red berries, Sonoma, CA, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

Several times a year, usually when I'm sick, I have one particular dark thought, or collection of thoughts I call the hospital fantasy. This happens when you are so overwhelmed with the doing, the worry, the speed and intensity of life that you just want to get off the ride for a while. In the fantasy, I am laid up with something (a sprained ankle?) and I get to finally rest. I am not responsible for anything and other people do things for me... I am aware of how irrational and inappropriate this thought is and I have learned to listen to what it is trying to teach me--slow down sister!

Soon enough though, I get better, the thought fades, and I go back to the way I do things, the way I've always done things-- don't stop, hurry up, do more, achieve, excel... And every once in a while, on a really good day, I get a glimpse of the truth. The veil is lifted and I see how driven I am by fear. I see the fire under my tail, how I will run and leap and conquer-- the list, the house, even the fun, just to keep the beast at bay. And yet I am always behind somehow, reaching, reaching for something out there, some impossible thing I will never grasp.

Part of my soul work is to find balance, to create a well rounded life where rest, exercise, friends, food and joy are a natural part of my landscape. This cycle of work, get sick, fall behind on work, work harder, get sicker... I just can't do it anymore.

And then I surf the internet and see what everyone else is doing-- the blogs, (how do they write so often?) the Etsy stores, the books published... their pretty houses with dinner on the table every night... and the shame seeps in and the critical voices start howling in my ear. Hurry up, you're falling behind, you're blowing it, get your sh*t together...

And then I remember that wait, I am one of those people that others see this way. The superhero character that appears to have it all together, who is doing all that cool stuff (how does she have time for all of that?) and I see how all of these projections are a fiction, something I made up, something we all make up. It is the way we gather evidence, our proof that we are the ones who are not good enough.

It's not true.
And I'm tired of living as if it is.

I've decided to take a break! and I am closing my jewelry shop until March (or perhaps longer) If you have taken the Mondo Beyondo course you might recognize this as my clearing. I am creating space in my life for more richness and more joy. I am creating space to create a home, to nurture myself, my marriage and my family. I am creating space to connect more with my spirit.

I am tired of being a doing machine.

Myriam and the moon, Oregon coast, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

Okay guys. Myriam is ready for us to give! You can read Myriam's story here, and donate by clicking the "ChipIn!" button. Her goal is to raise 30,000 dollars in the next few weeks and hand deliver these funds to her family's community in Haiti. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to give in such a direct, powerful way.

I'm also moved that Myriam had "learn more about Haiti and my ancestry" on her Mondo Beyondo list from our first session. This dream is coming true in a profound and unexpected way. I know that this adventure in giving is going to be powerful in so many ways... thank you for being a part of it!

lemons, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

Four seizures and a bout of pneumonia later, we are all on the road to recovery. Thank you for all of your wishes! More about helping with Haiti coming soon...

This week has got me thinking about heartbreak.

It started on Tuesday afternoon when Ben had another febrile seizure. This one was particularly violent and we happened to be on the street when it happened. Couple that with the fact that Ben spit up his Martinelli's sparkling cider at the same moment (making it look like he was foaming at the mouth) and you have me in full blown panic, my entire body shaking violently, matching his tiny little body shaking violently in my arms. Then there is me trying to breathe, checking to make sure he is breathing, asking someone to call the paramedics, feeling helpless and unbrave, alone and scared to death.

When I think about that scene, the moment that still brings me to tears is this one: There was a college student, about 20 years old, who appeared out of nowhere, looked me in the eyes and said, "I'm here to help." At that moment I didn't have a good job for him and the paramedics arrived shortly after, but this small act of kindness, of simply being with me in this moment was an incredible gift. He probably thought he wasn't needed and wasn't helping, but I actually wish he hadn't disappeared when the paramedics arrived. I wish I could thank him for that small bit of kindness and connection.

Ben is fine. Or mostly fine for a boy who had a 103 temp this morning, another seizure, and is still coughing violently. Fine for a boy who is watching Dora right now, but who I feel I need to hover over, just to be sure... every tiny jerk of his body sending my own body into a vigilent kind of attention-- like an electric shock or a cattle prod.

What this has to do with Haiti
So while my own heart has been breaking in a thousand pieces the past few days, there has been the most unimaginable kind of heartbreak going on in Haiti. In the scariest moments of my own week, my mind keeps flashing to these other mothers and I get the tiniest window into their suffering. It's almost too much too bear.

My friend Myriam., pictured above, has family in Haiti. She is understandably devastated and is calling on us, this wonderful community to help. Her goal is to raise 30,000 for her family and I know we can help. More info coming later today so that we can all donate whatever we can.

If there is anything that moment on the street taught me is that it's easy to walk by, or to look horrified from a distance. We are afraid to get too close, or we just don't know what to do. I get it. I don't know what to do either. But I am grateful for this opportunity to give through Myriam. It is one way we can stand alongside these people and in our own way say, "I'm here to help."

me and Jen Lemen, SF, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

Amy Krouse Rosenthal just launched a new blog. I am in love... Check out her first mission here. It's all about transforming the acronym ATM to mean Always Trust Magic.

Or if he went through a princess phase. This photo has provided me with endless giggles.

Have you picked your word of the year? Seems like the interwebs are abuzz with this idea and I love that it has taken a firm foothold over New Year's Resolutions. I'm actually amazed that resolutions have stuck around so long. For most people they don't work! and you know why? because they are all about deprivation. They remind us what's wrong with us, what there is to fix. They tell us that if we were only more (fill in the blank) we would be happy/successful/a good person.

That's the old way, right? Soooo 2009.

This is the year of the list. The Mondo Beyondo List, the word of the year, the year that we create intentions, follow our dreams, and let our passions and our joys guide us instead.

Let's do this together. Here is a great tool to get you started:
Leonie's Goddess Workbook: A beautifully illustrated, and more complete workbook that will be your companion in closing out the year (with great completion exercises) and a tool for visioning for the year to come.

I will be at a cafe this morning with my journal and favorite pen in hand. Hope you will join me! In the meantime, what's your word for the year?

I spoke with a friend today who told me about her New Year's eve tradition. At the stroke of midnight (after kissing her loved ones) she bites into something extraordinary. This year it was her favorite chocolate. She wants the first thing she tastes in the year to be totally sweet and delicious. It's a great affirmation for the coming year.

Another friend of mine hikes somewhere beautiful every New Year's day. After many years of joining her and her family, I realized they passed this great tradition on to me. Matt and Ben and I hiked this morning, wandered through the trees and pet lots of dogs. Since I am often asleep at midnight (last night was no exception) I treasure my New Year's day ritual of hiking somewhere beautiful.

What is your ritual for the New Year? Is there something you like to do? something you like to cook? a way you treat yourself?

And because I am now obsessed with Davidy Whyte... another poem for you.

SWEET DARKNESS

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize it own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

- DAVID WHYTE -

from the airplane, over Oakland, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

The Opening of Eyes

That day I saw beneath dark clouds
the passing light over the water
and I heard the voice of the world speak out,
I knew then, as I had before
life is no passing memory of what has been
nor the remaining pages in a great book
waiting to be read.

It is the opening of eyes long closed.
It is the vision of far off things
seen for the silence they hold.
It is the heart after years
of secret conversing
speaking out loud in the clear air.

It is Moses in the desert
fallen to his knees before the lit bush.
It is the man throwing away his shoes
as if to enter heaven
and finding himself astonished,
opened at last,
fallen in love with solid ground.

-- David Whyte
from Songs for Coming Home
©1984 Many Rivers Press

As I go into my last couple days of production on necklaces, I want to offer a quickie sale on a few pieces still in my inventory. They are all ready to go out today! They are 79 dollars each.

Grass and Sky
Champagne
Angel
Pyrex
Passion

I only have one of each, so they'll go fast. Just email me if you'd like one at the sale price! 79 dollars
andrea@superherodesigns.com

Update: All the sale pieces are sold out now. Thank you!

Ben pointing to his fave animal, the orca, Seattle, WA, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

Just got back from Seattle where I got to see family, one of my favorite people in the world, and met up with a new friend to see the Luminaria around Green Lake. The only thing I missed that I have to do next time for sure is eat at Delancey's. (I have been reading Homemade Life and loved the idea of going to her wonderful restaurant.)

The highlight for Ben was meeting Bella, Kelly Rae's dog. Ben played "Baby Bella" which involved stripping down naked, following her around and imitating her every move. We were almost hyperventilating with laughter when we looked under the dinner table and saw that Ben's "paws" matched Bella's perfectly. Seriously Ben, could you be any cuter?

Luminaria night, Green Lake, Seattle, WA, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

This is a shot of Green Lake on the night of the luminaria. So happy Tara Weaver told us about it... it was magic to walk around the lake. (Fits in beautifully with her incredible project called Stalking Wonder)

I have listened to this four times already this morning.
I can't stop.

You can pre-order the book here: Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life

It Felt Like a Kiss, SF, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

The new year is always an exciting time for me. I love wiping the slate clean, buying a new calendar and beginning again. It is also a ripe time for ritual, so if you you would like to join me in one now, I would like to invite you to be part of a Mondo Beyondo exercise for 2009.

The surest way to start fresh and move forward is to be at peace with what came before. You might have had an incredible year, a dull year, or a truly difficult year. Whatever happened, your aim is to celebrate what there is to celebrate about it and grieve what there is to grieve...

My challenge for you is to answer the following questions and declare 2009 complete. Rituals can be even more powerful when others can witness you. You are welcome to do this exercise privately, but I suggest sharing with a friend and/or posting your lists here. You are in good, safe company. (Feel free to post anonymously)

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2009?
(What did you create? What challenges did you face with courage and strength? What promises did you keep to yourself? What brave choices did you make? What are you proud of?)

2. What is there to grieve about 2009?
(What was disappointing? What was scary? What was hard? What can you forgive yourself for?)

3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

Okay, the next step is to say out loud, "I declare 2009 complete!" How do you feel? If you don't feel quite right, there might be one more thing to say...

The final step is to consider your primary focus for the year to come. What is your primary intention or theme for 2009? Is it the year of joy? the year of self-care? the year of partnership? Stand up and say it proud, "2009 is my year of...."