mommy guilt setting in early

ben, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

So I knew that I would have moments of worrying whether I was a good mother, I just didn't know it would end up being my very first moment of motherhood! I hadn't realized how deeply engrained all of those images from movies were, that moment when the baby finally comes out, the doctors put them on the mama's chest and the mom weeps because she is so moved and in love.

This totally didn't happen to me.

It was not love at first sight. I was "in" a lot of things... but not love exactly. I was in... pain (there was that pesky business with the stitches and then, oh yeah, the placenta being delivered) I was in awe, I was in relief, I was in total shock. It was all so overwhelming and confusing and WEIRD. No one told me that I might not be in love but just completely tripped out. What just happened to me? and whose baby is this? I must have thought I would somehow recognize him from a past life or from my dreams or something... because my first thought was, "Wow! You are a brand new person. I don't know you!"

So that's when I started to think that maybe I was a bad person and I should start mustering up those love feelings pretty quick or they were going to take him away.

And they did come... but they happened slowly and over time. Every day and week that passed (and passes) Matt and I agree that we love him even more. Just when we think we can't love him any more, we do. And that's how it was when I fell in love with Matt. It took two years for me to fall for him, but when I was in I was in. Luckily, it took much less time with Ben.

I share this to dispel the fantasy that we should be a certain way at certain moments of our lives. At our wedding? Matt was the one who cried at the altar. When one of my best friends moved away it took me weeks before I called her and cried and said, "I can't believe you're gone!!!" Sometimes it takes time for things to sink in.

Do any of you have moments like these you want to share? when you thought you should feel something you didn't? or felt something you were ashamed of?

It's true what they say...

The sound of the washer and dryer really does save your life. Instant happiness! Now if I could only get a recording that didn't suck (more energy efficient, no?) Anyone know of a good one?

7 weeks and he already knows how to pose for the camera

me and Ben, 7 weeks, photo by Stephanie Williamson

One fun part of becoming a mom is all the gear! It's true that you don't need a whole lot in those first months. When the time comes, I will be happy to hand Ben some Tupperware to keep him busy instead of an expensive toy with bells and whistles. Nevertheless, having inherited a shopping gene from my mom, here is a list of things I am enjoying tremendously. Some are saving our life, some are simply wonderful gifts we've received.

Just last week I found this necklace by Rena Tom. I fell in love, chatted with my sister about it (she wanted to buy it for me) and the very next day it showed up in my mailbox with Benjamin on it. A gift from Rena Tom! I am now convinced it is prettyand magic.

This fleece sling by Kangaroo Corner has saved our sanity. Both Matt and I have one in different sizes.

I've been loving the Ergo carrier and look forward to using it even more when he gets bigger.

This gift of a cashmere baby blanket is so yummy I haven't even used it with the baby yet. (How can I risk a blowout on cashmere?) and have wrapped myself in it at night.

Weleda calendula diaper cream is like a baby spa treatment.

Anything by Zutano on Ben is so cute I want to take a bite out of him.

Wipe warmer: I thought this was totally frivolous until I saw the magical effect it had on the baby. Changing him went from traumatic to day at the spa. Who wants a cold wipe on their warm bum?

Diaper Dekor: no stinky diaper smell.
Bugaboo stroller: Ours is a hand-me-down (how lucky are we?!) and we love it. The bassinet attachment is perfect for rolling up alongside our bed.

Glamour mom nursing tanks are sassy and functional.

I also love this Bravado nursing bra I discovered recently.

Was thrilled to find this Dutailier glider used on Craig's List. It is sooo comfortable.

I got this fabulous Fleurville diaper bag from Jessica and adore it... I also love the Petunia Picklebottom bag.

The Baby Book by Sears and Sears is the perfect reference book for the new parent.
The Happiest Baby on the Block was the best tool in our kit for those first weeks.
The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency was a fun, light read during the wee hours.
Oprah Magazine is always the best. She is my hero.
Jen Lemen's new zine is as wonderful as she is.

And when I need the world to come to me, I go to my friend Wendy's color collection tour in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico (One of my favorite places in the world). It's amazing to see photos I would have taken myself through someone else's eyes... she is all about superhero colors.

And of course, the indispensible Canon Rebel XTi.

6 weeks ago...

ben, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

I used to be afraid of the middle of the night.

I never pulled an all-nighter in college, I am always the one to leave the party first and only on the rarest occasion have I seen the sun come up. I get anxious late at night and want to be asleep, safe. I always feel relieved when it's morning.

Of course, all that changed six weeks ago. Now I am up every morning from 3am until dawn...the weest hours of the night.

But let's back up a moment and go back to the morning of December 7th. I started getting what felt like menstrual cramps. I hadn't had anything like this during pregnancy and noticed it but didn't think much of it. I thought maybe I had had too much coffee (I never gave up my morning affogato) and was now going to pay the price on the potty. Sure enough I pooped soon after.

An hour later, more cramps and another poop.

I had heard that your body clears out in pre-labor so after round five (eek!) I starting packing my bags for the hospital. I still had it in my mind that we were days away (I was a week early) but I decided to do laundry and hit Trader Joe's for hospital snacks and Recharge just in case.

By 8pm that night the contractions I had been having all day were officially painful. Matt started timing them and by 10:30 I had a whopper contraction that knocked me out. I shouted and cried and started to bleed. In the bathroom, I shook violently (a shot of hormones I found out later) and was cold and scared. (This was the only moment I was afraid during the labor.)

By 11pm the contractions were coming 3-5 minutes apart and were getting seriously painful. I was in polar bear pose and took deep yoga breaths trying to relax into the pain and not resist it. A friend told me that her mantra was simply "yes" saying yes to the pain and receiving it as much as possible.

By 1am counting contractions was getting tedious so we decided to go to the hospital. We were sure I was still at 1cm (we had heard over and over that new parents always go to the hospital too early) and they were going to send us home but we were excited we had something to do! A drive over the bridge into the city...

But when I was checked I was at 4cm and they admitted me. Hooray! We had timed our potentially harrowing ride across the bridge into San Francisco (usually riddled with traffic) perfectly. The still better news was that they admitted us into mythic ROOM NUMBER 2... those of you who know UCSF might have heard about it. It is an enormous birthing suite on the 15th floor with a panoramic view of San Francisco from the Golden Gate Bridge all the way to downtown skyscrapers. It was magical... like giving birth in the clouds. A room at the Ritz could not have been more luxurious (or expensive we discovered when getting our bill!)

The next many hours are a blur of pain and breath and nurses coming in and out asking if I wanted any pain medication. I was flattered when they kept saying, "You're so calm! You're not acting like 4cm, 6cm, 8cm..." (Note to readers: Pre-natal yoga saved my ass)

I remember being afraid that I wouldn't be present during labor, but truly pain is the most grounding thing in the world. You can't be anywhere but in the moment when you are in physical pain. Whenever someone mentioned the baby, I was like, "What baby?!" I couldn't be anywhere but in the contraction I was in.

At some point however, the contractions were so close together that there was no break in between them anymore. I needed to take the edge off. Luckily, UCSF is the only hospital in the country that offers nitrous oxide. Laughing gas... hardly. I wasn't exactly laughing. I could feel the pain of each contraction, but I cared so much less about it! I was one layer away from the pain, watching it more than being taken over by it. It was like watching myself and saying, "Wow! You're in a lot of pain! You've never been in so much pain!" (Very zen right?)

Before I knew it, it was time to push... oh, and hang up the nitrous mask. NO!!!!! What I didn't realize was that there was a learning curve to the whole pushing business. It took me a while to teach my body where to push and how. It looked hopeless at the beginning. Matt kept saying encouraging things like, "You're doing great honey. The nurse said you're SO close." I kept saying back, "This is NEVER going to work!!! She's lying to you!" (insert C-section fantasy here)

I heard a nurse in the distance say, "If you're pooping, you're pushing the right way!" Let's just say I figured out how to push the right way.

Then the doula said, "Use every contraction as much as possible. Maximize each one by inhaling deeply at the top and using the energy of it to push the baby out." It took me a while to figure out what she meant but suddenly it hit me. If I use every contraction as much as possible, I will have less of them! I turned around, grabbed the squatting bar and with an enormous growl and two pushes he was out!

I can already see that I as I write this I am forgetting how painful it was. My mind is already mercifully erasing each contraction, each hour spent doubled over breathing deeply... this is how the species continues to exist I suppose.

And really, the labor was nothing compared to those first few weeks. Those were the real challenge. I am still feeling traumatized by them! That will be the next installment...Let's just say that after six weeks I am getting less afraid of the night.

jonatha is talented and beautiful

jonatha brooke, sonic temple live, wearing her tropical superhero necklace, photo by Sonic Temple

One of Ben's favorite albums is my friend Jonatha Brooke's new one called Careful What you Wish For. I was lucky enough to be gifted an advance copy and have been playing it over and over... (at Ben's request of course)

You can download the title track of the new album on Itunes. It's called Careful What You Wish For and is such a fantastic song!

ben+wide angle lens=overwhelming cuteness

ben, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

The cuteness is totally overwhelming now. It's completely out of control over here. More pics on my flickr pagel...

Mighty girl is going to have a mighty baby

Maggie Mason is a hot mama, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

We finally made it out of the house (to somewhere besides the pediatrician) An adventure! to Mighty Girl/Mighty Goods Maggie's baby shower... Such a great celebration for such a hot mama.

Dooce and I had a fun rooftop photoshoot with Maggie and I noticed we have the same title for our post. Great minds!

one month

When he starts to wake up from a deep sleep he goes through an entire catalog of faces. These are only a few... ones with a very high cuteness quotient. We joke that they programmed him at the factory with hundreds of faces and he has to practice them every day to keep them fresh.

Starting to feel ever so slightly more sane.. stories to come!

papa time

ben, matt and the babe's preferred sleeping spot, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

I think I'm seeing a resemblance...