eyelashes

Ben eyelashes, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

The boys always get the pretty long lashes....

and speaking of lashes, make sure you are wearing waterproof mascara for this inspiring link {via Sara}

And I love Jen lemen's letting go of fear ritual. It might be just the thing to set you off on a new fresh path.

window seat

Above Los Angeles, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

This is the view from my flight into Los Angeles this weekend to see my dear Weepies. My first solo weekend away from Ben was a success! It felt good to be my own girl for a couple of days and Ben didn't seem to notice. (I'm trying not to take that personally! :)

Thank God for window seats.

PARK(ing) Day was awesome

Ritual Cafe double wide park, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

Sasha and I started out on our bicycles from Ritual Cafe where there was a double wide PARK complete with a bocce ball game.

The best part of the day though was escorting the PARKcycle by bicycle throughout the city. It was a big adventure moving through traffic but so much fun.

We only got pulled over a few times!

Mayor Gavin Newsom showed up to take some pics with the PARKcycle (Sasha made a great PARK(ing) day photo set that includes this)

All in all there were 180 PARKs built for PARK(ing) Day in 47 cities worldwide.

Ben has a very important announcement

Ben, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

Parking Day is tomorrow, Friday the 21st everybody! Find out where the parks will be in your area and check em out. I think there should be more parks every day of the year!

This is me and the other Rebar guys with the Parkcycle in progress. As you can see, it is going to be amazing! especially when there is green grass, a tree and a park bench on top.

And it's pedal powered... Come by and see us in front of the Civic Center tomorrow afternoon. We are taking over the mayor's parking space!

Self-Portrait Challenge

self portrait in christine's bathroom, Canon Elphh SD1000

The theme for Self-Portrait Challenge this month is shots in the bathroom. This shot was taken with my little Elph at my friend's house. This is what I am really doing when I excuse myself to go to the loo.

It just takes one woman

wild grasses by the beach, Pescadero, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

This was the message of the photography show I saw on Friday night called Women Empowered. It was a new collection of photos by one of my favorite photographers, Phil Borges. He gathered portraits and stories from women in remote parts of the world who have empowered themselves and their communities. The stories are deeply moving and uplifting. If you haven't seen Phil Borges photography yet, you're in for a treat.

I also had the pleasure of seeing Kris Carr (who wrote Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips) at the Elephant Pharmacy yesterday. Her book is gorgeous and deep and totally inspiring.

At the reading, I was first moved by all of these beautiful women in line waiting to have their books signed. They were young, they were pretty, they looked so healthy! One by one I was overhearing their stories... "I've been battling cancer for 14 years... " "I have cancer too..." "Thank you for your book. I wish I had it ten years ago." I remembered that we have no idea what private battles people are facing when we walk down the street. It was a great reminder to have more compassion and gratitude as I move about the world.

I felt a little shy to get the book at first. Do I need to have cancer to read it? But as I flipped through I realized that it was about cancer yes, but it parallels so many of our journeys-infertility, depression, MS, etc. I think you, dear readers will be moved and uplifted by it. Have any of you read it?

9 months out

Dear Ben,

You are 9 months old!

There is an expression I heard recently: "9 months on, 9 months off" and it applies to the weight you gain during pregnancy and how long it takes for it to come off. I think there is some truth to this. (I put on my jeans yesterday and found that I could actually breathe) but there is another one that resonated even more that I heard: "Nine months in, Nine months out."

You are nine months out!

I've noticed lately that people keep calling you a "happy baby" which they never did before. They used to say, "He's so chill!" or "What a sweet smile!" or even "He's so serious!" but now you've got something else going on in addition to your handsomeness, charm and overall cuteness appeal. You are a happy baby now! And although it probably has little to do with me, I smile and take the credit and say, "I know.. he's SO happy!" and I gloat just a teeny weeny bit.

As I write this, I am developing a theory that maybe, just maybe, you are entering happy baby phase because you are finally getting all the food you need. I've been weaning you slowly from breastfeeding over the last couple of months, trying desperately to get you to take the bottle. You have been, shall we say, a bit stubborn about it and prefer to take what little milk I can offer you than have a full meal at the bottle. This results in mama being a full time, all-night snack shack and you being a tiny bird of a boy.

Anyway, there is a lot to celebrate about all this weaning business.

I am proud of us that we were able to sort out the breastfeeding thing at all. It was so hard! Do you remember? For the first 3 weeks of your life you were SO hungry and didn't know how to latch and I didn't know how to get you to latch and we didn't know you were hungry and you would cry all night and it was such a nightmare! Then there were all the lactation consultants and La Leche League and hospital grade breast pumps and I was bleeding and in terrible pain and you were like a tiny torture chamber and I was terrified to feed you because it was SO PAINFUL but of course I had to every two hours, and I would cry the entire time and then you would cry later because you couldn't get enough milk.

Oy.
There was so much crying during that first month.

Anyway, it is nothing short of a miracle that I was able to breastfeed you at all. I can't believe that I didn't quit. But after six long weeks, we figured it out. Our first major collaboration. High five dude!

I also want to say that I learned something really important throughout this process. For as much as I am proud that we stuck with it, there was also an opportunity for me to have taken another path. I have thought about this a lot in retrospect... about how if we had simply put you on the bottle when things were so hard there would have been some great advantages to that too. You would have likely gained weight at a more "normal" rate, you might have slept through the night many months sooner, and overall have gotten the nutrition you needed. (Not to mention that I wouldn't have felt so inadequate and worried all the time.)

There's an expression you'll hear when you get older called "The path of least resistance" and I am a big fan. Often, when things are really hard and full of struggle and you've done everything you can and it's still not working, it's time to ask yourself, "How can this go more smoothly? Is there an easier way? Is there something I can let go of?" And if you look inside, you'll see that there often is.

In this case, I didn't choose the easiest path and I don't regret it. I just see now that there were two good paths, with gifts and challenges in both. I think I thought that breastfeedng you was THE RIGHT PATH and I didn't have any options. Come hell or high water, I had to make it work. This was not true. I think this will prove to be a good lesson for me in the future, both in parenting you and in the rest of my life.

Okay dude. I know this was a long one and there was a lot of boring adult stuff in here, so I appreciate you listening.

You totally rock.
And you and your adorable little frame are truly perfect.

Happy 9 months my love.

Make Your Timeline

abacus, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

This post is inspired by Mighty Girl and her awesome book.

My first decade (from age 3):
Age 3: Preschool. Had a friend who was a boy. One day I saw him head into the bathroom and sit on the toilet. I was totally confused. Why would he be sitting down on the toilet? Boys went potty standing up. I confronted him in the stall: "I thought you were a boy!" I exclaimed, feeling betrayed. He never spoke to me again after that.

Age 4: Was mesmerized by the beautiful bright orangey red coils on the electric stove. Decided I needed to touch them.. Had huge bandages on my hand for many months after.

Age 5: Wanted so badly to slide down the railings on our staircase at home but was too afraid.

Age 6: Tried to bend spoons with my mind.

Age 7: Used to play a game with my dad at the stoplights where we would guess when the light was going to turn green. "Okay... now!" ".... Now!" I could never figure out how he was so good at it and guessed right every time. I thought he must be psychic.

Age 8: Woke up in the middle of the night freezing cold. My bed was completely stripped. In the corner of my room in a perfect stack were my sheets, my blankets, my pillow and my teddy bear sitting on the top of the pile. I was still too small to have been able to do this myself with such perfection. After interrogating my family the next morning and them not knowing what I was talking about, I started to believe in ghosts.

Age 9: My best friend was mad at me and said I looked like a monkey. I was devastated, ran to the bathroom mirror, decided she was right and pulled my hair out of the ponytail it was in. I wouldn't wear my hair in a ponytail again for about 20 years.

Age 10: Read a poem in class that mentioned a moon the size of a fignernail. The teacher asked what this could mean. Everyone was stumped, but I got it instantly. "If you hold your thumb up to the sky, it is exactly the same size as the moon!" I remember thinking that there was a way I saw the world that felt unique and creative (maybe even like a poet or artist I imagined) and that I loved this part of myself.

some colorful photos

Ben and Emmett, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

A bit of Sunday cuteness of Ben and his friend.

Also, some incredible photos from Burning Man. So inspiring!

Sasha and friend.

The Temple of Forgiveness

The Big Rig Jig and the same with rainbow.

Colorful peeps at nighttime.

And this is just amazing.

traveling

vintage suitcases, Alameda Antique Market, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

Been craving travel lately...maybe it's hearing all of my friend's colorful stories from Burning Man this year, or tales of summer travels all over the globe.

I've noticed that there is a gap between who I thought I would be as a parent and who I actually am. I thought I would take Ben all over the place, travel, go out at night, still see my friends in SF a lot, be the totally cool mom.

Turns out I am more content to stay close to home, keep Ben on a schedule, go to bed early, bring the party to me.

I have a lot of guilt about this. Or maybe shame. Or maybe just a wee bit embarrassed at how small I'm willing to have my world right now. I am still in a bit of limbo between my old life and my new one... and there is some sadness in letting go. There is something to grieve about letting go of how things were and yet there is so much to celebrate about where we are going.

Even if where we are traveling is much closer to home than I ever imagined.

the best things

ben, almost 9 months, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

"The best things in life are nearest.
Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet,
duties at your hand, the path of right just before you."
-Robert Louis Stevenson

What scares you?

cactus spines, UC Berkeley Botanical Garden, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

I was reading Penelope's site yesterday and came upon this entry called What Scares You? A few minutes later I found myself signing up for an advanced spanish conversation class that starts tomorrow. Eek!

I like the idea that we need to regularly practice doing things that are a little scary in order to prepare ourselves for the bigger dreams and risks we long to take. I know that auditioning for a famous gospel choir (I am even embarrassed to sing in front of Ben) was hands down the scariest thing I have ever done. I literally had a rash all over my face for weeks from the anxiety. Afterwards though, I felt like, "Well, I survived that. Now I know I can do pretty much anything."

I started my business a few months later.

Maybe it's going to a movie by yourself, taking a photo of someone you don't know, or finally taking that dance class at the gym... What scares you? and where you can take one little practice step?