self-portrait with hearts made of rain, Berkeley, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

The winner of the Brene Brown dvd is Sarah Beckley! Congratulations Sarah! For the rest of you, hop right over to Brene's site to order your own copy. It is a life-changer for sure. (I love the idea of ordering a copy and having a viewing party with several friends. It would be an amazing conversation starter and a powerful gift for your dear ones)

One of the best things about being in the middle of a Mondo Beyondo course is that I am reminded to practice the principles daily. If I'm going to talk the Mondo Beyondo talk, I've got to walk the walk as well, right? My commitment to authenticity won't let me off the hook on this one.

In the class, we practice strengthening our courage and being willing to be vulnerable. We practice following our intuition and leaning into trust. From what I've seen, if we are fully embracing and exploring our edge on these practices, we are pretty much unstoppable. We are jedi warriors of the most soulful kind and we become master manifesters... the world of possibilities just continues to expand.

You might remember that I declared a clearing a couple of months ago. I wasn't sure what I was preparing for, but my intuition told me that i needed to clear out as much space as possible for new dreams to find me. In that space, we found a new home and moved, Ben went through some serious health issues (that I was so grateful I had freed myself up to address) and then the miracle of all miracles, I found out I am pregnant! I've been telling students that the clearing is about creating space for new dreams and unexpected delights to find you... and this is truly an unexpected delight!

I am continuing to listen to myself deeply, to trust myself and to know that my deepest truth (if I can get quiet enough to access it) will never steer me wrong.

Hold us in your hearts tomorrow as Ben has his MRI!

Phone booth, Guerilla Cafe, Berkeley, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

As I was writing this piece, inspired by Brene Brown's new DVD The Hustle for Worthiness, I couldn't help but notice the Michael Jackson silhouette on the phone booth outside the cafe. And it got me thinking: What about the electric slide for worthiness? or the moonwalk for worthiness? These images make me giggle because it's so true how we literally exhaust ourselves in the struggle to feel worthy (of love, of respect) or simply to feel like enough. One friend of mine calls her first dates the "dancing bear routine" where she watches herself do that first date performance of how fabulous and witty and interesting she is. It usually works, but she comes home feeling tired out by it all and wondering why she doesn't want to go through it again.

I think I've dropped a lot of my hustle over the years, feeling slightly less inclined to need other's approval, but I still see how what I do (or don't do) is tied up in my self-worth. Case in point, I have been staring at this blog for weeks feeling like a total blog failure, wondering what I should write about, what would be interesting, worth sharing, fabulous enough... And just the striving alone to be brilliant or fabulous will block you up every time. Pretty soon there are tumbleweeds drifting by your blog.

The irony is that all anyone really wants to read is what's true. The truth is so much more compelling than any dance we can do and our authenticity is the greatest gift we can bring.

Brene says it beautifully here:
“Our lives are a collection of stories – truths about who we are, what we believe, what we come from, how we struggle, and how we are strong. When we can let go of what people think, and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness – the feeling that we are enough just as we are, and that we are worthy of love and belonging.

If we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and have to hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. Our sense of worthiness lives inside of our story. It’s time to walk into our experiences and to start living and loving with our whole hearts.”

In celebration of Brene's incredible new DVD, I am giving away a copy this week to one lucky winner!
Just proclaim in the comments, "I am enough!" (or some variation on that theme) and you'll have a chance to win.

Giveaway Guidelines:
-You have until 8PM PST on Sunday, March 14th to enter this giveaway.
-Just make a comment ON THIS POST to enter.
-This is a random drawing
-One entry per person, please. (Just push "post" ONCE and wait a few seconds. The comment should appear)

Come Dream with Us This Spring--Next Session Starts Monday, March 8th!
This will be our *fourth* session of Mondo Beyondo, and we can honestly say the class keeps getting better and better. Enjoy the warmth and encouragement of the Mondo Beyondo community while taking in thought-provoking lessons and engaging audio interviews. Our journal prompts and weekly secret missions will give you just the nudge you need to give your undeclared dreams a chance to flourish.

Repeat students can re-enroll for $59 (see the button in your community group). First-timers--$99 is your ticket to growth and new possibilities for a bright and hopeful future. Next session starts March 8, so register now.

Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born. --Dale Turner

Kelly Rae Roberts and me, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

Thank you for all of your wishes and support! You guys are amazing. We are still exploring ideas and possibilities around Ben's health and grateful that he hasn't had a seizure in weeks. I've heard it said before: The breakdown is the breakthrough... and I am already getting little inklings of how these seizures can be a breakthrough for Ben's overall health. We'll keep you posted!

In the meantime, I have been feeling like my life has been in a huge reorientiation process. Months ago, I knew I needed to create space in my life and I made a Mondo Beyondo style clearing. In that space, I felt like the universe picked me up by the scruff of the neck and pointed my in a different direction, away from my work and towards nourishing my family. This feels good and right and I am still adjusting and calibrating myself. Sadly, it often takes a good crisis to wake us up and jump a track, otherwise our well worn paths seem to do just fine.

In other news, I had the pleasure of spending the day with Kelly Rae and Mati Rose over the weekend when I crashed their class at Artful Journey. It was a treat to meet everyone and to play a bit with paint and collage. I had to smile at my piece when I noticed it looked alarmingly similar to some of the creations Ben brings home from preschool. Purple glitter, covered in feathers, random bits of paint. I am inspired in so many ways by Ben!

Anyway, thank you again for all of your notes and warm wishes. I am blown away by how valuable our intuition can be when it comes to health issues and how much knowledge can come from unexpected places.

the Breakdown Train, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

If you want to instantly find your way to Ben's heart, bring him a train. My friend Jen must have known this because she came to my house last week with one in hand. "It's a breakdown train," she said, in her bubbly way... both of us noting the double meaning as the words spilled out of her mouth.

We had originally planned to go on a walk. I desperately needed some time to myself, some time to finally move my body after weeks of illness (mine and Ben's) Not to mention packing up an entire house for our move last Sunday... I needed some air.

And then I got the call from the school, the third call that week. Ben has been falling. A lot. Like fall-out -of-his-chair-for-no-apparent-reason-falling. By noon it had happened eight times that day. I called my friend to cancel and to ask her to meet me at my house so I wouldn't have to be alone. As I said to her on the phone, Please come over because I'm about to lose my sh*t and I'm behind the wheel. "Don't lose your shit yet!" she warned.

So she arrived with the train in hand and explained to Ben that this is the train that comes in and helps the other train back to the station when it breaks down.

It turns out these falls he was having were actually atonic seizures and they happened up to eight times a day for about a week. (They mercifully stopped last Friday) They are not harmful in and of themselves but his risk for a secondary injury from a fall is high. We had to send him to school with a bicycle helmet which he was delighted to wear. Thank god for three year olds... all of his classmates are jealous that he gets to wear a helmet and they don't.

A chorus of:
Why does he get to wear it? It's my turn!
He has to share!
Why isn't he sharing?!!

This is what the teachers were hearing all day long. They have now instituted Helmet Day on Tuesday in Ben's honor.

Ben in the tub, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

We are in the midst of EEG's, MRI's and second opinions, and trying not to panic. We don't have a definitive diagnosis yet, but we are culling our resources and trying to make choices with the most grace and presence we possibly can.

Smack in the middle of neurology appointments was our move last weekend. (My Mondo Beyondo dream of finding a new home in our neighborhood came true) Help came from so many places. A friend flew in from Los Angeles, another drove from Santa Cruz to pack our things, others watched Ben while we furiously shuttled boxes to and fro. Not to mention the psychic support from people who love us and love Ben.

Our breakdown train is long and hearty. It comes bearing gifts of all kinds--laughter and joy, homemade lentil soup and squash risotto, able hands ready to dive in, generosity beyond beyond, and fierce love at the bottom of all of it. I imagine it like Ben would: a circus train full of animals of all kinds, carnival music and bright colors, ready to swoop in and put us on the track again.

Ben in the tub, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

I had a great conversation with Ben this morning that I am sure came from spirit itself:

Ben: Did you put oatmeal in my lunch?
Me: Nope.
Ben: I don't like oatmeal.
Me: No oatmeal in your lunch.
Ben: I don't like pasta too.
Me: I didn't put that in either.
Ben: I don't like cheese mama.
Me: Ben, I promise, you will be so happy when you get to school and see what's in your lunch.
Ben: (pause) But I'm happy now mama! (and then he shouted for extra emphasis) I'm here! I'm happy now!

Straight from the Buddha's mouth and what I have to keep reminding myself when I get scared about what the future holds: He's here. He's happy now.

red berries, Sonoma, CA, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

Several times a year, usually when I'm sick, I have one particular dark thought, or collection of thoughts I call the hospital fantasy. This happens when you are so overwhelmed with the doing, the worry, the speed and intensity of life that you just want to get off the ride for a while. In the fantasy, I am laid up with something (a sprained ankle?) and I get to finally rest. I am not responsible for anything and other people do things for me... I am aware of how irrational and inappropriate this thought is and I have learned to listen to what it is trying to teach me--slow down sister!

Soon enough though, I get better, the thought fades, and I go back to the way I do things, the way I've always done things-- don't stop, hurry up, do more, achieve, excel... And every once in a while, on a really good day, I get a glimpse of the truth. The veil is lifted and I see how driven I am by fear. I see the fire under my tail, how I will run and leap and conquer-- the list, the house, even the fun, just to keep the beast at bay. And yet I am always behind somehow, reaching, reaching for something out there, some impossible thing I will never grasp.

Part of my soul work is to find balance, to create a well rounded life where rest, exercise, friends, food and joy are a natural part of my landscape. This cycle of work, get sick, fall behind on work, work harder, get sicker... I just can't do it anymore.

And then I surf the internet and see what everyone else is doing-- the blogs, (how do they write so often?) the Etsy stores, the books published... their pretty houses with dinner on the table every night... and the shame seeps in and the critical voices start howling in my ear. Hurry up, you're falling behind, you're blowing it, get your sh*t together...

And then I remember that wait, I am one of those people that others see this way. The superhero character that appears to have it all together, who is doing all that cool stuff (how does she have time for all of that?) and I see how all of these projections are a fiction, something I made up, something we all make up. It is the way we gather evidence, our proof that we are the ones who are not good enough.

It's not true.
And I'm tired of living as if it is.

I've decided to take a break! and I am closing my jewelry shop until March (or perhaps longer) If you have taken the Mondo Beyondo course you might recognize this as my clearing. I am creating space in my life for more richness and more joy. I am creating space to create a home, to nurture myself, my marriage and my family. I am creating space to connect more with my spirit.

I am tired of being a doing machine.

Myriam and the moon, Oregon coast, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

Okay guys. Myriam is ready for us to give! You can read Myriam's story here, and donate by clicking the "ChipIn!" button. Her goal is to raise 30,000 dollars in the next few weeks and hand deliver these funds to her family's community in Haiti. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to give in such a direct, powerful way.

I'm also moved that Myriam had "learn more about Haiti and my ancestry" on her Mondo Beyondo list from our first session. This dream is coming true in a profound and unexpected way. I know that this adventure in giving is going to be powerful in so many ways... thank you for being a part of it!

lemons, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

Four seizures and a bout of pneumonia later, we are all on the road to recovery. Thank you for all of your wishes! More about helping with Haiti coming soon...

This week has got me thinking about heartbreak.

It started on Tuesday afternoon when Ben had another febrile seizure. This one was particularly violent and we happened to be on the street when it happened. Couple that with the fact that Ben spit up his Martinelli's sparkling cider at the same moment (making it look like he was foaming at the mouth) and you have me in full blown panic, my entire body shaking violently, matching his tiny little body shaking violently in my arms. Then there is me trying to breathe, checking to make sure he is breathing, asking someone to call the paramedics, feeling helpless and unbrave, alone and scared to death.

When I think about that scene, the moment that still brings me to tears is this one: There was a college student, about 20 years old, who appeared out of nowhere, looked me in the eyes and said, "I'm here to help." At that moment I didn't have a good job for him and the paramedics arrived shortly after, but this small act of kindness, of simply being with me in this moment was an incredible gift. He probably thought he wasn't needed and wasn't helping, but I actually wish he hadn't disappeared when the paramedics arrived. I wish I could thank him for that small bit of kindness and connection.

Ben is fine. Or mostly fine for a boy who had a 103 temp this morning, another seizure, and is still coughing violently. Fine for a boy who is watching Dora right now, but who I feel I need to hover over, just to be sure... every tiny jerk of his body sending my own body into a vigilent kind of attention-- like an electric shock or a cattle prod.

What this has to do with Haiti
So while my own heart has been breaking in a thousand pieces the past few days, there has been the most unimaginable kind of heartbreak going on in Haiti. In the scariest moments of my own week, my mind keeps flashing to these other mothers and I get the tiniest window into their suffering. It's almost too much too bear.

My friend Myriam., pictured above, has family in Haiti. She is understandably devastated and is calling on us, this wonderful community to help. Her goal is to raise 30,000 for her family and I know we can help. More info coming later today so that we can all donate whatever we can.

If there is anything that moment on the street taught me is that it's easy to walk by, or to look horrified from a distance. We are afraid to get too close, or we just don't know what to do. I get it. I don't know what to do either. But I am grateful for this opportunity to give through Myriam. It is one way we can stand alongside these people and in our own way say, "I'm here to help."

me and Jen Lemen, SF, Canon Digital Rebel XSi

Amy Krouse Rosenthal just launched a new blog. I am in love... Check out her first mission here. It's all about transforming the acronym ATM to mean Always Trust Magic.

Or if he went through a princess phase. This photo has provided me with endless giggles.

Have you picked your word of the year? Seems like the interwebs are abuzz with this idea and I love that it has taken a firm foothold over New Year's Resolutions. I'm actually amazed that resolutions have stuck around so long. For most people they don't work! and you know why? because they are all about deprivation. They remind us what's wrong with us, what there is to fix. They tell us that if we were only more (fill in the blank) we would be happy/successful/a good person.

That's the old way, right? Soooo 2009.

This is the year of the list. The Mondo Beyondo List, the word of the year, the year that we create intentions, follow our dreams, and let our passions and our joys guide us instead.

Let's do this together. Here is a great tool to get you started:
Leonie's Goddess Workbook: A beautifully illustrated, and more complete workbook that will be your companion in closing out the year (with great completion exercises) and a tool for visioning for the year to come.

I will be at a cafe this morning with my journal and favorite pen in hand. Hope you will join me! In the meantime, what's your word for the year?

I spoke with a friend today who told me about her New Year's eve tradition. At the stroke of midnight (after kissing her loved ones) she bites into something extraordinary. This year it was her favorite chocolate. She wants the first thing she tastes in the year to be totally sweet and delicious. It's a great affirmation for the coming year.

Another friend of mine hikes somewhere beautiful every New Year's day. After many years of joining her and her family, I realized they passed this great tradition on to me. Matt and Ben and I hiked this morning, wandered through the trees and pet lots of dogs. Since I am often asleep at midnight (last night was no exception) I treasure my New Year's day ritual of hiking somewhere beautiful.

What is your ritual for the New Year? Is there something you like to do? something you like to cook? a way you treat yourself?

And because I am now obsessed with Davidy Whyte... another poem for you.

SWEET DARKNESS

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize it own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

- DAVID WHYTE -