cotton ball sky

cotton ball sky, Canon 300D

"People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long course of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering."
-St. Augustine

Photo Friday - Sunset

bird flying at sunset, Canon 300D

Photo Friday's theme this week is "Sunset."

Michael

Michael Bernard Loggins, Canon 300D

What I did yesterday to change my life for the better was visit Michael Bernard Loggins at Creativity Explored. We figured out that we've been friends for 6 years or more now and no matter how long it's been since I've visited him, he always leaps out of his seat with a huge grin, shouts "Andrea!!!" and gives me the biggest squeeze.

He asked me how I was and I said, "I've had my ups and downs..." And he smiled and said, "It's like that song by a lady called Esther Williams, "Everybody in the world's got their ups and downs" and then he laughed out loud and high-fived me.

And somehow I felt better...

Fagan's Cross

Fagan's Cross, Hana, Maui, Canon 300D

Rob Brezsny's current newsletter poses the following question: "What's the single thing you could do right now that would change your life for the better?"

rusty

rusty something, Canon 300D

A big thank you to everyone who helped me with my comment spam tsunami. I still have some things to sort out, but there is hope! So thanks for being so generous with your knowledge.

In the meantime {while I continue deleting until my fingers cramp} you can enjoy some half baked ideas, adventure tales from the road , and some musical delights.

Also, if you have a photoblog and would like to be part of a book, visit my friend Chris Colin. He is putting together a book called Citizen Journalist about we photobloggie types. You will like him. Go tell him why you do what you do. He has a book deal and everything. And he is so nice.

help me fix my blog

spackling paste, Canon Eos

I've had a most unfortunate morning today of receive 1,078 comments on my blog from evil spammers {with no heart or soul} and only porn sites to show for themselves. I have been going in and hand-deleting them, but I have hundreds more to go... Needless to say, I'm yanking my hair out with this one.

I use mt-blacklist and checked out the support forum on Movable Type. Apparently others are having the same problem! But I haven't heard any solutions yet.

Is anyone else having this problem? Does anyone know how to fix it? If this continues I won't be able to have a comments section at all.

And I would miss you.
I really would.

Photo Friday - Mother

Kim, Canon Eos

Photo Friday's theme this week is "Mother."

before the rainstorm

Chris on the bluffs, Hana, Maui, Canon 300D

Sometimes I am fascinated by what a picture says and what it doesn't say. The above photo is of my dear friend Chris Harrington. He is taking us on a tour of the bluffs across the street from his house in Hana and we are all speculating about the looming rain clouds. Will they pass us by? Should we turn around? Does it matter?

This picture doesn't tell you what happened after the rainclouds, that within seconds we were caught in a dumping, soaking, torrential downpour. It doesn't show us giddy, laughing, blinded by all the water, running back to the house. I haven't jogged in about 15 years and I am winded but happy, holding my camera under my t-shirt that is getting more and more transparent. I feel like the cheesy dancing/crying/kissing-in-the-rain moments of Hollywood movies. For the first time in my life, I can see why the concept is so appealing and that it is actually plausible. {I had always thought of these scenes as complete fiction}

This picture may not tell you that Chris is one of my dearest friends on Earth and that he is one of those people that creates life wherever he goes {he is a walking celebration} and is so wise that you may never know he is dispensing wisdom. This picture doesn't tell you that at Burning Man a couple of years ago, Chris suddenly picked up my friend Sasha and walked with her in his arms saying, "Everyone needs a break once in a while..."

From this picture, you might not know that he is a Buddha in disguise.

*
If I showed you a picture of the waterfall we hiked to the next day, it would tell you a story of beauty, of magnificence, of magestic tropical awesomeness. You wouldn't know what the photo didn't tell. You wouldn't know that we had lunch on a hill across from it, and that, only a few moments after the shot, we heard a cracking so loud that all of our breath immediately stopped. It was the unmistakable sound of the earth splitting open.

We looked up to see a cliff above us and an avalanche of rocks pouring down.

Panicked, I duck-and-covered {I am a California girl, what can I say? It's all I know how to do} and prayed that we wouldn't die... I felt Matt lay his body over me, protecting me. Then I heard him say, "We have to get down the hill fast!" and so we ran down the muddy slope, sliding much of the way {I have horrendous multi-colored bruises on my legs}. When we were all down and safe, I immediately burst into tears.

Chris, who had fallen down the hill behind us, did a complete somersault and we almost lost him off the cliff (thank God I did not see this). We were all shaking as we hiked home, but in regular Chris Harrington fashion, he laughed the whole way back...

Hawaii, in seven colors

plumeria bloom, Hana, Maui, Canon 300D

It's so difficult to put into words what we experienced in Hana... Should I talk about the scent of pink plumeria blooms in the yard? Or the tree that rained fresh avocados on us each day? I could talk about the moist air filled with flowery, sweet guava as we hiked through a muddy trail to Seven Pools, or maybe the bamboo forest where the bamboo grew so thick and tall, it was like nighttime in there; only tiny beams of light dappling the earth.

I could talk to you about the clouds for days, about their mottled blues and greys and how everywhere you looked there was a new show of turbulent shapes that would twist and stretch across the green pastures. I could talk about so many cattle grazing over Hana Ranch, that sometimes all you could see were cows and ocean and sky for miles... and how we hiked by them one day and held our breath and walked ever so gently, waiting for the males with huge horns to charge us.

But maybe I should just talk to you about blues and greens; the blue of the ocean with hints of black in it, as if the dark sand of the beaches was peeking through. The bright clear turquoise water of Hamoa beach and the dusty sand you felt in your toes as the waves washed over. I could talk to you about the bright lime of the bamboo trees or the dark forest of pines that edged the bluffs over the ocean. I could talk to you about the black of lava rock walls and cliffs.

I could talk to you about Venus Pool and Blue Pool and Seven Pools and our hike to see unimaginable waterfalls. I could talk to you about the brown of the Hawaiian's skin.

So much water, so much rain, so much green, so many flowers, so much rock, so many clouds, and SO many avocados. So much beauty it was hard to hold. Sometimes when I looked at the sky, I had to look away for a few minutes and look back just to be able to really see it again. I didn't want to ever get used to its briliance and magic. I wanted to see over and over again.

When I think about our trip, I am reminded of abundance and fertility, of lushness and green and of life's inevitability. I am reminded that in spite of ourselves {our resistance} that we will grow and change shape and become ripe and fall... and that we are a part of the grand Everything doing just that.

Leokane told me that there is a joke in Hana that you can put a chopstick in the ground and it will grow. From what I saw, {life bursting out of every crack and every inch} I wouldn't be surprised.

We are meant to grow, to be green, to be rich. We are meant to be big and robust and colorful and full. We are meant to be alive and we are meant to give life, in whatever form that takes.

Photo Friday - Ocean

tiny island off Koki Beach, Hana, Maui, Canon 300D

Photo Friday's theme this week is "Ocean."

a moment to swoon

white, Canon 300D

Today in Hana, we will hike in a bamboo forest in the rain... But there is still nothing more beautiful than this blessed story.

I am so honored to have played a small role in its unfolding and feel utter joy in watching it blossom and grow. Congratulations Keri and Jeff!

Photo Friday-Cool

Car night, Geneva, Illinois Canon 300D

Photo Friday's theme this week is "Cool." What's cooler than Car Night in Geneva, Illinois?!

There were a lot of things I saw on my trip to Illinois that I had never seen before:
-Fireflies light up the night like tiny fireworks. (It's true. I have somehow spent my entire life never seeing a firefly. They are something else...)
-Bright red cardinals and wild bunnies zipping around the neighborhood.
-Lighting storms from the airplane at night.
-The gorgeous city of Chicago.

Other cool things and people:
I will be leaving town tomorrow to spend the week in Hawaii. Two of my dearest friends in the world live in Hana {on Maui} and will be hosting Matt and I at their home. My friend Susan told me that if you can imagine the most beautiful place you can possibly imagine, Hana is a thousand times better than that. Looks like I'll be snapping a lot of photos!

Jason Heidemann is celebrating his first book! He researched and wrote an irreverent guidebook about Chicago. I was lucky enough to receive the live version of the book on my trip!

The incredible singer/songwriter Martine Locke is recording a new album. I recommend pre-ordering her new album or purchasing one of her others. She is truly an outstanding artist.

Jeff Pitcher and Mike Schwartz are still bicycling their way across the country for The Great Sitting.

And then the most beautiful moment of all...

layers

garden cherub, Canon 300D

It seems that there are layers to this healing process. The surface layer seems to be healed. When peple ask how I am, I can say truthfully, "Good. Tender, but good." But there are still layers below the surface that haven't healed yet. I find that I still get irritated easily, cry easily, get moved easily. Pregnant women are hard to look at. I am prone to feeling jealous and afraid.

I think about what Matt and I went through and it brings tears to my eyes. There is still so much sadness there. I think about days when I was so happy to be pregnant I would grin my way down the street, {my blessed secret}, feeling so buoyant as I moved through the world. It seems like a cruel joke that on those same days I didn't know how little life there actually was inside.

I am sad that there is no justice in all of this. I am sad that good people, good parents, experience losses far greater than this. I am sad that families who desperately want kids can't always have them and that other parents abuse theirs.

During college, I broke my leg and had to wear a cast that went clear up to my hip. I worked in a coffee house in an old church in Santa Barbara at the time and so I hung out there a lot in the afternoons. I remember sitting outside with a tea one day and one of the regular customers picked up my foot and began massaging my toes. He said sweetly, "So what's the gift in this for you?" {as if to say, "So why did you choose this?"} and I had to think long and hard because I saw absolutely no gift in it at all.

Nevertheless, the question swirled in my mind for months. I could see later that it was the first time in my life that I allowed myself to receive, without keeping score, without feeling like I owed anyone or that I wasn't worthy. For 6 months I couldn't walk, grocery shop, drive, etc.. I missed a lot of classes because they were simply too far away and I was too exhausted to make my way across campus.

People helped me all day long and I had to graciously accept. They toted my books, did my dishes, and quite literally, carried me places. Everyone had to help me ALL the time. After a while there were too many people to owe! and I had to finally surrender and simply practice saying, thank you, thank you, thank you.
*
There have been many gifts in this. In the past month we have felt every kindness as it came, we have felt the depth of our friendships and the inherent generosity of human beings. We have felt empathy for others who have lost something they loved, and have felt the deep, indelible bond of partnership and love.

It has made Matt and I stronger, brought us closer, and allowed us to choose having a family in an even more conscious way. It has made us more compassionate, and hopefully made us a wiser and stronger foundation for parenthood. All of this right alongside the sadness.

I still pray.

But where I used to pray for like this, and right now, and pretty please, I pray for divine perfection and surrender and letting go.

I pray for the strength and wisdom to be patient. I pray for the enjoyment and love of this time, however it unfolds. I pray for the wisdom and knowing that there is nothing missing here, even with all of our fierce, love-filled hopes and desires.

Forest

Forest the horse, Canon 300D

"What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset." -Crowfoot

It is Forest, making you grin.

freight elevator

Jen, Canon 300D

Today was spent shooting photos in an old industrial building near Jen's house. We loved the rusty, crusty bits we found there and the spectacular light that shown through the windows. We imagined we were in a band and modeling for our album covers...