April 08, 2009
Finding resilience*
cookie sheet carpet burn, Canon Rebel Xti
A little light bulb went off for me recently. A sign of progress, an aha of growth, a rare moment of seeing that all this inner work we do can pay off.
Several months ago, I read Brene Brown's incredible book, I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power
If you tend toward the I am bad, you are probably shame-prone. I definitely fall into that category and after reading her book I started to notice the small ways that this would show up for me. For example, when I would make a mistake like spilling something on the floor, my inner dialogue could go something like this, "You're so stupid! What were you thinking? Idiot!!"
The other night I was cooking with a friend and as I went to put the heavy dish of lasagne into the oven I noticed a cookie sheet that had been stored inside. Drat! I thought, picked it up with my free hand and searched for a place to put this now blazing hot cookie pan down. Since there was no counter space left in the kitchen, I set it down on the living room floor and finished putting the lasagne in. Then I promptly forgot about it.
An hour later I went to retrieve it and noticed something alarming. The pan had melted the carpet into a perfect, cookie sheet size burn mark. I touched it. It was hard, like plastic is hard. I frowned realizing what I had done, but I didn't go to all of the places where I would normally go. In my mind was a calmer sense of, ah well, that sure is a bummer, isn't it? Not the smartest thing I've ever done, but what are you gonna do?
Where normally I would have crafted a better story for my husband, my landlord, my friends who have been gasping at the sight of it, I have been telling the truth in a really uncomplicated way. "Yeah, I put a hot cookie sheet on the floor. Who knew carpet was made of plastic?"
I'm noticing that the truth is not so bad. What's hard are the untruths we tell ourselves every day. You are stupid, you are incompetent, you are not enough.... That is the painful stuff.
I'm so glad I am working with these lessons now, so that Ben might not have to witness me berate myself over and over and might have more compassion for himself and his own foibles. It really is possible to become more shame resilient, and for me it began with simply having the language for shame. This is one of the many gifts of Brene's work.
If you haven't read this book already, or even if you have, I urge you to go to her site and do the read-along with her. (It started on Monday) She even has a podcast to go along with it. Give a listen.. this stuff will change you in the most profound ways.
Posted on April 8, 2009 08:40 PMYou are not enough...
This is one I struggle with on a daily basis.
I wish that nagging little voice in my head had a mute button, I am tired of hearing it and struggle with ways to shut it off.
Posted by: gayle at April 10, 2009 01:45 PMMy Mom says "you idiot!" when she spills something, and "how stupid!" if she has to rip a seam out of her sewing project.
I always tnought she was being so hard on herself. As an adult, I'm sure to mention "hey, watch the language." I don't want my kids hearing Grandma calling *herself* names. What kind of example would is that to set?
When you clarify this distinction I suppose I am merely a guilt person. Inside I truly feel made-by-God good. I didn't realize that perhaps my Mom feels shameful.
Posted by: Molly at April 10, 2009 05:58 AMI love this story.
What a gift that cookie sheet is!
Posted by: Goddess Leonie | Creative Goddess at April 10, 2009 05:41 AMwear that burnt carpet as a badge of honour andrea - congratulations on the self-love!
Posted by: julie at April 9, 2009 09:04 PMI am on this journey with you. Thanks for posting that and for pointing me to Brene's book--I'll check it out. I'v been thinking about what you wrote all day ...the truth is not that bad. I never thought of that and its so true. I also do the same kind of "crafting when I re-tell the events of my day. Thanks for writing this!
Posted by: simone at April 9, 2009 09:01 PMCongratulations! What a wonderful change of direction. Yeah...it sucks, but what're you gonna do? I love that.
Posted by: Wanda at April 9, 2009 07:52 PMCongratulations! What a wonderful change of direction. Yeah...it sucks, but what're you gonna do? I love that.
Posted by: Wanda at April 9, 2009 07:45 PMnicely said, Andrea. wow. thank you for opening your self to all of us that are also on / might join us on -- the Read-Along journey with Brene. by the way, I think that PICTURE HOPE was the best of those entries, and because Kelly Rae posted a blip about visiting your video clip and voting, I did - and I did (vote) - and isn't it lovely how the world can work for the bigger good? there's just NO room for shame in a healed world, is there? sigh.
Posted by: Davielle at April 9, 2009 03:45 PMAh yes! I know both versions of the self-talk and wow, does it feel different when I remember to be as nice to myself as I would be to a friend, or a child who just made a mistake. I'm terribly clumsy because I'm always in a hurry to do things and have no time for paying attention to details like whether the element is hot before I rest my hand on it. I have learned/ am learning to cut myself some slack on that front since I have so many other great qualities. Just like your fabulous self. Right! x
Posted by: Marianne at April 9, 2009 01:56 PMAs always I love your posts. I am a recovering shamer myself.
Your creative carpet makeover could be a great place for a pretty rug or you can patch it:
http://www.thisoldhouse.com/toh/how-to/intro/0,,20255285,00.html
cheers!
Posted by: Melissa at April 9, 2009 12:52 PMI definitely use the "bad" in my self talk. I will check out her sight and possibly see about her book. Thank you for your revealing, personal insight... it helps others! LIke me! :)
Posted by: Lauren at April 9, 2009 11:55 AMI have a tendency to trip and run into things. My inner dialogue used to be "I'm such a freakin' moron, why can't I walk like a normal person, I should just stay inside, I'm such an embarrassment" (etc., etc.) And, then, just like you said, I had this moment of recognizing what I was doing and I decided to make a conscious shift in my reaction. Now, when I trip, I laugh at the silliness (especially when I trip over something tiny or just sort of topple over) and enjoy the humor in the moment and have a good laugh and go about my day. What a different feeling! :)
Posted by: Laura at April 9, 2009 11:55 AMHi Andrea...I ordered that book a couple of days ago, I think all of us women need a book like this. BTW I just ordered another one of your necklaces :) Thanks!
Posted by: Jackie Zepeda at April 9, 2009 11:50 AMthis is just what i needed...thank you. xo
Posted by: emily at April 9, 2009 11:33 AMI never thought of the distinction before, but it makes so much sense.
My self-talk is often like watching a scary movie... It's awful to witness. But it's something I can totally change.
Thank you.
Posted by: Sheila at April 9, 2009 06:58 AMAmen.
Posted by: Puanani at April 9, 2009 06:19 AMits so crazy but i talk that way (negative)to myself but would never allow anyone else talk about themselves that way....
Posted by: Jakki at April 9, 2009 05:27 AMThis post is so very refreshing and inspiring.
Somehow I already knew that carpet was made of plastic but I can't remember how I knew that. My favorite is when I realized that fingernail polish remover melts the finish off the dining room table.
Posted by: Jacki at April 9, 2009 04:53 AMthank you so much for sharing this story, your wise reaction and your experience with Brene Brown's work. i will have to explore that further.
Posted by: amy at April 9, 2009 01:21 AMas always -- sending you much appreciation and gratitude for your willingness to share and your ability to know just what your readers need!
Posted by: Anna at April 9, 2009 12:31 AMIt's amazing how timely your posts can be. I feel the same as Joy -- this couldn't have come at a better time. Thanks for your willingness to share, and your very thoughtful and considerate insights!
Glad Ben is back to his old self !
what a wonderful, hopeful story! thanks for sharing your heart.
dilys
Posted by: dilys at April 8, 2009 10:45 PMThank you. I needed to hear this at the perfect time.
Posted by: Joy at April 8, 2009 09:19 PM