December 04, 2007

progress

mapleleaves.jpg
maple leaves, Berkeley,CA, point and shoot

What's on my mind today are the ways in which motherhood has turned me into the person I COULDN'T TOLERATE before now. For starters, I used to be a compulsively early person. I inherited this from my parents who are also compulsively early. Dinnner at 8? They will arrive at 7:30 at the restaurant looking mildly annoyed that you didn't arrive sooner. Going to the airport? They will arrive FOUR HOURS in advance.

I am also this way, although not to such an extreme. I will wait in the car so as to not arrive too early. I will drive somewhere, park and go window shopping until just before the appointment. Matt has to bargain with me to leave the house later so we aren't the dorky first guests at the party. (I LOVE being the dorky first guest!)

Not only am I obnoxiously early, but I CAN'T STAND IT when others are late. I am even a little bit smug about it all and regularly go on "I can't believe they are late AGAIN!" tirades.

Anyway, all of that flew out the window almost exactly one year ago.

I woke up one day and realized that I am now that person I couldn't stand. I show up late. I cancel at the last minute. I am too busy and forget to call. I fall out of communication. I don't return emails. I leave the oven on, I let the toast burn, I let lunch burn, I let dinner burn, I forget everything.

I actually stood up my coach for not one but two coaching calls this month. As a coach myself, this is extra mortifying to me. I know what it's like when a client is late or flakes. I would huff and puff and consider firing them. Don't they respect me and my time? Aren't they invested in this coaching process? How hard is it to pick up the phone at a designated time?!! This is why their life isn't working! I would think.

Did I mention that I am now that person?
Oh my.

I know this lesson is not over.

I know I will eventually have the opportunity to become (if only for a moment) everything I can't tolerate in others. I will be the mom yelling at her kids in the grocery aisle. I will be the crazy girl you can't get away from at the party. I will be the annoying relative. I will be the a-hole on the cell phone at the restaurant. I will be all these things and more.

I believe there is a point to all of this. Something about compassion. Until we can be with our own imperfections and our own failures we won't be able to be with others'. We have all of it in us; the meanie, the judge, the negative nelly, the martyr, the jealous friend... I want to be able to be with all of those parts...not to make them wrong but to notice them, and teach Ben that to be human is to be beautifully imperfect.

I was talking with SARK about all of this and she remembered this incredibly fitting quote: "Until we have become that which we are demonstrating against, we will have made no progress." -Thich Nhat Hanh

I suppose I am making progress.

Posted on December 4, 2007 06:13 PM
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Posted by: Jerome at August 16, 2009 08:13 PM

HAHAHA! I am SO that person too!

Not that I was ever all the punctual, but having kids is the great equalizer!

At least for those of us who are imperfect, of whose ranks I am now a card-carrying member!

Posted by: Andrea at December 11, 2007 11:54 PM

My husband was cured of chronic early or exactly on time arrivals when our dinner-party hostess answered the door, dripping, in her bathrobe with a towel on her head. On the other hand, when we go to certain friends' houses (former military), we know that five o'clock means five o'clock, not five-fifteen or five-thirty.

I have done so many things I never thought I would do, both before and since becoming a parent. I'm starting to gracefully say, "I used to think X, but now Y." You never know what life is going to throw at you, so it's best not to be too absolutely sure about anything except love and kindness, in my opinion.

Posted by: Paula at December 11, 2007 12:51 PM

We're totally the dorky first guests, too. Hahahahaha. We've tried to curtail that since we started to realize how, well, dorky it was.

Great to run into you the other day.

Posted by: VDog at December 9, 2007 09:48 PM

Your post resonated with me. I'm reading "The dark side of the light chasers" by Debbie Ford. It's all about our shadow selves and the bits of ourselves that we deny. One line from the book, "Your life will be transformed when you make peace with your shadow".

Posted by: vanillasky at December 8, 2007 02:39 AM

and that is precisely why we love you! Because this is what make YOU! xx

Posted by: Lin at December 7, 2007 01:39 PM

I found a similar thing happening...and we don't even have kids yet ;). Just becoming involved in a relationship and getting married put me in the position of being "one of THOSE couples". I despised people like me. All that mushy stuff I thought I hated was suddenly making me smile. Flowers? Sure. Making out in the park? Hell yes.

Posted by: heather espana at December 7, 2007 12:29 PM

Isn't THAT the truth. My children have taught me the deeper meaning of "never say never" and for this, I am very grateful.

I've come to like the newer me, the one that's late (sometimes) and cancels things (sometimes) and the one, too, who is more likely to say yes to unexpected things, to handle change and uncertainty with more grace than before, the woman who is more likely to forgive and to accept and to celebrate. It's a kinder, gentler version of the me from before. Did I mention my gratitude?

Posted by: jennifergg at December 7, 2007 12:22 PM

beautifully put.

Posted by: maggie at December 7, 2007 09:21 AM

wow--thank you for your words today! I have been very judgemental in my life, and hid it from myself and others as much as possible--but in the last few years I've watched myself BECOME those things I dislike. Now, whenever I judge someone, I'm scared what I'll do next. Lesson: compassion for myself and everyone else in all our glorious enfuriating human-ness.

Posted by: jen g at December 7, 2007 08:09 AM

ooh my, really enjoyed this post and especially got into the responses-- can relate to Catherine to a freakish degree. I used to stress so much about 'being on time' (and really would turn up 15 minutes early) that I'd wind myself up into a tight little ball of nervous energy. I used to be like this a lot: a boyfriend I once had used to reverse the well known adage and say 'Laura, don't just do something, sit there'

Starting to mellow a bit. A little bit. A teensy bit. Sort of.

Posted by: Laura at December 6, 2007 08:57 PM

Or as we say: perfect as you are.

Posted by: Karen at December 6, 2007 08:02 PM

ha! this post kind of made me cringe because i have been for most of my life the person you could not tolerate and am now becoming the opposite! i was rebelling against my way tooooo early step-father in my mind & am now joining him on the early birdness. such a balance it all is this life.
xo,
mati

Posted by: matirose at December 6, 2007 06:25 PM

And sometimes you have to wait until much later to see how good you really were. I just watched videos of me and my kids from 20 years ago, and although I tend to remember the mistakes rather than the amazing stuff I did, I now have to admit that I was a very loving, mostly attentive, happy mother.

Posted by: Sunny at December 6, 2007 06:07 PM

Thank you for sharing this! I too was the early person and HATED IT when others were late. Now, a year after my son was born, I can't remember where I just set down my coffee 30 seconds ago much less that I was supposed to be somewhere or make a phone call or turn in a paper at school. Happy Birthday to Ben!

Posted by: Nancy at December 6, 2007 05:31 PM

I love the quote. I've heard it another way: "That which you resist, persists."

Posted by: Mark at December 6, 2007 03:07 PM

OH GOD. I am that person who has to be super early or I flip out. I also judge those who can't seem to get their acts together. I feel so much more relaxed when I am early and not rushing to find parking or stuck in traffic. I'd rather be early and deal with the wait. However, I've been learning to lighten up, leave later, and not worry so much about it all. I find that this feels better in my skin and in my heart. I was rushing to be early with the same frantic energy of someone who is rushing because they are late. What use is it - if it still causes stress. I love the quote you posted and what you are saying about learning to embrace all parts of yourself without judgement. Thank you for sharing this with us. It helps me.

Posted by: Catherine at December 6, 2007 11:22 AM

OH GOD. I am that person who has to be super early or I flip out. I also judge those who can't seem to get their acts together. I feel so much more relaxed when I am early and not rushing to find parking or stuck in traffic. I'd rather be early and deal with the wait. However, I've been learning to lighten up, leave later, and not worry so much about it all. I find that this feels better in my skin and in my heart. I was rushing to be early with the same frantic energy of someone who is rushing because they are late. What use is it - if it still causes stress. I love the quote you posted and what you are saying about learning to embrace all parts of yourself without judgement. Thank you for sharing this with us. It helps me.

Posted by: Catherine at December 6, 2007 11:21 AM

OH GOD. I am that person who has to be super early or I flip out. I also judge those who can't seem to get their acts together. I feel so much more relaxed when I am early and not rushing to find parking or stuck in traffic. I'd rather be early and deal with the wait. However, I've been learning to lighten up, leave later, and not worry so much about it all. I find that this feels better in my skin and in my heart. I was rushing to be early with the same frantic energy of someone who is rushing because they are late. What use is it - if it still causes stress. I love the quote you posted and what you are saying about learning to embrace all parts of yourself without judgement. Thank you for sharing this with us. It helps me.

Posted by: Catherine at December 6, 2007 11:21 AM

I love this post. I have also been making extra effort to embrace those parts of myself that are not perfect. In fact, I have ENCOURAGED the imperfections to come out and play more often than I usually feel comfortable with. I have made a conscious effort to be a bit more flaky and a bit less on the ball....so I say, carry on with your imperfect self!! It doesn't matter what you do, you'll always be fabulous. xoxo

Posted by: Swirly at December 6, 2007 08:51 AM

and isn't it awesome that we are given lessons and are able to progress at our own pace... sometimes I think if the universe was as hard on us as we are on ourselves, and each other for that matter, well, I can't actually imagine what might happen, but the thought is scary... love the TNH quote at the end

Posted by: Liz at December 6, 2007 08:28 AM

great post!
it gave me pause to think.
and so is larry craig making progress?! :)
it is all about being gentle with ourselves, and being compassionate for others. not holding people in contempt, not judging. "There, but for the grace of God, go I" . thanks for this post!

Posted by: chrissy at December 6, 2007 08:26 AM

There's no hope for me then! :-)
This is great to hear, the things people don't mention after having a baby.
I tend to judge people by how clean their homes are because I'm neurotic about having a clean house. It's not clean all the time, but when I clean I REALLY clean and I love it.

Posted by: Pamela at December 6, 2007 07:48 AM

I loved this, thank you.

I have found the same thing to be true about my children. They might not be doing XYZ now, but the chances are pretty good that they will do some form of it down the road.

Posted by: stephanie at December 6, 2007 05:42 AM

Your honesty is like a breath of fresh air. Thank you for always sharing your truth... it encourages us all to do the same with ourselves and others.

Posted by: jeanine at December 6, 2007 05:35 AM

beautifully imperfect! How much a relaxing sentence.
I really need to be imperfect without any guilt.
I get tired of being always a nice girl!
Thanks for reminding.

Posted by: Fatemeh at December 6, 2007 01:01 AM

amen, honey...amen!

xo

Posted by: stef at December 5, 2007 11:55 PM

i love this post. i've been thinking about a lot of the same stuff lately, but you really put it into words quite beautifully. thank you.


Posted by: samin at December 5, 2007 11:18 PM

You know what is so funny, before I had kids...I hate to say it... I was someone who would have driven you completely insane! Late for almost everything! Now, after having two kids, I am on time, let's say, 97% of the time! Maybe it is because I know there is a ton of prep. getting two kids, and my barely-ready-to-go-anywhere, lucky-to have-taken-a shower-self out the door so I over prepare. Funny and amazing how things change isn't it!?!? This is why I like the saying, "Be kind, for everyone is fighting their own battle". Having children helps you see through new eyes. It has taught me to be more compassionate and understanding.

Posted by: Kenzie at December 5, 2007 09:03 PM

Ok so, on our first appointment to the pediatrician with simon, we brought the camera...forgot the diaper bag. that pretty much sums up our last year. there are many things that i thought i would never be, some negative but i have also found some positive....im much more patient now, and much more appreciative. i really appreciate the small things...the first time i picked simon up and he was big enough that he put his arm around my neck and gently touched my neck with his hand.

but then there are days that i get easily anoyed at everything and it seems that nothing is going right. and im reminded...im living not dreaming.

its great, isnt it?

Posted by: Kelly Byrom at December 5, 2007 08:29 PM

Love your thoughts. I have checked your blog regularly for the past year and a half. I always enjoy your posts, thanks for your candid expressions. You are immensely talented, and it sounds like parenthood is forcing you to manifest your strengths in a different way. It's beautiful. Cheers.

Posted by: Jess at December 5, 2007 08:19 PM

I, too, was never late until I had a child. He's three so it's a bit better now - partially because it's easier to get out of the house and partially because I know I have to leave earlier - but I'm still late sometimes. Most of the time, a brief explanation and a heartfelt apology is all I need to get forgiveness. Anyone with kids or has close friends or relatives with kids understands. :)

Posted by: MamaChristy at December 5, 2007 07:44 PM

When I was a high school debater (many many years ago) we had to draw out of a hat which side of any given topic we were taking in the debate. We had to argue that side no matter what we really felt. What a great lesson it turned out to be! We learned that other people have reasons for what they think/ do and don't live or see the world just like us. Its great to step into uncomfortable shoes sometimes even if it feels wrong. You are right that it is the birth place of compassion.

Posted by: umber at December 5, 2007 07:29 PM

When I was a high school debater (many many years ago) we had to draw out of a hat which side of any given topic we were taking in the debate. We had to argue that side no matter what we really felt. What a great lesson it turned out to be! We learned that other people have reasons for what they think/ do and don't live or see the world just like us. Its great to step into uncomfortable shoes sometimes even if it feels wrong. You are right that it is the birth place of compassion.

Posted by: umber at December 5, 2007 07:29 PM

Amazing--this really hit me. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this!

Posted by: Michelle at December 5, 2007 07:10 PM

great progress love:)

I too have become that person....Thanks for sharing the quote at the end. Perfect.

Hugs and love

Posted by: colorsonmymind at December 5, 2007 06:56 PM

great progress love:)

I too have become that person....Thanks for sharing the quote at the end. Perfect.

Hugs and love

Posted by: colorsonmymind at December 5, 2007 06:56 PM

great progress love:)

I too have become that person....Thanks for sharing the quote at the end. Perfect.

Hugs and love

Posted by: colorsonmymind at December 5, 2007 06:55 PM

i swear you just wrote down exactly how i feel!!!
i HATE it when people are late + when they cancel plans. and i hate that i am that person sometimes now.

i posted a link to this on my blog. people need to read this.

have an amazing day.

xx
jill

Posted by: jill s at December 5, 2007 06:51 PM

Andrea-

It is true when they say "A baby changes EVERYTHING", is it not? Believe me I know. Mine is 3. Try to be forgiving of yourself, you are a superhero for keeping a blog, creating glorious jewelry (I love my chlorine necklace, thanks for the email!). Motherhood is humbling in that we have to learn to love and forgive ourselves because some days it is hard to just keep your head above water. You are perfect in your imperfections! I bet Ben thinks you hung the moon and the stars. See yourself thru his eyes.

Paige

Posted by: Paige at December 5, 2007 05:55 PM

What a great post! I feel the same way. I'm the mom who can't hold a grown-up conversation on the phone without stopping every five minutes to yell at my 4 year-old.

Posted by: Stacy at December 5, 2007 05:46 PM

As always, your writing has made me feel a little more "normal" and less "am I the only one who feels this way?" I love what you said about being beautifully imperfect.

Posted by: Jamie at December 5, 2007 05:44 PM

Mommy brain! Or thats what my mother friends and I call it. I even get a case of it watching their kids. Your brain just thinks in circles when watching little ones, not in lines. But it's so so ok. Happy first birthday to little Ben. What a year it must have been for you all.

Posted by: Meg at December 5, 2007 05:28 PM