Wonderful post! And the photo of Jen is breathtaking! So glad we got to meet at our brunch - just sorry there wasn't more time to chat. I keep hearing amazing things about you from Alex, Marianne, et al.

Oh, the freespirit gypsy would make an appearance more. I think I tend to do what is expected of me and in the end, I am usually disappointed because I was not more authentic. Well, over the past few years, seven to be exact, my spirit has been in a rebellious uproar. It will no longer be silenced or tamed. So, I am growing into my authenticity and I am loving that. It is not easy all days, but it feels real most days.

Wow, this was an amazing post.

I love your intuitive hits...they are always spot on! xoxo

this is such a good question andrea. and the timing of it is perfect.
im going to sit with this one for awhile....
and let it be said, big or little sister, im just glad you are one of mine either way :)
xoxox

I thought of you when I wrote on what my life was like before fear, and then I saw your post. How timely.

Thanks, as always for your thoughtfulness from another 5'3" superhero!

Colleen

Hi Andrea!

Such a great post...it brought back incredible memories of the Balance workshop. (It was Balance, right? So much of this lends itself to "what you can 't be with runs your life," too...) One of my classmates gave me a gargoyle knick knack to remind me of what I need(ed) to stretch into as a coach, and it's on my desk to this day!

I, too, am a little sister...of SEVEN. (We're the Brady Bunch plus one; I'm the "plus one.") I'm also petite. It's an interesting place to work through, for sure! It's taken me YEARS to start really feeling like I can refer to myself as a "woman" vs. a "girl." And on the upside, I think being the youngest can be a helpful place to draw from as a coach. For me, it's only when I'm in my shadow that I get tempted to tell people what to do, or to take too much care of them, or be the parent...older sibling kind of stuff. When I'm the awake, conscious, mature me (who also just happens to be a younger--not little--sister), this whole wide open space opens up for exploration, curiosity, imagination, intuition...the being places I completely inhabited as a youngest sibling with lots of love and not much responsibility. I love it!

My mom's the youngest, too, though she's very unconscious about how she still--at 71 years old--is in that role. It's been fascinating to unfold on my own journey of awareness and maturity and to also observe her in her life, too.

THANK YOU for the juicy, inspiring, thought-provoking post!

Laura

hi!!

i love the photo of jen gray - so fun and beautiful!

thank you for the inquiry, just last night I ran a 5k and I never realized how competitive I am! Usually I run solo, so it was fun to be a runner among thousands and push myself to new places.

thank you andrea!

I'm an older sister, and I too find myself living out that role. I'm studying for my masters in social work, and as I learn to do therapy I find that I have to be wrong more than I have ever had to be before. The oldest-sibling in me is so used to being the expert, and my professional self is constantly saying "I could be wrong, but..." or "This is just something I thought of, and you might not agree..."
It is such a challenging and beautiful excercise.

Oh this is such a wonderful post. You sound so much like me, I'm only tiny (smaller than you even) and I have always been a little sister ~ a lot younger than my 2 sisters in fact, but I too am the cute one with a tiny voice and I definitely play this role in life also but I do definitely follow my intuition on everything I do but I know I do have that big voice perhaps I just need to be bigger more often!
Love Alison x

thank you for asking such an interesting question. i found this post both moving and thought provoking. i played the hard working, supportive friend before i slowly (with help) began to realise that i could let other parts of my nature show. discovering that is scary but wonderful.

pps - Seriously!

I loved your post today.

I am realizing now that my intuition is much stronger than I have ever given it credit for. I am learning to express my artistic self despite being told that I am not an artist by those that have meant so much to me in the past. I am learning to believe in myself and my talents. I am stifling my inner sexpot. (beginning to realize the frustration in that as well).

I am trying to teach my daughter to trust her heart and her instinct and seek out whatever passion that makes her joyous. My heart swells with pride when at two and a half, she looks at me and smiles while playing and says "mama, my heart is singing now...". Perhaps I am on the right path...

PS - I am surprised you claim to be 5'3" on a good day - I have always seen you as 6' tall.

Hi Andrea,
I really enjoyed your entry. When I was reading through the dialogue of your coaching session, I was expecting for you to make that guy do pushups or something :o) But really, it made me think about the way I express myself in my different roles; work, big sister, daughter, girlfriend, friend.... and hopefully someday mother and wife. I hope that I can find constancy in my expression throughout these different roles, because I always want to feel like myself. I was curious about your coaching classes - where did you take these? Have a great night!
xox,
Linnea

Hi Andrea,
I really enjoyed your entry. When I was reading through the dialogue of your coaching session, I was expecting for you to make that guy do pushups or something :o) But really, it made me think about the way I express myself in my different roles; work, big sister, daughter, girlfriend, friend.... and hopefully someday mother and wife. I hope that I can find constancy in my expression throughout these different roles, because I always want to feel like myself. I was curious about your coaching classes - where did you take these? Have a great night!
xox,
Linnea

great question!

usually, the vulnerable. but years of pregnancy and breastfeeding hormones gave a temporary cure for that.

lately, the sexy. i used to be a sex pot. not in look, but in attitude. i think i exuded sexy. i certainly thought about i a lot. now i'm just sleepy and worried about my muffin top.

but all cycles...
kim

I was really shocked to read your post just now because I went online feeling frustrated about being stuck in the middle as a middle child! I'm feeling a little confusion now about nurture/nature type issues. Am I feeling this way because I was born into the position of being a middle child or am I just letting my middle child status be an excuse for these feelings? I am trying to just let go and not be bothered by the lack of attention to my needs- and I agree with everything that you say- but I am still going through that painful stage of working through these feelings. I am somewhat inspired by your words- it reminds me that everyone is dealing with their own birth order demons!

what a great post.

as the oldest sibling. I'm generally the caretaker the one making the moves. I hate the roll but endlessly I'm in situations that no one else will step up - so I do it. It's harder to do for myself though. Only in the past year or so have I really realized. Girl, if you don't do it for yourself no one else will.

hard, yet freeing to realize something like that.

what a great post.

as the oldest sibling. I'm generally the caretaker the one making the moves. I hate the roll but endlessly I'm in situations that no one else will step up - so I do it. It's harder to do for myself though. Only in the past year or so have I really realized. Girl, if you don't do it for yourself no one else will.

hard, yet freeing to realize something like that.

I loved this post.

I cannot remember the last time I showed a single soul my vulnerable side. Wow, I'm really going to think about this for a long time... thanks, A!
Jules

Intuition - when I stop listening to it especially when it is 'iriational' then my life goes off track...

I never fail to find something thought provoking in your writing here. I was just mulling over your recent post about crying (whilst realising that I actually "save up" all my emotion and only let it out about once a year!) and then you post this. It is another reminder to me that I need to acknowledge the existence of all the bits of me, even those tucked very deep inside that I keep well hidden. Thank you ):

I loved this little essay! I remember when I met you and Ben was just 6 months old or so you were talking about this. It's so funny, because I, ever the older sister have zero problems making executive decisions. My fiance (and sister) would probably say that my little sister needed more air time... but... yeah. That's not so much going to happen. ;)

I, like Terri above, am an only child [raised by a single mother] and am very independent. My husband sometimes tells me that he feels like I never need him.

it's interesting you talk about this because i've been thinking about this too - i've always been a little sister too and a follower, it's safe for me. When I had Kadison I was in the same place of making decisions for her that I wasn't sure about and knowing it was my job to do that. Unfamiliar territory....

it's interesting you talk about this because i've been thinking about this too - i've always been a little sister too and a follower, it's safe for me. When I had Kadison I was in the same place of making decisions for her that I wasn't sure about and knowing it was my job to do that. Unfamiliar territory....

A book I can recommend you about expressing voices you certainly have but never expressed before: Big Mind, Big Heart, by Dennis Genpo Merzel. (But attending a Big Mind session and really experiencing the process yourself, is even more recommendable. You can speak with the "Big Sister" in yourself within a split-second, if you want...)

Did you know that "Ben" means "Am" as in "I Am" in Dutch? :)

I am the eldest of 3. My sister is 18 months younger than me, but has always been the more dominant personality of the two of us. I have always felt like the little sister, but in the, "Leave me the hell alone; you being around annoys me!" kind of way, not in the looked after kind of way. As a result I have a hard time asserting myself, especially in interpersonal relationships. I'm afraid of being pushed away for being overbearing or a pest or just plain unwanted. It's something I've recently noticed and will work on.

I'm an only child and I tend to be a control "freak" because of it. I so wish I could let the " I'm helpless" part of me come out once in awhile and let others around me help me as much as I help them.

Make that 5'0"!

I loved this about the CTI training. One of my most vivid moments was walking around wearing a name tag that said, "So me." The part of me I most needed to access, to exaggerate even, was the part that was simply authentic - not compensating or pretending or posturing or scared.

Thanks for writing about this - it's a wonderful post.

xo Jena

btw- I love that photo of Jen!!! Sweet Sweet Beautiful girl! xo

As a little sister, I totally understand what you are saying. I have a hard time making decisions and feeling confident with those that I do make. In my career, I need to feel and show confidence and sometimes it is just. so. scary. And now that we are expecting our first child. Gulp! I'm hoping to step into my confidence a little bit at a time and not push myself. I guess that's all I can ask of myself.

This post is soooo rich and yummy! It resonates to me the other way around, as I am ~ and play ~ the role of the big sister, the caretaker and even the enforcer, most of the time. It's a force I resent sometimes, because there is a softer side that just wants to be nursed and cuddled, even though I usually don't give room for that 'baby girl'' to be noticed in the world. It is interesting to observe with whom each part of me comes through and why I allow that to happen or not too. Finding balance and loving all of our 'bits' (ha! inside joke here!) is definitely the way to go... Something for a lifetime practice indeed! For what it's worth, over here in your blog and in person, you've been nothing but the big sister for me, with all your wisdom and strength. And I would never have guessed your 5'3, cuz your bright energy always makes you stand out in the crowd!

This post really struck a chord with me, especially having just become a Mom with my own little Ben. I feel content in so many ways, after suffering through 3 miscarriages waiting for this child to come into my life, but I think I was surprised to find that having a child is not the only thing I was looking for. In some ways, I am missing parts of myself that don't make it out into the limelight as often. The funky and unique coffeeshop girl is gone somewhere, and in her place is an older, wiser Mom wearing business casual, working at a Health Insurance company. I love my family, I love my job, but I still miss what I used to feel made me, well, me. It's a balancing act. And it's nice to read this post, and think about how I can express different parts of myself, that I am not resigned to just being a boring 9-5er, but can be both that and a unique and creative individual, all at the same time. Thanks for being real.

Ah... this is one I think and work on a lot...even though I am both a big sister and a little sister, my big sister gene has always been more dominant. I attract people who "need" me like a light attracts moths... that is to say, not in a good way. Think about it, what do moths have to offer the light?

I take responsibility for putting out the vibe and attracting those kinds of folks and I recognize that it then makes it even more difficult for me to be vulnerable -- inevitably if I turn to these folks for help in my own life it doesn't turn out well. They feel disappointed and disillusioned and generally say they have no idea what to say to me. I have never been in a position to say, I just don't know what to say. I am a fixer... I fix.

So, I have trouble expressing my need to myself as well as to others. I am desperately afraid of being soft or vulnerable. Though I think of myself as sweet and thoughtful and playful and fun... I fear I more often than not come across as sarcastic, angry, bitter and not very nice.