class is going (and some days, class doesn't go well!), and this is a job of mostly giving which didn't bother me when I was also feeling excited and motivated by research. But without that other part of my work life to feed me, it's quite unbalanced and I feel the stress and loneliness of that deeply some days.

So, it's not really the same situation you are in, but the same quality of imbalance seems to exist. Your post really resonated with me.

Andrea, I LOVE your honesty. Losing yourself as a mother is probably accurate. Some would say you find your true self in that level of giving to another.

Others would say that's not enough, that feeding their needs is more important, even essential to carrying on.

Is it selfless vs. selfish? I don't know but I do know that if anyone on earth can work it out, it's you.

I have found some balance. I have found my way back to what I recognize as the me before motherhood and of course she is altered but still, the essential stuff is there. That took awhile after I had my son - about two years. Choosing to do something big for myself helped. When he was two I applied to a masters program in creative writing and got my MA.

He is six now and I still have the desire for more balance, because mothering and partnering and being a graduate student (I'm in a doctoral program now) both feed and drain me. And fitting in friends and other family members is not the easiest thing I've ever done, but I try. All of the people and goals that mean so much to me can also get in the way of taking care of myself. That is the crux.

That said, I have learned a big lesson in the past two years. If I give up on trying to hold up this very sacred and core thing that is me (and I have, I have slipped, caved, crawled, and given up) the universe (or God) swoops in and says No. This is not going to do. Here is another lesson, another way to get yourSELF back into your everyday life. Here is more to think about, more to do.

You know that saying, "Be careful what you wish for?" I keep remembering it because what I prayed for several times within the past two years is growth. I had found myself falling into some kind of pod, I guess, but it was a pod that left me feeling lonley and not true to myself.I was many things to many people but what was I to myself? How could I nurture everyone else and ignore me?

I asked for opportunities to learn what I need to learn and have I gotten them. And what I am here to learn has become very, very clear.

Basically, over the past two years, I honestly feel that my purpose in life, or at least a very HUGE part of my purpose, is to remain authentic and true to myself in my Daily life. Not just when I can manage to plan a creative get away or carve out time to write during the week but DAILY. I have tried to do it the other way - to go easy on myself and tell myself I can't think about me every single day, but when I don't, it's like some kind of toxic build up happens (and it happens fast!). I have tried to meditate myself out of my ego and stop thinking so much and that wasn't quite right either. The message I give my son is the same message I need for myself: "You matter. I care about you. What you need to be healthy and happy means something to me." I show Jacob he matters every single day. It's a piece of cake! I'd like it to be a piece of cake to do that for myself, for it to be as natural as it is with my little boy.

On a very basic level, this means I have three things to consider: 1) Did I self-advocate today if necessary? 2) Did I do something creative? 3) Did I use my voice (vs. being quiet, not there, being small & not in the way)? 4) Did I take care of my needs the way I take care of Jacob's needs?

My goal is to make all of this a habit, and to learn how to it with grace.

I haven't had children so I can't comment on that. But I have often thought about the way we have divided families up into teeny little "nuclear" chunks in the West. In Gaza, where I used to live and work, and in Afghanistan, where I now live and work - no new mother would ever be alone trying to figure out this balance. She would in the shared home of her husband's family, with a mother-in-law and several sisters-in-law, perhaps a grandmother and plenty of neices to help out with baby sitting. All those women would be helping her, keeping her company, making her laugh and sitting with her when she cries. I'm not sure we've made progress in the right direction on this point. Our family units have become so tiny that we are alone at some of the most significant and challenging moments of our lives.

As for balance, I think it is a little bit over-rated and I tend to find that I swing from a little "too much" of one quality in my life to a little "too little". The balance comes in the big picture, not in the individual moments.

Your wise, sacred, wild and wonderful self is all there - i guess figuring out how to feel confident and secure in this time of so much change is something that will take plenty of time and lots of self-love and gentleness.

sweet andrea, sometimes I refrain from commenting because the posts are about mommy/baby issues, something I don't have experience with, yet. but I believe I can comment on this post because it is more about not letting go of YOU, of the food your soul craves and of the light the makes you shine and be the best mama and wife you can be. so, if you breathe, balance and be true to your needs, everything else will fall into place. your creative juices quench our thirsts, never stop that part of you. big hugs to you.

Aaaaaahhhh, balance... I'm forever in search of it! As many of the others have said, I can relate to this post very closely. I think that just as much of life is like this, you ebb and flow through these extremes and come back to center periodically. We are ever-changing, just as our beautiful little ones and all this change, in and of itself, can throw you off. For me, right now, coming back to center almost feels like fleeting moments but its there and I revel in those times, and soak up all that energy.

i love this post. i can almost relate to every part of it, except that i'm not a stay at home mom (i work full-time). andrea, you write so beautifully :)

I didn't feel like I was "myself" again until my baby was in an organized school setting - hers being a preschool when she was one and a half.

Now that I have two and am even more homebound I find that I need to push myself into more working situations - which I love - but sometimes get lazy about getting myself out there.

I think I did start to feel like my old self again - but with new mama bits... Probably around two years.

But then we decided to have a second, and now I'm back to feeling like my days fly by, I get nothing done, never satisfied with where things are going because I don't seem to have the chance to direct them, things just happen, always playing catch-up. Never fully dressed, LOL.

But, because this is my second, I remind myself that it will end, that my husband and I will find time to just sit and talk again, that we will have a routine one day (soon!) where the dishes and laundry get done, that I will not be interrupted to nurse at the most inconvienant times.

It will pass. And I will miss my littlest one's little-ness, as I miss it in my big one.

Take video. I wish I'd taken more video of my older boy. I have tons of pictures, but I wish I could hear his little toddler voice again, see him wobble around...

reading all the comments is both comforting and a little disheartening...because the balance you ask about seems hard to come by and not in my near future. you summed it up with the excursions to target or whole foods...but with my twins i feel the need to have my back-up companion, either my mama or husband. do not get me wrong, i know how lucky i am to have the amount of help i have, but to always need it....boxes you in just that little bit more. but i am learning a few new things. how to rest quietly. how to knit just a few stitches and feel a sense of accomplishment. how to imagine some things rather than try to shove them into my current reality. and how to just let myself cry when it is just too much. because that can feel better than pretending i do not need to. now if i could only learn to throw out some of the information about baby-raising i read during the last 6 months, if i could learn to trust my intuition and feel that i am interpreting my sons' needs correctly...that might bring a bit more balance. we will see.

You know already that the life before Ben is not the life you have or will have. The balance does come though. It looks different than it did before having a child. It's happened for me very recently and it coincided with my son starting kindergarten. He is challenged and loving it. He has a full life separate from us. He was in preschool and childcare since my partner and I work full-time but we were still the absolute center of his world. Now, he has a life that is apart from us, a world of his own. It was a rocky transition but now has left each of us some independence. We remain a tight family, sleeping together, playing together, but he doesn't depend on us in the same way that often left me off kilter.

An important milestone before this is when he began to talk, so that I could understand. He was able to finally communicate and that brought some ease as well.

You're doing fabulous. Keep finding the moments to connect with others and to nourish yourself.

i have found at times 'me' has to be on pause, which Iwas not alright with until having my second child 2 months ago.

nursing and naps limits our schedules and you know the rest and all the reasons we are on pause. it's finding the constant times we can push play once in a while and let dad step in. I was able to find time in my life with #1 last year to take drumming lessons on sat. mornings but knew when #2 would come along that part of me would be on hold for a little bit.

so when you get moments to push play and have 'you' time you don't waste a moment of it and you drink it in 110% aware and alive. we took it for granted before, it was too constant. And we did not know selflessness before baby, so it's all looking different now on the other side.

having 2 makes me feel more like a mom and less like I have one foot in and one foot out figuring out the new me. I have both feet in and it's feeling grounded and I know soon enough I will be able to make time for drumming lessons again. just family trips to tilden park train rides have become more important and exciting for me to do with my whole family first.

Andrea,
My children are 9 and 5 and the truth is that the feeling of having a balance between being a mom and being an authentic "me" comes and goes. Right now I'm doing pretty well and nurturing my creativity, friendships, spiritual life, and exercise with the 24 hour a day job of caring for Noah and Maya.
When my kids were the age of Ben, though, balance was nowhere in site. Once I became a mom it took me a long time to figure out how to be a happy, fulfilled me, even though I loved my children completely.
It is hard, but you are not alone and you will find your sacred you again.
I see this like so many other things in life. It is like waves on a beach that naturally roll in and out. It's all okay and just a part of the journey we're all on together.

Is balance really a good thing to find? If you're balanced aren't you basically standing still? Life is a great deal of ups and downs - at least I find it is - and even though I do yearn to just stand still at times and breathe in my full self and feel complete it only happens for maybe a second and then something causes me to tilt and teeter again, one way or the other.

Awesome pic again! Love it!

When I saw the picture, the trees were talking to me - Y and P.

I'm a little lost in my life right now, your picture really struck me for some reason. You always take beautiful photos.

:)
Ann Marie

I went through similar things -- and the isolation was too much for me of being a stay at home Mom. I wasn't happy until I got my kids into daycare part time and went back to my art. That was how I achieved my balance. They are in at home care with a great provider and my soul can be fed. I find that I am a much better Mom now that I fill my own well with my work and interaction and then when I am with my kids I really enjoy it. I used to feel like I should be at home and I should be grateful but honestly, I was miserable. If you are struggling, try it, you may just find your perfect balance!

Wow Andrea!...I thought from all you have accomplished and continue to do, that you really have already achieved balance in your life as a mom.
But if you are feeling a bit insecure...that's soooo... normal too.
Who among us whether we're a CEO, or self employed, or a stay at home mom doesn't have an off day or week or month???
In my experience, I still wonder sometimes if as a mom, I'm getting it right. As a teacher I wonder if I'm giving my students all I can. Etc...Etc... the list of worries can go on and on if I let it.
I think sometimes you, (and all moms) need to be a bit selfish. We are better moms when we take time for ourselves.
I find that doing adult thing like putting on my makeup, calling a friend, taking an excercise class, going out for a Margarita with "the girls" or checking out an art gallery by myself...really goes along way towards making me a better, happier person overall.
Then when I recharge my own batteries, I can give my daughter, and my work my best.
So be selfish. Hire a sitter. Take baby steps, but do things just for you.
You will find your own definition of balance.
If anybody can do this with grace and finesse...you, my dear can!
Blessings.... Julia :)

I truly think that you speak to the heart of many mothers when you are so honest with your own heart like that.

Balance is a verb for me.... it comes and goes.....

There is something to be said for finding and/or creating a tribe with the like minded mama's you find around you. Early in my parenting I decided it was important to me to find friends to journey together with me on my parenting path. It didn't feel do-able on my own.

I found my tribe- a gathering of kindred women whose kids span about a 10 year range. We have created and manifested many things for ourselves over the years we have been together.... we established a baby-sitting co-op, we have had mama's night out, which evolved into a more sacred feeling "circle", some of us home school, some of us sing and make music together.... it's a sisterhood and our children bought us together.

I feel like finding my tribe has so helped me find more balance in my life. I would highly recommend it!

i am not sure one ever finds the balance of life before babies. life has changed and will never be the same. it morphs into something different. it's not about "us" anymore.
it can be sad and hard but realizing that this is "it" has helped me. all moms have this, we learn to live our lives around the babies. but where do we find "us" the time for "us"...

time is my issue. it seems like my "to do" list never ends and at the end of the day i am too tired for "me". i think it's acceptance and a nanny and a house cleaner and a driver and a...
really it's just me, i am all those things and more! no wonder there is not time for "me"

thank goodness we LOVE our children and sacrifice and hopefully have had a round enough crazy, dizzy life to just BE!!!!!

i have 2 under 3, i assume it gets a little better when they go to school...at least there is 9-3!

you should see what it is like having 2 boys under 3, wow! i feel like i should have a referee shirt on at all times!

it is the fabric of our life...

I finally feel a balance, but it's taken almost twelve years of parenting to get there.

For me it's been partly about letting go of the old me, of the party girl, the "hip and cool" girl and accepting that life is different. I can go longer and longer between events of high excitement and really just enjoy being at home.

I imagine it's harder if your work is in the home (as yours is with your jewellry). My part-time job keeps me connected with other folks and interests.

Of course the thing with parenting is that it is constantly changing and so you have to also, so sometimes the balance is thrown out again - like when my eldest started getting into rock music and I started yearning for a rockin' night out again.

Other mums help, talking and openess is key - avoid the perfectly happy mummies, they make you feel inadequate but also the moaning mummies, they'll just bring you down - balance again.

You'll get there.

My first thoughts go like this. What are we doing in these pods? Hmmm...I've thought about this alot. I was very fortunate in the beginning to have family a few miles away. A brother and sister in law with a little girl only 9 months older than my oldest. So I had mentors, and a little one to learn from while I was pregnant and later, until we moved to New Mexico 3 years later. My in laws are supportive, loving and constantly trying to serve others in any way they can. Really, they made our transition into parenthood magical. I did not feel isolated, lonely or overwhelmed until my first was almost 3 and my husband's new job and pregnancy(among other life challenges) tried me to the limit. Fortunately, I knew what to do. I regularly invited other mother friends and their similar aged children for simple dinner potlucks where we'd work together in the kitchen while the children played, then eat together and play/visit more. In Mothering Magazine I read an article that describes what I experienced in those first years. Last time I looked it could be found by going to Mothering Magazine on line, and searching for "article on tribes" or something like that. The article was about mothers deliberately sharing their daily life together. The long hours of quiet days with children. Sharing the cooking, cleaning, support...real life. I am not internet savvy so don't know how to create a link for this article, but I highly recommend finding it. When we moved, I realized the loneliness that I'd heard mothers talk about. Since I had experience to draw from, I immediately started making supportive friendships with other mothers and spending as much time together as our children would allow. I believe this practice has been life saving for our family. Families, mothers, spending real time learning from each other, becoming intimately involved in each other's well being...this is the only sane why I know of to be balanced as new parents. Really all the way along in life.

In Afrikaans, my home language, we have a saying (and I quote directly)...''I'm going to throw a stone in the water'', which means I'm going to say something which is not about the topic, but is about the topic...but is going to 'rimple' the water....

I don't know how to say it....than to just say it...I was wondering if I really need to say it...and then thought you, Andrea, (the way I know you through your words) would have wanted to hear it....and I'm saying it with so much love because you have been such an inspiration for me...there are many women who would give EVERYTHING to be in your position...

which ever 'me' you are...treasure it...love it...which ever part feels 'unfulfilled'...embrace it! Embrace your life, every aspect of it....(and here is the stone)...we would do ANYTHING to have a child...whether our own/adopted...anything...We want to have 10 children...I'm saying it with love....love....love....embrace your life, wherever you are! :-)

I know exactly what you're talking about.

I haven't found the balance yet, but my second baby is only 8 months old, and I know I am still under the weight of the hormones and the lack of sleep and the completely dependent little one. I had the same problem with my first, and didn't come out from under that weight until he was about 9 months old... then I got pregnant again, and had to start all over.

But one thing I did learn the second time around is to not be so hard on myself, and allow whatever needs to happen in my life to happen without feeling like I SHOULD be doing something. Whether that is washing the dishes or writing my book or being able to understand what it is my toddler wants from me.

It's hard work to be a mom, and hard work to be an artist, and the whole balance is so tenuous. Lately, I've been thinking of it more as riding the wave... not fighting as it drags me under, but allowing the motion of the ocean to take me where it is I have to go.

I've been writing about this very issue on my blog, if you want to take a look. http://www.warriorgirl.blogspot.com

I think you recommended a great book I am reading now--Momma Zen:
http://www.mommazen.com/

Anyway, I'm paraphrasing but she says that it was easy to feel like she really had her shit together when she didn't have a child--the day might be a little yoga, some reading, checking blogs, nice dinner with friends and a loving husband. Then having a child shakes that all up--suddenly you don't have it all together. It's a bit of a shock. I think we have an idea of a tidy life (especially we moms (me) who waited until the last minute to become mothers.) I was very accustomed to my quiet peaceful lifestyle. Anyhoo, I thought it was important to put a lot of energy into caring for my daughter when she was so little. As my friend calls it, we are "filling them up for life." ANd then, little by little, they start venturing out into the world by themselves and you can do your thing. Separation--its the theme of toddlerhood.

That said, you still have to take care of yourself, right? I mean, it feels good. I find that scheduling something and pre-paying (important) for it is the way to make sure I keep the date. Your post about doing something scary inspired me to sign up for a class at UCLA every Tuesday. Sure, someone else has to put my daughter to bed and free babysitting is hard to come by, but so far I'm going and trying to do my homework which is also creative and fun.

Oh yes, I've been there, even though I was never a full-time stay-home mom. I've always worked outside the home at least part time (10 hours a week when my kids were very small). Adjusting to my firstborn's infancy was overwhelming at times. I was so afraid of making mistakes! And of course I made many. :)

My childhood best friend had a baby almost exactly a year before me. She would send me pictures of her daughter that were taken at just a few weeks older than whatever my own daughter's age was at the time. I remember one I received when my daughter was around 7 months old - it was of R. cruising the furniture. On the back, my friend had written, "Eventually, they turn into little people."

It was a small thing, but at the time it was so hopeful and encouraging for me. It made me realize that the challenging, physically demanding infant stuff is short-lived.

I also remember her telling me that between the tough days, there are good days. Notice those good days, and remember during the tough ones that there will be other good days to come. At some point, you start noticing that the good days outnumber the tough ones.

My daughter is 16 now (I also have a 13-year-old son), and let me tell you, it's wonderful being their mom. Achieving some sort of balance has kind of been my life's theme song, and I finally feel like I'm learning the tune.

Enjoy your beautiful life!

As an aspiring mama, I've found comfort in your words and these comments.

I also had to laugh because working from home can also get awfully lonely and I already find myself going to Target and Whole Foods as my big adventure of the day!

Thank you, dear girl. xo

thank you for writing this, a.
it felt like you just hugged my heart.
i can relate to what you are saying greatly,
for different reasons of course. ;)

for the record,
balance or no balance-
one thing is quite clear to me:

you still twinkle.
and nothing can tarnish or dimish that shine
in you.

bless you for sharing your journey,
xx
mccabe

No. I've actually given up finding the balance. Instead, I just makes sure not too much time goes by before I do something I really enjoy for me ... so I'm back at law again, but as soon as my inlaws leave, I'm setting aside some alone time to write. Every day, i pull out my camera. once in a while, I take my daughter out for just mommy-and-me time. And I try not to let too much time go by before we get a babysitter and I spend some time with my husband.

Instead of finding "balance," I just spend some time connecting with all the various "MEs" I've loved in the past. Sort of like you did with SARK. It seems to be working.

Best of luck to you, beautiful mama (and hope you guys weren't too freaked out by yesterday's earthquake!).

K.

In a word: no. I'm still new at this (my son is not yet 2 years old), but it seems that like many things in life, it's less about balance than it is about making time when you can find it. Each element has its day in the sun, or at least its few hours. I believe now that when you become a parent, something will ALWAYS suffer for lack of time and energy. That sounds more dreary than I mean it; perhaps a better way is to say that I'm learning to accept that there's no way I can do or be everything I want to, and I have to do a lot of prioritizing and rearranging. It's an ongoing project. You are definitely not alone in this, Andrea, and I wish I had had the courage to publicly discuss my own sense of loneliness and disconnection when my son was younger. I applaud your willingness to take that risk. Hang in there! Much love, Emma

I don't think you ever find this balance. You lose balance and it comes back. In various forms. I get frazzled over and over again and continuously strive to become stronger, less vulnerable to stress and anger.

Little by little, I regain strength. I don't completely lose it, but I become untied. I find the balance again, but it's not a one-size-fits all sort of thing, if that makes sense.

Well, no, not yet, but I feel like I'm getting there. (I take a long time to fully adapt to change, so don't feel discouraged.) If you could see how many books I have that address finding such a balance, though, you'd know how often this issue comes to the forefront of my mind. ;)

Hi Andrea! Had to respond because I used to feel very much the same way at times and really had to do a lot of searching and meditation to figure some things out before I got myself to a place where I don't feel that way anymore.

I think that one of the reasons so many new mothers feel exactly what you are describing is because we are part of a generation where it wasn't really ever a thought that you would be just a 'mom' when you grew up. Not so long ago teenage girls were constantly exposed to what a 'domestic' life would be as they grew up. It's rare to see an adolescent today who looks at any of the activities of daily living and not think, ugh! Why can't we find beauty and fulfillment in these moments, what is wrong with being a person who supplies for the family, if not financially in every other way possible.

Often we as new mothers get so caught up in looking forward to that next stage. Enjoy it for what it is, an amazing opportunity to influence a life. Every parent is blessed to be part of this persons life for ultimatley it is theirs and we are just a spoke in the wheel that helps to get it rolling. Without the spokes the wheel may not roll correctly but it will still be its own wheel.

Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water.

Enjoy it all. Live in the moment as much as possible. Truly SEE it right now.

It's easy to put every one else's perceived needs before our own, and to minimize how important maintaining our creative lifelines are. We don't have anything to give to others when our creative coffers are empty, so it's actually an investment in the world ar large to get out of the house and be the non-mom part of ourselves on a regular basis. Only cultural conditioning would have us believe that it's not necessary.

It does get easier to balance it all as they get a bit older....my little one is two and has no problem playing in the room right next to me with her dolls while I work on my buisness venture from time to time. I still can interact and talk with her, but I am able to get some work done to further my passion and what i hope to be a career down the road during normal hours of the day (aka, not 2am when the rest of the world is tucked into bed :). The good thing for you is, is that you have established yourself as an amazing artist and photographer before having a little one, so when the time does come when he is a little less dependant on 24/7 attention and you have more time for you, getting back into the swing of things should be a breeze :)

This rings so true. Somehow you always manage to say what's in my head (that I haven't managed to articulate yet).

I haven't found balance - just moments that approach it like the one you mentioned. Times when I remember "me". And then I feel guilty complaining/lamenting, because I know how lucky I am to have this baby (8 months) and to have the opportunity to stay at home with her. But sometimes I feel lonely and disconnected. It's nice to read the comments that it gets a bit easier as they get older though. I'm looking forward to being a mom who can focus more on the things that nourish me (as you said) as well as on my girl.

I come from a slightly different perspective...in being that I am expecting a child for the first time. Along with the worries felt by mothers-to-be, I find myself worrying about these things (the personal things) and wondering how I can avoid feeling lost, feeling isolated and feeling like an amateur at everything I do.

Although I know this does not help you, this post helps me realize that this feeling of transition is something that EVERYONE goes through, regardless of age, geography and personal situation. It's reminding me that I need to prepare not only for an extra being in my life but also for how this being is going to change my life...and for these feelings (without being paranoid about them) and expect the unexpected.

I truly appreciate the candor and honesty that you've been able to share with us through this incredible new journey in your life.

oh, honey I wish I could tell you I'd had...I search for it daily. I search for that balance of life with child and life away from child...it's so intertwined. I feel so many of the same things and I just hope and pray we can indeed find this balance or just moments of balance if that's what it takes :)

xo

No. Haven't found it. Everything you said about the way you feel? I feel that way and I'm a working fulltime outside the house mom. I work in a vast cubeland where most of my group is in another city. And feel just like you. Not enough time for the self I used to be. So I don't think it's just a stay at home mom thing. That's all I can add.

Hi Andrea,

I know exactly how you feel.

It took me a year and a half to feel like my old self again. Soon Ben will be a little more self-sufficient. This time goes by so quickly (pre-toddler)…though when you're right in the middle of it, it doesn't always feel that way. In no time he'll be able to self-play and will be more independent. I promise it will come. You will feel like your old self again soon…but even better because you have a little person to show all this beauty to.

Hi Andrea,

I know exactly what you're talking about. It took me a year and a half to feel like my old self again. Soon Ben will be a little more self-sufficient. This time goes by so quickly (pre-toddler)…though when you're right in the middle of it, it doesn't always feel that way. In no time he'll be able to self-play and will be more independent. I promise it will come. You will feel like you're old self again soon…but even better because you have a little person to show all this beauty to.