flight

wing and sky, Canon 300D

Flying over Chicago is fun...

tropical flowers

pink flowers, Canon 300D

This photo is the result of a happy accident. I played with the "tv" setting on my camera and the photo came out extremely underexposed, (very dark; the image was almost invisible) but when I set the auto levels in photoshop, this image emerged. I love the effect. It reminds me of the Lomo camera I've always dreamed of getting. The flowers look like they were plucked out of the rainforest, and not sitting in someone's urban garden only inches away from broken bottles and traffic.

Can anyone explain to me how this effect happened?

Off to visit my friend Jen in Chicago this week! We are going to experiment with night photography in her garden...

faith

Gay Pride, San Francisco, Canon 300D

Happy Gay Pride San Francisco!

Photo Friday-Clouds

cloud mirror, Canon 300D

Photo Friday's theme this week is "Clouds"

junk wife bite

Mission St., San Francisco, Canon 300D

"I learn every day of my life,
learn it with pain I am grateful for:
patience is everything."
-Rainer Maria Rilke

S.S. Vallejo

The Vallejo, Sausalito, CA Canon 300D

Only a few days before our lives took an unexpected turn, Matt and I were invited to the most lovely dinner party we'd been to in quite a while. We were told it was on a houseboat in Sausalito, which sounded like fun, but it also sounded crammed and nausea-inducing and I kept wondering how we were going to prepare the stir fry we were shopping for.

When we arrived (see photo above) I was blown away. This was not a regular houseboat. This was The Vallejo and used to be a working ferry boat (about 100 years ago). It is huge and gorgeous both inside and out.

A friendly tabby came to greet me as I walked up the gangplank (good sign) and as I entered I was amazed by the beautiful wood. The floors were caramel (it was the magic hour) and the sun beamed in through the windows. They had art everywhere, a huge kitchen, the biggest wooden dining table I have ever seen and staircases leading to different rooms. It felt very much like a home, but different, like a treehouse or secret portal.

We climed a ladder to the top, where our friend had set up a DJ studio. Ammon played incredible music while we ate guacamole and watched the sun go down.

In the sixties, the Vallejo was a popular hangout among artists and poets because the painter Jean Varda and writer/Zen philosopher Alan Watts lived aboard. At various times you could find Timothy Leary, Allen Ginsberg, Jack Kerouac and Gary Snyder (among others) hanging out there.

I could feel the magic of it. It is one of those places that simply inspires you. It made me fall in love with San Francisco again.

soul of the web

Shotwell St., Canon 300D

New obsessions:
A new photo sharing website called Flickr. You can view the page I started here.

A project called Soul of the Web to celebrate and promote quality personal sites. They have an amazing collection so far. (via Treppenwitz)

"Everything is miraculous. It is a miracle that one doesn't melt in one's bath."
-Pablo Picasso

Photo Friday-Fashion

Sasha, Nikon Coolpix 4500

Photo Friday's theme this week is "Fashion"

This is a photo of my dear friend Sasha that I dug up from the archives. It has always been one of my favorites.

love song

Palace of Fine Arts, Canon 300D

This poem was in Rob Brezsny's newsletter today:

LOVE SONG
by Hafiz
translated by Daniel Ladinsky

I taste what you taste. I know the kind of lyrics your
Soul most likes. I know which sounds will become
Resplendent in your mind and bring such pleasure
Your feet will jump and whirl.

I have no use for divine patience -- my lips are always
Burning and everywhere. I am running from every corner
Of this world and sky wanting to kiss you.

I am rioting at your door;
I am spinning in midair like golden falling leaves
Trying to win your glance.

I am sweetly rolling against your walls and shores
All night, even though you are asleep. I am singing from
The mouths of animals and birds. . . to let
you know the Beautiful Truth.
-Hafiz

Also, a new issue of Blue Eyes Magazine.

comforts

Ocean Beach, Canon 300D

Recent comforts:
-Reading White Oleander (dark and beautiful) and The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time (this fictional story is told from the perspective of a fifteen-year-old boy with autism)

-Laughing so hard we hyperventilated while watching Patton Oswalt at a comedy club. I am a big fan of inappropriate extreme potty humor.

-A daylong meditation retreat with my friend Sara. I didn't last the entire day because I was seduced by the sunny day outside and the promise of a transcendent beach walk. Ironically, when I arrived at Ocean Beach (pictured above) it was so impossibly windy that my ears and eyes immediately filled with sand and my perfect beach walk fantasy crumbled under my bare feet. I suppose I should have brought my Burning Man goggles.

-Celebrating SARK's new book, Make Your Creative Dreams Real at a local bookstore. I am honored to make a cameo appearance in this book!

-Holding Matt's hand.

-I-tunes! and shuffling our entire CD collection while I make jewelry. I have been comforted by my work these days, putting colors together, sending happy bits out into the world.

-Receiving sweet messages from you.

-A perfect poem.

-Knowing I don't need to call or write anyone back these days. The freedom of trusting my friendships enough to be silent.

Photo Friday-Journey

road perspective, Canon 300D

Photo Friday's theme this week is "Journey"

Wow. All I have to say is you guys are truly amazing. I was overwhelmed and deeply moved by all of the comments. Thank you for your wishes and blessings, for your sacred stories and poetry, for your care and your kindness.

Several of you reminded me that with great sorrow comes great joy. I know this is true, but of course it's hard to see when you are still going through it. Your thoughtful words gave me little windows into that joy and I thank you for it.

For a time that feels so unlucky, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

*
A beautiful quote that Jill passed along:
"I want to unfold. I don't want to stay folded anywhere, because where I stay folded, there I am a lie." -Rilke

grief

origami, Canon 300D

I’ve debated about writing this for days. How much should be said on a blog?

But I am reminded that sharing our stories helps us feel less alone. My friend Jen once said to me, “Your honesty frees up little bits in me.” And in the spirit of that, in the hope that maybe this entry will free up little bits in you, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

This week has been one of the hardest I’ve known. I was 2 1/2 months pregnant. (Read: joyous, beaming, dreams come true, feeling blessed beyond belief) and then began to miscarry early last week. The last many days have been spent full of grief, tears, curled up in bed in pain, amazed by all the blood.

Mine was a common type of miscarriage (they say it happens in 1 out of 4 to 5 pregnancies) but our sadness is still overwhelming. No matter how many people this has happened to, it has never happened to us. We have never felt this particular kind of pain.

A friend reminded me of the Jewish tradition of sitting Shiva. When someone dies, the family opens their home for a week and receives visitors. Guests fill their home with beautiful food and conversation and remind the family of how loved and supported they are.

This is a different kind of death, but still requires a grief process. Opening our home and not isolating ourselves during this time has helped us to grieve. We didn’t know we would want to talk about it. We didn't know we would want to answer the phone. But every call, every note, every lasagna and home-baked cookie has made a difference. Every kindness feels like a tremendous gift, each gesture so potent.

I share this news a bit tentatively, but with the hope that it will serve someone else today or in the future. We are not meant to go through our grief completely alone.

My friend Sara reminded me of a lesson she learned from her teacher named Norman Fischer. As they sat in meditation, he spoke about pain, and the discomfort of sitting for long periods of time. He reminded them to notice not only the pain, but also that there were other sensations present as well. How do the tips of your toes feel? Are they tingly? How does your forehead feel? Are you cool or warm?

Pain has the ability to transform when we are willing to see the whole picture. I have used this metaphor a lot this week. When I was going through intense physical pain, I would remind myself to relax into it and not resist it. I’d think about my toes and the tips of my fingers. When I was feeling emotional pain, I tried to also notice the heat of the sunshine on my face, the gift of cold root beer in my hand, and the joy of a beautiful friend seated in front of me.

There are also moments when we just feel deeply sad.

Matt and I were unsure about whether to keep our pregnancy a secret until the first trimester was over. All of the books seem to suggest this. Our instinct however was to share the good news, to celebrate it, to claim it, and not live from this place of fear. We decided that if something happened, we would want our friends to share in our grief as well as our joy. For us, this proved to be the right path. It helped us heal.

Miscarriage is somehow taboo to discuss in public. Believe me, I understand how private it is, but my heart breaks at the thought of so many women and couples grieving alone, feeling isolated in their pain, not wanting to burden anyone with this news, or not sure if people would understand.

We are all different, but I am grateful that my community grieved along with us. I am grateful we opened our doors and our hearts. I am grateful for the love that poured in. I am grateful to know that we are not alone in this journey.

And I know that one day we will celebrate. We will celebrate so hard and so joyously that the world will shake.

Photo Friday-Landscape

urban landscape, Canon 300D

Photo Friday's theme this week is "Landscape"

Thank you all for your comments on the last post. It seems we should talk about dreams more often!

Gorgeous undersea photos by Narelle Autio.